Family falling apart

Here's the background. My mom passed away October 2005 of ovarian cancer, my sister was 14 at the time and I am out of hte house, so it was just her and my dad. Right after mom passed away I just knew my dad was never a parent and that he wouldn't start now. He was always my dad, not my father, if you catch what I mean.

About a month after my mom passed away my dad basically started dating an old friend occasionally. I didn't really care. I am a huge believer of live and let live.. and that you don't know what you would do until you're in that situation.

I didn't feel the usual resentment you always hear that kids have about the new girlfriend. It really didn't bother me much. The only thing that bothered me, is that it was just like rebounding, and that my dad hadn't taken time to grieve and move on in that sense. I knew that would be a bad thing for him in the long run mentally.

My dad is an alcoholic. I have always known him to be an alcoholic. He isn't a violent drunk. But there is no reasoning with him, and since he's drunk often, it makes it hard to talk to him and actually have him listen and understand.

But anyway, at first things went well. My dad and sister went to Florida on vacation in January. Around the same time he started seeing his girlfriend more often. About a month later I got the first tear filled phone call, and then after that the tears didn't stop for the next 2 and a half years.

My mom's brother came to the house and took a handgun he had given my mother as a gift 20 years ago when she was afraid to be home by herself, and some old coins that my mom had that her parents gave her.

When the gun and coins went missing, my dad immediately, for reasons unknown, blamed my sister. And told her how does he know she didn't take it and was going to shoot people at school, like he thought she was crazy. And he fought with her and asked her where the gun was for months. Especially when he was drunk.

That was where it started, and it went on and on. My dad spent the next 8 months blaming her for everything that he lost or couldn't find, saying "just like you took the gun". And even when he found the things and realized it wasn't her fault, he never apologized. I'm sure this is part of him drinking all the time and realizing on some level he isn't in good control of his world.

Their relationship deterioriated to hell. Then about 2 days after school started in 2006, they got in a fight because my dad accused her of either her or her friends taking a bottle of rum that he couldn't find. My sister has not, and will not ever drink alcohol, she is dead set against it. He found the rum 10 minutes later where he had put it.

Never apologized, I got another tear filled phone call, and I brought her to my home, and she lived here for a year and a half.

And all the while, my dad talked to me on the phone, saying "she needs to accept that I'm with Cindy, she needs to accept my life, I don't have much time left" All he wanted to do, was blame their relationship going to hell on my sister. Saying she just didn't like his girlfriend, when that isn't what happened at all, what started it was the situation with blaming her for the gun missing, and then not letting it go, and harping on her about it and repeating it over and over again.

But that's not how he wanted to look at things, it took me that entire year and a half that my sister was living here to get that to completely stop, and for him to admit and realize fully that he was wrong.

Not to mention, in June of 07 I was pregnant with my first son, and I woke up one morning to my dad, and his girlfriend screaming on my answering machine that my sister stole their dog and they were going to have her arrested. Screaming, cussing, carrying on on my answering machine. My sister had finally gotten to go to the house and get some of stuff she had been putting off getting for months. My grandmother came to the house after my sister left, called for the dog, and because it didn't come to her, she called my dad and said my sister must've stole the dog.
And he immediately went back into the mindset like he had with the gun. Him blaming my sister and I was listening to his girlfriend in the background going "THAT F-IN B**** IS GOING TO JAIL, IF THAT DOG IS HURT ILL F-IN KILL HER" etc it was the first time I screamed at my dad and told him "go ahead and keep listening to that psycho instead of thinking rationally". It was the first time I EVER said ANYTHING like that about his girlfriend. When they got home, the dog had been hiding behind the couch and my grandmother had told my dad she looked everywhere.

My sister moved back in with our dad in January.

Things were ok for awhile.

2 months ago my dad called me telling me he was done with his girlfriend, that she beat him up for no reason, he did nothing, he had bruises and scratches. And he also said that it wasn't the first time, he's like "it happens over and over again and I'm done with the excuses, there's no excuse." That was the first I heard that my dad was being physically abused by this woman. She is apparently a violent drunk.

They of course, as I knew would happen, got back together. It was about the 5th time he told me they broke up. so I knew it would happen.

This past Saturday I went down to have a family cook out with everyone. My sister was out hanging out with everyone, which she used to stay in the house all the time. I could see she was making an effort to get along dad and his girlfriend both.

