Why doesn't my boyfriend call me?

Hey,

I feel that this is the right way to handle a marriage that has become 'stale' - i.e. it is better to accept that the marriage is failing, rather than dragging it out and arguing back and forth. It is wrong of anyone to expect two people to remain happy with each other for the rest of their lives. Once that point is accepted, marriages can be created and then broken with minimum problems, especially where children are concerned.

However, his wife doesn't appear to be accepting of the situation, but you cannot really blame her. I'm guessing that they are currently going through daily arguments of what exactly they should do about all of this; and, perhaps, he has become stressed about, well, everything that is happening.

I really do wish for your happiness. In fact, I view separations and divorces positively but, when a divorce/separation is imminent, the couple involved need to show respect of each other's happiness. That's happening between you and your husband and that is a major bonus. I guess, with that, it allows the two of ye to remain friends; and that is good for the sake of your children.

Kevin.

Hi Kevin, I agree that life is too short to stay in a loveless marriage or relationship. Especially if there is abuse. I think his wife verbally and emotionally abuses him. She is a bully and berates him and treats him like a kid. Who knows what else. He is respectful and doesn't say many bad things about her. But I know from her behavior and other people have told me things they have overheard and said that she is a bully towards him. I think that is why he works so much. To escape her and being at home with her.

I was hoping she and my husband could start a friendship and he could help her cope. She went to a psychic, but won't say what they said! Then she went to a psycharitrist (a much better choice I think) and they told her to stop stalking her husband and chasing after him in her car and being a lunatic. A difficult proposition for her I think.

Well Jay that is some food for thought. For the most part and some of it I agree.

But for my personal situation I have to differ on a lot of it. Especially the part about needing this relationship to get out of a humdrum marriage. It is more than humdrum. It was stiffling and I was in a deep depression for quite a while. My husband and I have worked on our marriage for 18 years and I have never been happy with him. I was planning to leave him when our son graduated. I was marking the years. Anyone that knows me could see I was not a happy person. I have been to counseling. I got a lot of insight and help from it. But it did not make me fall in love with my husband! To be blunt and honest I had even considered suicide as a means to end my marriage. I was that miserable.

I started reversing that desire when I went back to work about 3 years ago. I found friends and outside interests. I was earning money and building self esteem. But my marriage didn't improve.

I had no idea I was in love with my co-worker. Others including my husband were the ones that convinced me. I was in denial and wanted to stay that way! I loved feeling alive and happy. It was a feeling I had not had in at least 9 years. I just thought I loved my new job! I tried very hard to keep my feelings professional for my co-worker for a very long time. I did not want to complicate my life or his. I wish I could go back and do it over and chose differently. But I fell in love! It was nothing I have ever felt before!

No he isn't the only man for me. But he is the one that makes me feel alive like no one ever has before. After being so depressed and having suicidal thoughts...being awakened was a wonderful feeling.

Should I ignore that? Or is life too short and I should grab what happiness I find. I deserve to be happy!

I want to make him happy. I want to be his lover and friend and confidant and supporter and partner and experience life and dance and sing and be ALIVE with him. Being dead or half alive in a dead relationship is a waste of time for both of us.

Shouldn't we try to find happiness together?

I also don't agree that I somehow chose him for reasons of safety. I didn't chose him. Our feelinbgs evolved and grew and surprised the hell out of me! If he decided to stay with his wife and leave me I know I would survive. He has taught me a lot. I have grown a lot from knowing him. He has given me a new lease on life. He has built my self esteem and confidance and self worth up tremendously. He taught me self love. I am a better person for having known him regardless if we end up together.

Granted it is extreemely frustrating to be head over heels in love with someone who is married. But I have taught him a thing or two also. That he doesn't have to stay in a loveless sexless marriage and be bullied and berated and attacked all the time. He has an alternative in me who will love and nurture and accept him and make him feel great about himself instead of a wife that is always badgering him and putting him down and second guessing him as his wife has done for 30 years. Doesn't he deserve to have happiness instead of the misery he's endured for 30 years with his wife?

