For tonight, you're only here to know..

I really need help. Let me start from the beginning. Last summer, i met this amazing person, PERFECT person for me in every way. I could not imagine someone more perfect for me. We are identical in every way, and there is nothing i could find more attractive. It's not that i'm a narcissist, it's just that i find i have the strongest connections with the people that are the most like me, and this person was EXACTLY like me, so i felt a very VERY strong connection with him. We began to talk on msn and fell for each other right off the bat. It was amazing. I don't think i had ever been that happy in my life. After about a week, we admitted to each other that we liked each other and started going out. It was a long-distance relationship, since he lives 3 hours away. We had never met but that did not matter, we connected so well, we were both willing to endure the difficulties of being in a long-distance relationship to be together, and of course made plans to meet straight away. About a week or so later, i asked him to marry me. I know, crazy, absolutely crazy, but i was just so sure he was "THE ONE". I just KNEW. I still think he is the one for me.. We got closer and closer for about a month until i had to go to my dad's, because my uncle had just had a quadruple bypass recently and he came here, to canada, to visit us thinking it might be his last chance to see us. I was not speaking to my dad back then, but i ended up starting to speak to him again and went over at his place to see my uncle. I did not tell kyle, in fact i don't think i told anyone, and kept myself online on msn figuring i didn't have to tell anyone or sign out, because i thought i'd only be gone for a day or two. After a few days, i called my mom to come pick me up. She never did. I'd call her everyday for her to come pick me up, but she just didn't. Over time, she decided to make me stay there, because she did not believe i suffered from mental illness at the time, she thought i was faking it(i suffer from OCD and disorganised schizophrenia) and since my father is very strict she figured he would make me "get my act together". This was extremely hard on me. I would act out all the time to end up in the hospital hoping the psychiatrists would tell my parents it would be better for me to live at my mom's, as i always have. I even made suicide attempts. I did everything i could to just go back home, because it is my home, and because being at home, i could speak to kyle as much as i wanted to. Anyways, after a week of being at my dad's, me and my dad went to the gym. I went on the computer while he was working out. I signed in to msn and saw kyle online. I was so happy to finally be able to speak to him again. The thing is, i found out i really made him worry during that one week, because he did not know where i was. I felt so bad for making him worry that much, i know i'd probably go crazy if i had to worry that much for the person i love. He did forgive me though, i was so happy. But of course i still felt guilty for making him worry about me. Someone so perfect doesn't deserve to be made to worry so much.. i still feel bad about it today. I had to stay at my dad's for quite a few months, until he decided to send me to toronto to see this supposedly world-famous psychiatrist, who ended up being this cold man that i did not like at all. He did not help me, all he did was give me medication that did not do a thing. But i was glad to be in toronto, cuz i got to see my family and i was able to speak to kyle way more often there, since they aren't as strict as my father. I could call him anytime, he could call me anytime, we could speak on msn anytime. I was really happy. Everything was going well, between me and him atleast. I had some worries about our relationship, because he is a very reserved and secretive person which made me feel like he didn't trust me, and of course that hurt me a little, but overall things were going good. I never mentionned any of these worries to kyle because i am very non-confrontational. There was a period where things weren't so good though. I had broken up with him one day, because i was planning on committing suicide, and i could not stand the idea of my death hurting him. I figured it would overwhelm him, and i couldn't be responsible for causing him so much pain. The next day we spoke on msn and got back together, i didn't want to because i was still planning on committing suicide, but i accepted and told myself i'd just toughen out what i was living even if it was too much for me. I figured i'd do it for him, for us. I went back at my dad's after about 2 months. I tried contacting kyle almost everyday when i got back, i'd call him, he wouldn't answer, i'd do everything to get online in spite of my father not wanting me to go on the computer very often, but he was never online. My worries were getting worse. I started thinking he was ignoring me on purpose, like he was trying to get me to realise that it was over. I just did not understand and started freaking out. I was going through really difficult times and felt betrayed that he was not there to help me through them. I was also going through withdrawal symptoms in that time because i had no more of the medication that the psychiatrist from toronto had given me, and the withdrawal symptoms were strong. I got really aggressive and bitchy, i would yell and cry all the time. One day, i was talking to a mutual friend of ours and was venting about the worries i had to him. I said some really hurtful things about kyle, kind of indirectly searching for this friend of ours to reassure me that everything was gonna be okay. I exagerrated things so he can tell me things are not that bad. I do that a lot, when things aren't going well, and no one is willing to listen to me, i exagerrate things for people to listen to me and try to help me. I remember saying that i bet the reason kyle has been so busy recently is because he's started coking up and getting gangbanged. I also called him manipulative and a liar. I know that is just a horrible thing to say, i know. Believe me, i feel more than guilty about saying that. Now that i look back on those times, i can't believe i ever could have said something so hurtful about someone i loved. But the thing is, i got kind of paranoid, i really believed he was ignoring me on purpose, and that it was just over. I was hurt and got defensive by getting angry. Most of the time, that is how i defend myself, by getting angry, and i seek reassurance by exagerrating my anger. Obviously this "friend" of ours did not understand that. He assumed i meant what i said and went and told kyle what i had said and kyle did not take it lightly at all. I broke up with him a second time, i'm not sure if it was before having this conversation with our friend or not, i think it was after. I told him it was over and that i know he's gonna