Family in Crisis

Hello, I'm Pam and I've never been on this forum before, but use quite a few of the others.

I started a post here and realized it was way too long for anyone to read (I tend to have that problem). For everyone sake that reads this, I deleted it and started over and promise to just deal with the problem at hand. If you're interested in seeing all the great things that have been going on in my life, you can find my post on the Asperger's, Disassociate Identity Disorder, Grief, Depression forums. I think that's the ONLY places I've been.

The Problem

I have 4 children at home ranging from 4 to 16. The family has been though a lot since the beginning of the year. My 16 year old daughter has been my rock. My husband is an over the road truck driver, so he's not here much. She does very well in school, mostly advanced classes and involved in a lot of extra activities. She's a responsible girl and even though she has so much going on, even though it's summer vacation, she's not been doing what she should be at home, as far as her chores go.

I realize that this year has been pure hell on this family and I'm currently in therapy. I lost my mother 2 months ago and I'm really taking it hard, so I'd been spending most of my days, laying in bed and crying. When I lost my mother, I also lost a friend, that I'd come to depend on when I needed help. She helped take care of my mother, but after my mother died, we realized how bad she'd been taking advantage of my mother. So, I basically lost my support system and fell into a deep depression. During this time, my daughter had been doing things to help me out. It wasn't like I was totally unavailable. My husband, while at home, dealt out chores and made sure there was a lot of easy to prepare meals and tried to make the kids understand what I was going through and that I would be okay, it was just going to take some time.

Well, after a very bad medication error, I had a weekend from hell. On Sunday, my head had cleared I drug myself out of bed and realized my house looked like it had been hit by a bomb! Now, I realize I haven't been the best mother in the world. I don't mind clutter, but dirty dishes everywhere, no clear path available to the front door, the kitchen was a mess! I lost it! The kitchen was the one room I expected to be taken care of. My daughter had been going out, having friends over, etc. But the main rule of the house is to do your chores first, then ask to go somewhere, but since I was off in my own little world of grief, I never really noticed how bad things had gotten. I called my daughter into the kitchen and asked what on earth had she been doing? To her, the kitchen was clean. I re swept the kitchen, this time, actually moving the dinning room chairs out of the way and showed her how much she'd missed. Then I picked up a canister on the counter and showed her that you don't just wipe around things, you have to get under them, to get things that might have been spilt. I told her I'd be taking the cleaning of the kitchen back over. She got all upset and went to her room. She and I don't communicate on big things through talking, she writes me notes.

Well, her notes hit me hard. In her mind, she's had the world on her shoulders and she couldn't take it anymore. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I was the mom, I should get my butt out of the bed and get back to my life. I wrote a note to her asking if she'd like for me to make her an appointment with my therapist. I didn't get a response. I'd been bombarded with notes, all day, about how bad she was feeling, making me feel like crap and thought she might like to talk to someone about how she was feeling. So, I go into her room and she's sitting on the bed, smiling, on the phone, acting like she didn't have a care in the world. I asked her if I'd "missed" her last note about her seeing the therapist. She was like "why would I do that?" WELL, just less than an hour before she was a mess, saying she was overwhelmed.

the next day, I sent her a note, asking her what she thought she could handle as far as chores. I wanted her to make up some type of "proposal" in order for her to keep her privileges, like her cell phone. Again, she acted like a dummy and said she didn't understand what I meant. I explained it to her. Later, I asked her again, if she'd done what I'd asked, seeing as she'd not done one thing in the house since I relieved her of her kitchen duties. She still hadn't, so I said to hell with it. I'm not going to beg her to help me out, even though this is the time that I need her the most. I got up this morning and asked for her cell phone. OMG, She would rather I beat her with a board! I explained that the phone cost around $30 / month and when she got the money, I'd gladly give her the phone back.

Give me some feedback. Am I expecting too much from her? Am I being a bad mother because my life is such a mess. Should she be expected to step up? Should she be expected to do her chores and do them properly in order to earn privileges? I do know I've been a mess, I'm not done being a mess, but what do I do, do it myself or make her do it and do it right? I tried to go and do a proper job of cleaning the kitchen, BUT over did it and now, due to my on going medical problem, I'm suppose to lie in bed for the day!! I hate my life and myself right now. I don't know IF I can handle my "mom" duties right now. With the stress, grief, money, medical problems I have going on, I'm on the verge of breaking. Then what happens? I lose it and my whole world will fall completely apart. My husband can't take care of 4 kids while driving a semi. And No, I realized this weekend, I have NO friends I can depend on, even for the simplist of task, like returning a phone call. Really helps out the depression!! Someone just grab the handle and flush, I'm ready to go!

Deep breath. In, out, in, out...

Close your eyes and don't open until you're calm(er). Good. Now talk to your mom, and tell her all of this. Ask her what she thinks. What did she tell you?

You heard her. Do it!

Now if that post wasn't lame... I'm going to play my violin now! Toodles!