Yep I am a love struck teenager sitting by the phone. I have to agree I need to change that! I wil take that advice to heart. I am starting a new job which will distrafct me and keep me occupied. And I will find other things to do also.

But I will not give up on my love. I know I deserve to be happy and he is the person that makes me the happiest I have ever been. He is not God. I don't worship him. I just want to love him.

Hi Jay, Yes, he is terribly unhappy in his dysfunctional dead marriage. She has bullied him and picked on him for 30 years.

Ever since his wife caught us in my RV (our love nest) having lunch and went bananas he has been very cautious about seeing me or calling me. He is protecting me from her and protecting her from herself. He doesn't want her locked up in jail.

He is staying with her until he pays his credit card and then he is leaving her and getting an apartment of his own. In the meantime I am adrift because I don't see him at work and I don't see him enough period until he has his own place where we can meet and his wife will not be welcome! I miss him so much! But I understand that at this point he has to "play the game" with her and stay with her until he is financially able to leave. In the meantime she watches him like a hawk like he is a kid on restriction and he isn't allowed to go anywhere except work.

I'm staying in my dead marriage because if I leave now we would have to sell the house and divide our assets (we have talked through all the possibilities and my husband can not afford the mortgage alone) and our son & daughter would be uprooted from their home. Our son has a year left of High school. So we decided that it would be best for him if we kept our impending divorce and future seperation a secret from him. I do not want my decisions to divorce his dad to influence his decision about what to do when he graduates. I do not want my decisions to disrupt his last year of high school. We all want him to have his home base for the next year.

If my husband could afford the house alone I would elope immediately believe me no questions! But he can't and we want to keep the house for another year for our son to live in.

I don't believe love is blind deaf or dumb. I believe that I have a chemistry and a connection and a love like I have never felt before for him. I do trust him and believe he will leave his wife and we will build a life together full of love and happiness and kindness and joy and richness and be bestfriends, lovers, confidants, and dance and sing and explore and hold hands and make love and have respect and a level of compatibility with each other that we have never had before.

It is unfortunate that we met our match in each other while married to others. But both of us married our current spouses for the wrong reasons and both feel we are incompatible with our spouses.

I'm not afraid to be alone. I didn't chose a married man because it is a safe bet because I don't think it'll work out. I didn't choses him at all. I worked with him and over a period of time we got to know each other and we fell in love and we want to be with each other. It surprised the hell out of me when my husband told me I was in love with my co-worker! I had no idea! I thought I just loved my job and being there. But I was constantly talking about my co-worker and constantly thinking about him. So it was my husband that convinced me I was in love! I had no idea!

Isn't life too short to just turn your back on a love that is so unique to you and special and feels so right !? The alternative for me was to divorce and be alone or continue to feel buried alive in my marriage. My husband doesn't want that for me. He wants me to be happy.

When I am with my future husband I feel like my heart could burst with joy, I tremble and my heart beats fast and I feel energized and Alive and joy and happiness!

When I am with my current husband I feel deflated, down, and so unhappy. I never felt In Love with him. He was a fling that would never have lasted a month and I accidently got pregnant! My future husband is with his wife from exactly the same scenario. They met and fooled around and she got pregnant and he never felt in love with her. He stayed in the dysfunctional marriage for his daughter. She is 21 now and on her own.

Now that we met each other we know what we have been missing! We deserve a chance at love! we have that foundation to start and build on. I have never cared about anyone except my kids the way I care about him.

What if I had my Oasis and that is what attracted him to me and this is the ONE I have been seeking! His love is gentle and true. I know him and he loves me heart and soul!

We are just in a stage of the game where he has to extricate himself from his current wife. And it is hard for me emotionally because I want to be with him so badly I ache!

Thanks for understanding and being so helpful and wishing me well.

I appreciate you saying that Jay. I do feel we belong together. When I am with him the brightest light shines in my eyes through my soul for him. He makes me feel full of light and love. How can I deny that and turn away! I just can't!

