Ready to admit.

So, recently I've had some break-throughs and have reached the otherside of a hurdle that was very hard to get over. Now that I am I think I am mentally and emotionally strong enough to actually face the bad things about myself.

Relationships are very very hard for me. Through-out these past ten years I've always kind of felt the way I acted in a relationship was normal. However, now that I am almost 27 and have been through three big changes with three diff guys, I can conclude that a lot of the reason why those relationships failed was because I was not satisfied. EVER. Even if I was with someone I was still looking around for someone else, some other prince. My image of relationships has been very very warped. Either I was looking to save someone or looking for someone to save me. However, I think I would rather be the one to save someone else.

I also think it has a lot to do with my own ego. If I am saving someone else, it's because they do not have to means to take care of themselves, but I do. They would be emotionally and physically dependant on my own small success in life. Which really wasn't anything but having a couple of good paying jobs, a lot of shifts to cover, and having somewhere to live even if it was with a family member. What kind of success is that right?

Or, I would need to be saved. After being with the person that I wanted to save I would find myself needing to be saved from them.

So why this dependancy on relationships? I recently made a decisions to live with a man solely because WHERE he lives provides more resources for me.

So what I'm admitting is that I am using this person. I am using him to keep from having to live with my parents, or brothers, or sister, or anyone else in my family. I am using him because it's easy to. He doesn't want me to leave and he has opened his door to me on the basis that WHEN I get over my depression, etc. that I will be this completely wonderfull person that he's always been looking for blah blah blah etc.

However, I don't think I will ever get over my depression being WITH anyone. I have never experienced life on my own, in my own apartment, taking care of MYSELF and no other. I've never had my own independance, so how can I really love myself and my life if I am only living in the midsts of everyone elses lives? Living in THEIR homes, and revolving around THEM because I am basically at their mercy.

If he were just a roomate, then I suppose it would be easier for me to see myself as an independant person living with another independant person. But I rely on this guy for EVERYTHING because I am struggling so much. When I know I am ready to have my own life I will want to leave him as fast as I possibly can.

I am standing up for myself though. I don't have sex with him, I try not to kiss him, I do help with the house chores, etc. but I can't afford to pay him any money. I owe him so much it just tears me up inside that I've put myself in this situation again.

So the only answer to my puzzle that I can see is that I need to be independant. I need to have my own place, my own life, my own way of living and doing things without anyone else on me about how I do it. I know that is the answer. I just can't reach that point. It is so frustrating.

Hey, e. At least you know what you need to do and you don't want to hurt this guy. It must be stressful for you. Don't give up!
I think it's great that you realised these things about yourself and your relationships. Work for your independance as much as you can. It's ok if it'll take a little time.

I suppose you could find a way to be content with where you are in life, in what you have achieved, in who you are as a person, accept yourself, thank yourself, and then it would reflect in how you treat other people.
My thoughts.

Thank you Jasmin and Radames. I agree with you both.

The relationship I am in right now is VERY VERY weird.

I'm never jealous. When I say to him " Want me to get her number for you?" I am halfway serious. I just don't feel passionately in love with him.

I need to leave him. I know this. I don't have the means to right now but I need to come to some sort of decision on how to treat the situation that I am in. I am the worst decision maker in the world I think. It's exhausting for other people to listen to it as well because they are probably as dumbfounded as I am. Why? Simply because they see the solution, I see the same solution, I just can't bring myself to execute it because of going back and forth in my mind about what will happen afterwards. I am scared of the initial result of my decisions.
I'll have to start ALL over again. I've been doing this starting over process for about 6 years and I'm sick of moving all of the time. I guess I'll have to just make one more move, and start over AGAIN. I'm just so scared.

I'm ultimately scared of having that severe anxiety return to me. The kind that kept me in the house for two months.

Why can't I just get a new brain please?