dealing with baby panic in a new relationship

I'm hoping people might have some advice to offer me...

I'm a 33-year-old woman, and I've known that I wanted a family since I was 18. In my early twenties I was in a long relationship, and I felt like we would probably have kids one day, if we survived the bumpy ride of career separation and change that comes with that post-graduation, 'don't know where your life is going' phase. But that didn't end up happening. Eventually, we split up after he accepted a job abroad and decided he would rather go alone.

In my late twenties, I fell properly in love and thought I'd met the man I would be with forever. For a while, the relationship was blissful. For the first year, things were really amazing. After 18 months, we got engaged.

But after a couple of years (well, and before that, to be honest), it became apparent that he had an unpredictable temper. I felt like I was treading on eggshells around him all the time. Sometimes his moods were genuinely frightening, and his anger became very scary - though he never physically attacked me. However, he was always able to dig out the negative in every situation and come to the conclusion that any given person in his life was going to let him down or treat him badly, and I found this exhausting and difficult to manage. Although I loved him very, very much, I came to the very difficult decision to end the relationship - principally because I was afraid to bring a child into a relationship like that. Essentially, I wanted a family, and I didn't feel safe to have a family with him, so I left, even though I loved him desperately.

I was 31 when we split up, and already feeling desperate around pregnant women, families with kids, and friends with babies. In the last two years, this feeling has got worse. It is now a full blown panic. I feel terror at the idea that I might not have time to have children. I know that parenthood is not an answer to life, or a panacea, but my desire for a family is really very strong, and it always has been. I know how hard work it will be, and I know I will have moments of deep despair and have to make sacrifices and my life will never be the same again - and in response to that, I always think the same thing. Bring it on. I'm ready for it.

Last year I started to investigate the possibility of co-parenting with a gay man. I met a couple of men with this in mind, but it didn't seem like a good match in either case (though they both seemed lovely - just very different to me). However, there is a weekend coming up later this year which I had planned to attend, for people who want to co-parent to network with each other.

This may seem very wrong to some people, but bear with me...I think children should have two parents who love them, and I don't want to inflict my selfish baby panic on a child by getting pregnant in an unplanned way, without a supportive father. However, I had come around to the idea that I might not be in a relationship with that father - and that actually, things might work out better for the child as a result in some ways (no bitterness, pain of break ups, messy divorces etc). I feel the most important thing is that the parents love the child, respect each other, and make good decisions together - they don't have to be in love.

In the meantime, however, I have met a nice man. He is actually my flatmate/lodger, which complicates things further. We were friends at first, but after a couple of months of living together, realised we were falling for each other. So, we have now been together as a couple for five months. I have not mentioned my baby panic to him, though I have emphasised several times that I do want children. But really, what new relationship can take a pressure like the level of terror that I currently feel?!

However, because we live together it is hard to keep the two things separate sometimes. Sometimes I just feel so sad about it that I want to cry and cry. And yet I have to proceed carefully with this new relationship and give it the space to grow and develop, without putting pressure on him about having a family. But this is proving very difficult as time goes on. And it's only been a few months!

If I had gone down the co-parent route, I would have been looking to get pregnant next year, by the time I am 35. Obviously as I am in a relationship, I will have to let the relationship take its own time to develop to the point where we can start talking about a family - but I am still hoping that this wouldn't take more than a year or so. Yet recently my boyfriend has made it clear that he 'doesn't know where things are going' between us, that he 'likes me, but it's too early to say what he wants' and that he has had his heart broken before and is approaching this relationship with caution as a result. He likes the way it is right now, but doesn't want to change his perception of himself as essentially single and free. As a result, the lid has loosened on the baby panic box.

Because we live together, I am struggling to process all this in a helpful way. I can't be mad at him - that's not fair. His feelings are perfectly legitimate and in-keeping with the stage we're at in the relationship. And yet I get this awful panicky feeling that I just don't have time to mess around with someone who's not sure about what he wants. Ideally, I need a week apart from him to get my head around this and accept it and move on in a new, less cloying direction (hoping that with time he will feel more sure of things). But we live together, and I find myself having to act like I am fine with it and nothing is wrong - which I can't do at the moment because I am upset and angry (even if that is not fair).

My boyfriend is lovely, and I know he ultimately wants kids too. But we aren't madly in love or anything - this is more of a friendship that developed into something else, and a relationship that moved straight into co-habitation without any dating because of circumstance rather than choice. For me, it is fine that we're not madly in love. I have been madly in love, and it didn't work. I am now simply looking for a companion who I get on well with, can communicate well and have fun with, who makes me laugh, talks with me for hours, and who will be a good dad. He fits this bill really well. But I don't know if he is at the same stage of relationship-acceptance as me. I think he might still be hoping for a thunderclap moment that changes everything.

At this stage, I just don't know what to do. I feel I should try to work it out with him, as there is great potential there. But it is far from easy. How can I cope with my panicky feelings without them jeopardising the relationship? How can I strike the right balance between being honest and yet not pushing him away by coming across like I am trying to rush or change him?

Or should I cut my losses now and refocus on the co-parenting route? (Obviously this is an either-or situation - it would be hugely disrespectful to pursue that at the same time as being with him.)


Please don't reply to tell me that I have plenty of time to have children. For one thing, it's not really true - not if this is the central thing I want to build my life around. Everyone knows your fertility seriously falls off after 35, and I don't have any money for fertility treatment. I don't want to take any chances. And for another thing, it's my FEELINGS of panic that are the problem as much as the practicalities, and I don't know how to make them go away.

Thanks for taking the time to read this lengthy (!!) post.

Hey rubytuesday,

Of course you still have lots of time to have children. In fact, people are having children later and later these days anyway. I think it's because people don't settle-down until much later too. Plus, to be honest, I believe that most couples who end-up together for life are simply ones who are like good friends, and who get on well co-habituating with each other (just like you and your current partner are).

However, if you constantly raise the issue of children with him, then he might get the idea that this is a bit of an 'issue' for you (and he may get scared). So, just enjoy his company, sit back, relax, and let the relationship take its natural course. You already mentioned that he wants children too, so, what have you honestly to worry about?

Kevin

And, if all else fails. There is always adoption. It's really the only route I can take right now myself (and I'm 26) if I want children.

Yes, I understand your situation, Schala. I was not aware that you thought about having children though. Would you adopt them as a single parent or would you wait to see if you get a partner in the future? For adoptions, they will look more favourably upon families where there are two parents (That is the case here in Ireland anyway).

Kevin

Hi -

Thanks for your advice...but I am not sure I'm ready to give up on the co-parenting idea. In many ways it just seems to make so much sense.

rubytuesday wrote:Hi -

Thanks for your advice...but I am not sure I'm ready to give up on the co-parenting idea. In many ways it just seems to make so much sense.

I don't understand what you mean: Weren't you saying that co-parenting was the best way to go? Schala's situation is a bit different from yours, which is why she mentioned single-parenting.

Kevin