I realized after writing the last post that I had answered my own question "why doesn't he call me?"

But following up on these posts and writing about our love and feelings for each other has helped me see that he is the most special person I could ever hope to find. Hearing from others about their perspectives on my situation has helped a lot too. Thanks for that! I know I am on the right road. I just have a little hormonal situation this weekend and was feeling teary and insecure!

We are at a stage at this moment where we are working toward our ultimate goal of being together. It is hard for me to be without him because I feel so good when I am with him. And I love being with him and I miss him so.

But we will get through this stage and be together. I just need patience!

Oh, and that two minute phone call to reassure me all is well and to hear his voice which is magic to my ears!

Did I mention that he is the sexiest man alive? Oh to me he is! We are so good together. If you saw us you would see it too! You know the couples that are always hand in hand and smooching and can't keep their hands off each other? That is us! Love is not blind deaf or dumb...it is a living breathing entity all it's own.

Speaking of deafness...a lot of frustration in my current marriage stems from the fact that I am hard of hearing. My husband does not understand that very well and doesn't deal with it very well. It causes a lot of friction. My husband to be is also hard of hearing and he is very understanding and we have no friction in that regard. It is an important issue that we appreciate in each other that there is no problem communicating with each other. He has a very deep voice that is loud so I have no trouble hearing or understanding him and he knows he has to face me to speak to me and I know that I have to do the same for him.

Before I met my future husband I had a list of all the qualities I wanted in a man. He pretty much has 90% of those qualities. My current husband has about 10%. He is very selfish and self involved. He does not put me or us first. He puts himself first. He is much more effeminate than I like. I have no sexual attraction towards him. The opposite is true for all of those things with my future husband. The current husband hates to kiss. I used to beg him to kiss me and he could or would not! I love to kiss and so does my future husband and we do kiss a lot and so well! I love men who wear cowboy boots and are masculine and like to touch and hold hands. My husband is cold and reserved and does not hold hands or display any outward affection. I absolutely Love to dance and so does my future husband. That is actually how our romance started, we were going to go out dancing as friends because my current husband is a terrible dancer and I would rather go stag to the dance than with him! The comparisons continue with the level of passion in our sex life. There is NONE with my current husband. He is very mechanical and boring. He has no imagination. He is ten years younger than me and has the libido of a man twice my age! My future husband is the lover I have been starving for my whole adult life. We always amaze each other with the passion we have with each other and a comfort and openness and tenderness and amazing sex drive we have with each other. We are not shy with each other! We are open and adventurous.

And he is the only man who has ever given me a nick name. So sweet and endearing! He is interested in me. He adores me. He puts me on a pedestal. He is polite and a gentleman. He opens the door for me. He makes sure I am warm and comfortable. He is romantic. He is so much more and you are probably sick of me gushing about him. But I can't stop because he is wonderful to me and I have never been so lucky in my life!

Thank you for letting me vent here and get my brain back on track regarding the love of my life!

I also learned a valuable lesson this past week. Even if I don't see him or hear from him for days or a week. I will survive!

And, even if I surprise HIM by doing a 180 degree turn and walking away from HIM, I will still survive.

Of course, he'll be crushed for a good time, likely.

But this week has not been great. We went 9 days without seeing each other. He and I had a fabulous time together then he disappears. This happens all the time. And it is me who makes all the effort to see him. He lives on the other side of town and I always go there to see him. That is where our love nest is.

When we did see each other it was a great reunion and fabulous crazy sex, but then this weekend he is playing games with me and being mean. Again.

I think I will suggest he and I take a break.

I think he has been using me for a piece of ass. At least it feels like it. He is a fast talker and talks sweet, but I am getting to be immune to it.

Today maybe the last straw. I worked from 3 am to 11 am at my new job. This job is killing me. It is physically too hard for me and it is the night shift which is something I'm not used to. So started the job and haven't been sleeping or eating well. I'm all mixed up with my eating/sleeping patterns.