Wow Pamela, hugs to you. It seems like it is getting to the point of chaos so thick that everything is going to come to a halt as there will be no more room to create more chaos.
I am single and am an over the road truck driver, yet I know that it would be tough for me to get involved with someone, have a family, and continue to drive a truck. In essence, it takes two engaged and involved parents to raise a family with greater ease and one parent to raise the family with torture.
Perhaps you could go back to square one to try and find some kind of focus, or first step, in order to getting everything back into some kind of balance. That "square one" is your husband. It was you and him before there was anything else. You two probably had jobs while you met yet you still were able to make time for each other, I am guessing.
Somewhere along the way you added a few more responsibilities into your lives, called children, and expected that you would be able to handle the same time constraints as required with your jobs AND be able to discipline, nurture, guide, and teach your children. I believe that, to a certain extent, EVERY parent expects that things will "just work out" when they have children, and they can continue to approach life the same way when there were no children. This is a hard lesson to learn.
Ultimately, there has to be a sacrifice made in some area of your lives. You love to have a home that is clean and tidy, this is tough when you have health problems and your daughter thinks discipline is some kind of CD. There are bills that you have that could be necessary, or not. Most people like to have some comforts in their homes, entertainment, multiple vehicles, different gadgets, etc. yet these consumer items actually consume our own lives.
I would be upset with your husband as he is leaving you there, with your health issues, to take care of four children by yourself. Don't let this be about money. If money raised children then most of our kids would be obedient all of the time, respectful, secure, etc. PARENTS raise children, and they raise them to show their own values, standards, and beliefs.
If you want to save something in your experience, take a lot of things away. The things that aren't absolutely necessary, take away, for your own sake. Clear some of that $#%^ out of your home. Sit down, talk with your kids. Teach them during the time that they like to play video games, watch TV, etc. Talk about life. Talk about your thoughts, your feelings. Just sit still and look at each other. Get out in the country. Experience the beauty of nature. Simplify your living situation. Do what you need to salvage the synergy of your family to your own liking, and peaceful contentedness.
Of course, these ideas are radical. You may simply want to vent. However, the road less traveled is that way for a reason. In a way, it is tougher to go against the grain than to accept the stresses of it with the masses. I suppose we each have to choose our poison.
You have ears here to hear what you say. Chin up.

Jenna, you know I love to at least know someone reads my rants and I welcome any input you have for me.

Rad, thank you so much for your input. My husband has always been a truck driver, before the kids were ever born, so it's the life we've come to get used to. I just don't understand how I can beg and beg for the kids to do things and it's like I'm speaking a different language. But let me mention my husband is in the state, strikes fear in them. Not physical fear! But it's like they start cleaning like crazy! Which leaves me feeling like a very ineffective mother.

I was raised in a large family, youngest child and by the time I came along, my brothers had their chores and really didn't want to bother with me wanting to help. They wanted to get their stuff done and get out of the house. Back in those days (old timer talk, lol) there was really no reason to stay in the house, we went outside to play! So, I didn't get my "home training" until I was much older. My husband, on the other hand, came from a hard life. The oldest of only 2 kids, the other being a sister. His mom is/was OCD (and a mental case, IMO). He'll come home and tell stories of how he had to quit school in the 5th grade to run a dairy farm, all by himself. Getting up before dawn, hooking up cows to milking machines, cleaning stalls, having to tape wood to the gas and break peddles on the farm truck so he could reach them to work the farm. And had nothing but dirt to play with (jk)

I swore I'd never do that to my kids, lol, tell them about "the old times" like my parents did me, and how much harder it was on them to have to grow and chop and pick cotton (by hand, no doubt!!). I find myself doing this too When my 10 yr old comes in at 11 am and tells me He's bored! I want to scream! What about the X Box, PlayStation(s), Satalite TV with hundreds of channels, (where when I was growing up, we had 5 TV channels and two of them were the same!). And let's not forget the great outdoors! It's almost like a punishment if I tell them to go outside and play!

My main problem is that I'm suppose to be a "stay at home Mom". I worked until I was 30+ years old and now for the last 10 years, I've had the "privilege" of being able to stay home and raise my kids. Since I was 27 yrs old before I had my first child and hitting 40 with my last, it's was a drastic change. I did all the things I felt was expected of me, the cooking, the cleaning, taking care of the kids, the carpooling, baking the cookies for school, etc. It was hard on me, as the kids got older, to hand over my "chores" to them. I had a certain way I did things, towels were folded a certain way, dishes washed in a certain order, etc. It took years for me to be able to just say "to hell with it!" As long as the towels were clean and in the closet, who cared how they were folded. If the dish drainer looked like the Leanign Tower of Pisa, at least they were, supposedly clean.

With my husband always gone, I began to depend on my oldest daugher more and more, as she got older. For the most part, she's a Godsend! When my husband was on the road and I had to have an emergency C-section for my youngest child, she was only 12, but she was there. She stayed in the hospital with me, missing school, because I couldn't even get out of the bed to pick the baby up out of the basinet. When I got out of the hospital and was suppose to be on bed rest, I had no choice but to get up each morning, load the baby in the car and get the other 3 to school. Waa Waa, cry me a river

FAST FORWARD!
The basic question is, how much should parents expect from their kids? And how much is too much. My LONG post have detailed most of the things going on in my life, which I always say I'm not going to do!