And all day I wanted to talk to my dad's girlfriend, and tell her how her comments are hurtful and offensive. I've kept my mouth shut every time I've been around her at the urging of my husband. It is the only problem I've had with her. She always says things like "Wow you look like you lost weight..." then a little later "Why don't you get off your a** every once and awhile and go for a hike, it's good for you" "Your sister plays those video games too much, she's living in a fantasy world, why doesn't she go outside or something" not to mention when she talks about my mom so negatively like the story she told Saturday about the time her and another friend of my dad's came to visit and my mom didn't want him to go with them for whatever reason, and this woman screamed at dad from the driveway "Bill, why don't you get a f-ing divorce!" Great story to tell your boyfriend's daughters I guess.

She may claim to have some sort of benevolent agenda when she tells us to get off our a** because she thinks she's trying to help us live our lives better or whatever, but what it comes off as, is the way I live is great, and the way you live is crap, and you should really change and be like me.

If I had sat there while they were all getting drunk and trying to have a good time, and said "Ya know, you really shouldn't drink, it makes you act stupid, and you're no doubt killing your liver" etc and things like it all day, his girlfriend would've told me, if you don't like it, you can leave.

But now I am kicking myself for not saying something to her about her offensive comments. I really wish I would've, because that night, all the things she said to me all day about my sister living in a fantasy world, and how she should go outside and get off her a**, she decided to go in the house while my sister was playing a game, and say those things while sitting there in the room with my dad. "She's this" "She's that" And my sister said to her "It's rude to talk about someone in third person like they're not in the room." And she preceded to say "Why don't you talk to us, we're just trying to be your friend" etc My sister got upset, asked them to leave if they were just going to sit there talking about her, and turned up her music. Why should my sister want to talk to them while they're drunk besides?

So the story I get from my sister is that at that point my dad's girlfriend got up and called her a rude b**** and started pushing her about the shoulders toward her bedroom, and told her "if you don't want to talk to us, why don't you get out". My sister pushed her off her, ran into her room was chased by my dad's girlfriend, my sister grabbed some sort of weapon, and threatened her with it to get her away and out of her room, and then they wrestled my sister to the ground and took the weapon, telling her she needs help and is F-ed up in the head, my sister got away, took the phone, ran out the back door, called the neighbor, and had them come get her.

My dad told me a different story when he was alone that my sister threw the first physical hit. Then his girlfriend told me another different version, and when I told her I don't know who to believe because I heard 4 different stories, and she started repeating her story trying to convince me, I asked her calmly, I said "Cindy, stop" And her response was to scream at the top of her lungs in my ear and hang up the phone. I called back and my dad screamed at me that he just wants the 2 of us (his daughters) to leave him the F alone and let him live his life.

And then I called back and told her that next time she abuses my father, I'll call the cops, and that I know she'll do it again. And I'm sure that was the first she knew that I knew about the abuse, because my dad called me later saying she broke up with him and I ruined his happiness. They'll be back together in a week.

So this morning I decided, I've spent 2 and a half years crying and dealing with this, I am done. Supposedly my dad is finally getting family counseling for him and my sister, though I've been pushing him to do it for over 2 years, and I'm sure the reason he put it off is because he knows they are going to tell him that he needs to stop drinking all the time.

I don't even know if it will actually happen, but at this point I just feel like I should gracefully say F you and concentrate on the wonderful family I have here in my home, however small it is. I've done nothing but try to get everyone to get along, and I've got nothing but told I'm the bad guy, and that I just don't like his girlfriend, and that both me and my sister aren't right in the head, while she beats up him and EVEN his daughter. It's a lost cause, and I feel like I need to do this for my well being.

My dad has been selfish all along, it's time I am selfish.

Hey,

Wow, it sounds like your sister certainly has lived in a toxic environment for many years now. Did you ever consider helping her in a greater capacity than you already are? I mean, would you ever allow her to live with you, or is that completely out of the question? In her current living arrangements, it sounds like she has no role-model to look up to and no-one that she trusts enough to ask questions about - well - life, in general. I'm sure your dad could have been a good parent but he chose alcohol a long time ago and let your mother run the family. This doesn't mean that he can't change though. I mean, maybe he has now after all seen the 'light'. You appear to have lost patience with everything though and, to be honest, I don't blame you. However, for your younger sister's sake, I don't think you should pull-away from all of this yet.

There's so much in your post that it's hard to analyse it all in my head. I think I've covered the whole thing now though, broadly-speaking.

Take care,
Kevin.

She did live with me for a year and a half, she is 17 now.

While she lived here she repeatedly would leave and not let me know she was going or when she was coming back. It took me about 10 times of asking nicely, and even grounding her, and then me getting angry finally to get her to do it.

At one point I caught her telling her boyfriend on chat about me telling her not to do something, and how I was a crazy pregnant b****.

So yeah, her and I were at odds a lot. And I think the reason is mostly because here, she wasn't ignored. Here I made sure she did her homework every night before I let her go online (she hated that), and I made her tell me where she was going and when she was coming home, and I grounded her when it was appropriate. Dad never did normal parent things like that, and she didn't know how to have a real "parent" who cared.