find happiness someday but it won't be with me. I was trying to provoke him, make him react. I felt like he hadn't made an effort to contact me, and my way of trying to get him to contact me and give me attention was by provoking him, even threaten our relationship. Wrong way to do it, i know, and i have learned my lesson, believe me. I found out not much later that he was just busy with school. I felt so stupid to have jumped to such extreme conclusions and reacted so strongly just because he was busy with school. I let my worries get the best of me, i NEVER should have done that. The thing is, i still love him so much, i love him as much as i always have, which is A LOT. But he doesn't love me anymore, atleast i don't think so.. I really hurt him with what i said, and i have apologized and said everything i could think of to get him to understand the context, i have said everything i feel, but essentially there is no excuse for saying something so hurtful, but i just need a second chance, i just wish he'd give me another opportunity to prove myself to him. I think how much i made him worry while we were together has had an impact in him not wanting to get back with me. I think he figures it will always be like it was, me acting out, ending up in the hospital, making suicide attempts, etc. But i am back at my mom's, for good, and things are much more stable now, as am i. And i feel so bad about having lost the one person that ever really REALLY mattered to me, ever, because i got caught up in the stresses of my life while living at my father's. I just don't know what to do anymore, i NEED to get him back, he is THE ONE, he is my life.. but i really don't think he even likes me anymore.. i just don't know what to do.. if only he knew how i truly feel.. I have never known true love until i met him, i remember before kyle, i remember thinking that love was such a boring and meaningless thing. I remember receiving those e-mails that ask you what you'd choose between 1 million dollars and true love, and thinking to myself i'd easily choose the 1 million dollars. But now that i know kyle exists, now that i know someone so perfect could exists, in flesh and blood, i know that true love also exists, and i know what me and kyle had was TRUE LOVE, and i'm not going to give up on true love, or on kyle. I just can't, and i will not. Because essentially, kyle is all that really matters at the end of the day. I just don't know what to do anymore though.. there's not much i can do 3 hours away from him.. what do you guys think i should do now? I would do ANYTHING for him, ANYTHING, i just don't know what it is i should or even could do..

Hey Zander,
I can tell that you are a very passionate person and it is refreshing to see. I am very similar to you in that when I get focused on someone, or something, about which I have passion, I TRULY focus! It is not that I am distracted or clingy, it is just that I love the thing or person!
I know that when your heart tells you something so loud and so clear, it is tough to hear anything else. I recently went through a time where I met someone that was like me in the ways that you are like Kyle. I thought that it was perfect and different from what I had previously experienced. I now realize that I learned SO much from that experience.
Of course, the long distance thing makes it a bit tough when you are trying to work on a relationship and this is why you both have to have patience, or at least one of you have to have a prodigious, almost stubborn, kind of patience. You have your heart set on something, you are aware that life can throw all kinds of curve balls, sliders, and screw balls at you, yet you endure through those things, because you know that, usually, today isn't the last day of life. There are usually more days in your experience following tomorrow. In something as serious as marriage, freedom must be given in a whole lot of areas for things to take their course without knowing what will happen. All you can do is live your current situation, be diligent to know you and pursue what you want in life, and wait for things to fall into place, because they really will if destiny brings them to that place.
I have learned that you must be willing to give up the things you love, even though you are so adamant in pursuing them, in order to have a safe, and efficient perspective in the face of time. Time does so much to teach us, about ourselves, and about others.
It is possible that you marry Kyle, and it is possible that you marry someone else, yet treat yourself to the ability to learn what you need to learn from Kyle while you are with him. For example, I learned a lot about myself from a girl with whom I spoke on MSN. I learned how to overcome my fears and be less intimidated. I expanded my mind. I treated pain as a necessity in order to produce strength (no pain, no gain), and, all the while, it helped me with the girl who had been my friend for four years, my first true love, and being able to be changed to reflect her mentality much more. In our earlier years I was not on the same page with her and it annoyed her to no end. Still, she loved the attention I gave her. Yet, after living my own life, going through a lot of suffering and surviving, I found my mentality was much more likened unto hers a few years down the road. However, I am alright if she moves down another path than me, with another person, even though it would be painful and difficult, because I have learned a lot about subtlety, submission, sacrifice, and yielding with her. Also, simplicity is something I value now because she has helped me. Furthermore, she has helped me trust my intuitions by awakening me unto them. Most of all, she is teaching me patience (another relationship taught me about patience to prepare me for her). So, if she fades out of my life along the way, I will have still retained valuable lessons learned from her presence in my life. I will wait as long as necessary, as I have already waited four years to hear that she had feelings for me, and will be open to whatever challenges me along the way.
I think that you should see things, and believe things, from all perspectives when you look at your relationship. What are the strengths? Weaknesses? Pet Peeves? Possibilities? Vision? Are you willing to give him up? How do your life experiences mesh? What are your goals in life? Where do you want to live? Work? Children? When you see yourselves in the future, what do you see? What about your families? Can you have fun with him? Can you take pain, emotional, physical, etc from him? (Everyone makes mistakes) There are so many other questions that could be running through your own mind. What do your intuitions say about him? What does he say about you? Is he a good teammate for you? Do you work well together?
Perhaps these are things you can think about to get an idea of the relationship and make a thorough decision.