I want to go back to work, but not if it's going to cost me having to getting child care for 3 kids! If would work, if I could count on her to watch them while I worked, but after the pressures of this year, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm expecting too much of her? As far as money goes, with all her extra activities and social events, she costs us way more than any of our other children. But if she can't handle even her basic chores, then she shouldn't be allowed to have all these extra's in her life (Life according to my husband). BUT on the other hand, she is a "prodogy" student and these clubs, such as Math, Biology, etc. and being in a show choir that makes it all the way to U.S. competitions will look very good on applications for college scholarships.

I just feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm sure my depression and mess up with my meds have a lot to do with the ramblings, sorry. Hopefully they'll get them figured out. Sometimes I wonder what I even wrote

Again, thanks for the input,
Pam

Okay, here are my thoughts that I've collected since you posted this.

1) I don't think her whole summer should be spent raising her siblings. A (ex) friend of mine's parents made her do that and she rebelled. Big time.
2) That being said, I do think it's a good life lesson for her to help out SOMETIMES.
3) It would be good for you to go back to work. In my case, getting a job has helped. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed or not (I doubt it) but I DO know that most times at work, you have no choice but to plaster a smile on your face and do your job. And because studies show that faking a smile actually makes you happier, you'll be smiling (not fakely either) in the end.

All of my thoughts lead me to this...how about a part time job? Tell your daughter if she watches her siblings during the day/in the evening (on the days you are working ONLY) and cleans the kitchen on those days (do you insist on it being cleaned every day? If you work, say, 3-4 days a week, just cleaning it on those days couldn't be too bad could it?) then she can have the rest of the time to herself.

But if I were you (and this is just me) I wouldn't just hand her money when she wants to go out. I know you said she always wants to go to Sonic or whatever...well, in my house, ever since I started going out on my own, the rule is if I choose to go out, I pay for food, movies or whatever. If I wanted to borrow money, I either had to have a sure-fire way of paying them back PRONTO or I had to do something to work for it. Then again, I never really got allowance because my parents never made us do chores. They "encouraged" us to but there were no consequences if we failed to finish. Read: THAT DOES NO GOOD!!! lol!! Anyway, explain that she'll get her allowance and she can spend it how she chooses (also advise her to save!!!!) but if she wants/needs more, she'll need to take on additional tasks.

I hope things get better for you. Remember to take some time to yourself and BREATHE. Smiling is an added bonus!

I'll have you know I have been breathing, lol,
I've been reading a book on meditation and one on yoga, so HA!

Love ya,
Pam

Hey Pam,
It all depends on the vision you have for your family, the way you were brought up, and if you want to work for what you want, or let things be what they may.
It is obvious that she is a fantastic daughter because you know her and have witnessed her amazing characteristics. Again, it depends on what you want her to glean from life and how you want her to apply it to her own. Are you simply trying to get by without going crazy, or failing your health by stress, or reacting instead of being proactive? Perhaps you can ask yourself what you want to teach your daughter, and all of your children, about life and then make decisions as to the method you will use to approach her behavior, rewards, disciplines, direction, etc.
It seems that because you were obligated to do so much in your home, it was more like a job, or business, than it was an emotional investment into the intrinsic well-being of your family. It appears that you are working hard to look like a family instead of recognizing your inner values, beauty, and love as a family. Why are you trying so hard to be coshure to what everyone says a family should be? I know, I know. We are so influenced by image these days. We fear judgment and criticism for "going against the grain" but it is a lot better than going through the motions as people, as families.
I believe in invisible influences and maybe if you told me what sign you are, in astrology, I would have a better chance at communicating with you in a way you would best understand.
Anyway, it is still a simple truth that everyone needs a balance of the external and internal if they aren't finding the satisfaction that they need with their current approach. It appears that your 11yr old would rather have an emotional investment than the material distractions he has in the Xbox, cable TV, etc. Perhaps he wants someone to emotionally listen to his dreams, his desires, his fears, his frustrations, etc. He may a water sign. Perhaps your daughter is an earth sign, or air, with her prodigious nature. With these simple, yet effective, investments into the introspective nature of your loved ones, it hardly matters as to the "toys" you have cluttering your space at home, but of the connections between you and your family.

OMG, I'm a Gemini and I know that qualifies me for crazy, lol & my daughter is Aquarius and my 10 yr old son is Scorpio, but he has asperger's syndrom and there are days he can occupy himself for hours, then there are days that nothing satisfies him, like today! It was a beautiful day outside, a little warm, but being an "Aspie" he has a problem with clothes and heat on his "off" days, so that wasn't an option.

The 14 yr old thug, is a Capricorn and the 4 yr old wild child is a Libra.

If any of this helps, let me know. I'm open to any and everything.

Thanks,
Pam

Good for you, Pam!! I am happy to hear that.

Radames, you bring up some very good points. Really, really good points. Even if no one else on this board takes anything away from your post, just know that I did!