So me and her argued about entirely different things than her and my dad fight about. And I am still to this day not happy with the lack of respect she gave me after I took her in. It's not like I had to do it for her. But she never picked a fight herself or did anything violent. That's why I don't believe my dad when he says she went after Cindy first, because on the other hand, I know that Cindy gets violent. I think he was just too drunk to remember what happened.

So back in January I had her move back in with her dad, because they were going to get counseling. Actually he promised us he would, and they have yet to go to an appointment. Supposedly they will July 2nd, but I have a feeling my dad will walk out the moment they insinuate that his drinking is a big part of the problem.

And at this point, they've put me in the middle so many times, and neither of them have respected me through it. I feel like I need to get away.

AngeliqueS wrote:Supposedly they will July 2nd, but I have a feeling my dad will walk out the moment they insinuate that his drinking is a big part of the problem.

You may be surprised. I mean, he may have changed and now realises the errors that he has made in his life. In fact, he may be quite ready and capable of admitting that he was wrong on many fronts.

I guess I see why you feel like just need to get away from all of this now. While reading your original post, I forgot to factor in the fact that years had passed and that your sister is now 17. She is old-enough (I'm sure) to look after herself at this stage but I don't think you can blame her for causing you trouble when she lived with you. I mean, she had no good mentor in the family home.

What is your husband's take on all of this?

Kevin

At this point, he wants me to get away from it too. He hates to see me up all night over it and upset over it. But to be honest, he doesn't say much.

He's a very quiet guy, and he doesn't express his opinion about things unless it really gets to him, and he only said something to me after the 3rd day of being upset with this, that I need to just stop talking to my dad for awhile.

The last I spoke with my dad, I had tried to tell him this, that I don't want to fight with him anymore and be stressed over something that I am not directly involved in at all. But in my explanation, for some reason as soon as I said his girlfriends name, he flew off and yelled at me that "yeah, everything is all Cindy's fault, and you two are never going to like her" and hung up on me. So that was the end of that.

I'm so incredibly tired of hearing that, because I spent the entire time my sister lived here trying to make sure she understood and that she was ok with Cindy and Dad's relationship.

Which is another reason I got so upset when the incident with the dog happened, because my sister heard Cindy screaming obscenities about her on the answering machine, it basically took all my work and threw it out the window.

Maybe my dad needs to realize if we have any problem with Cindy, it's because of her own actions.

The tone that you create when I read your messages is one of tiredness - not physical tiredness, but mental tiredness. You obviously feel like you have tried every option to make this entire situation better, right? In that case, before this really starts damaging your own life (and your partner's) maybe you should just 'quit'. If there was a perceived chance of things improving, then by all means stay with it and continue to fight for your family. I dunno though... ...if it just seems futile to you then there is no point in you getting depressed over it.

What do you think?

Kevin

I'm told they're finally going to counseling, I told them to let things go until then. That gives some peace of mind.

I also told them I'm not going to deal with it at all anymore. I don't even want to hear about it, and that I'm staying away for awhile.

My dad at least now says "It's my problem" This is the first time I've ever heard him actually say that, as though he might actually take responsibility. But he still thinks the problems are only because my sister doesn't want to "accept his life". Hopefully the counseling will make him realize that isn't the case. Hopefully...

But yes, I am mentally exhausted. I want to help and at the same time I'm tired of being told him and Cindy and my grandmother are all perfect people and do no wrong and hearing them say its just my sisters fault.

And then on top of it they start lumping me and my sister into the same thing "you girls don't want to accept your dad's life" my grandma says, or dad says "neither of you are ever going to accept Cindy" when I'm not even in the conflicts or causing anything in the first place.

Hey again Angelique,

Things appear to be on the up now, right? They are still low, but at least it's all pointing in the right direction. I wish you well, of course. You seem to have an intelligent head on your shoulders and I'm sure you'll know how to handle this situation as it progresses further.

Kevin

Somewhat on the up, I am relieved that he's actually going to finally get the counseling, but at the same time I know I myself will never have a good relationship with my dad or my grandmother again because of all the horrible things we've said to each other over the course of this, they've really shown their true colors and frankly I feel like continuing to be around them is like asking to be hurt again and again by them.

I really wish this stuff wouldn't be happening. But yeah I'm fine, I'm going to concentrate on my family, and stay away from their toxic mess. Indefinately.

Well, I wish you good luck on your way there (wherever 'there' is, I'm unsure!). I suppose you have goals (either large or small) to aim towards in your and your family's lives. I suppose focussing on them will take your mind off everything else.

Good luck my friend,
Kevin.