He said that when I got off work we would see each other. But then he called and said his wife was getting off at 1 pm so we would have only a couple hours or less together so he suggested I go get some much needed rest and he would call me at 4 or 5. So he texted me and said to meet him at the RV. I start to drive over there and he calls and tells me he didn't have a good excuse to get out of the house so he told his wife he was going to the store and he would be gone only ten minutes. He said she would be out looking for him if he was later than ten minutes! What a short leash this dog is on!!! And he puts up with that and wants to live like that!! OK!

So I told him to drive the RV to the campground and I would meet him. He told me no way that she would see him with the RV and follow him. The point was that he didn't have a way out of the house, or he didn't really want to see me, or he was chicken $#%^ to piss off his wife and listen to her crap when he didn't come home! God he is worthless at making plans for us!

So then he starts not putting his mouth near the phone and talking really fast and I tell him I can't hear him but he doesn't raise the volume and he starts yelling at me which makes it very hard to understand him. I ask him calmly over and over to please put his mouth near the phone and to calm down and stop yelling I can not hear him and he keeps it up and is getting a lot of drama and #######4 and then he hangs up and doesn't answer when I call back. I left him a few voice mails crying asking why he is treating me so bad. I do everything I can to love him and be with him and if he doesn't or can't see me then he should just say so and not play games.

I have tomorrow off. He said he asked for the day off too.

I have a feeling that he did not ask for it off and that he created this drama so that he can go to work either because he doesn't want to be with me or his wife is off and will be wondering where he is if he is not at work, or he just would rather go to work.

Whatever the case may be if he chooses to work and not call me or not be appologetic then it is over for good.

Really and sincerely...tired of this #######4. He isn't going to sweet talk me this time. He was too mean and rude to me. I haven't slept or eaten right all week and I have made time to see him even though I am mentally and physically wiped out.

Another reason why he didn't call me while he was out of town last weekend is that he said he didn't have cellular service in the city he was in. I know that is true, but he could have borrowed a phone.

He is a user. I am sick of being used.

He told me he has payed off more than half of his credit card debt. But that is #######4 too I bet.

He just called and told me Asta La Vista Baby. And when he tells me that it is quits. He asked me why I was in such a panic on the phone when it was him creating the drama and panic. He does that on purpose to get out of seeing me becuse he doesn't wan to get caught by his wife. Then he balmes me for creating the drama when it was him all along.

I deserve so much better. I demand better and he can't deliver

Asta La Vista indeed asshole!

So be it.

Oh, and this morning when I talked to him he swore and promised and made it clear that he would never let me go. Never give me up!!

What a bunch of bull $#%^.

He is dead to me. My eyes are wide open and I am through being this guys Bunny and getting nothing for it.

Well let him stay with his fat frigid wife. Let him try to find someone as good to him as I was.

I love him, but he does not have one quality in particular I need. I do not trust what he tells me. He told me this morning he would never let me go. I was his life and his love and all this BS. Then he tells me Asta La Vist Baby this afternoon for no good reason. Also his habit of deserting me on the weekends is BS and I'm better off ending it now than putting up with that behavior later if we were married.

I'm not taking his calls or texting him back if he tries to contact me I will ignore it. I hope I mean that and will do it. It is hard. I love him. With all my heart. But he hurts me. And that must mean he doesn't love me and is not sincere.

I don't know why he acted like this today!

Good enough.

He said it all..Asta La Vista Baby.

And that is that.

No more crying. no more words. It's over and I can finally breathe!
Ha his loss!

No, I don't think you are over critical. I am going to do as you say as a matter of fact. Find some thing for me to focus on.

I had worked Sunday from 3 am to 11 am. A really tough shift and I was wiped out physically and I was in pain and I was in no mood to hear him yell at me and create his drama to get out of seeing me. I KNOW WHAT ASTA LA VISTA BABY MEANS!! When he says it you do not need the literal translation! He is a Mexican American and he knows what he is saying too! See you later. We are through...with rudeness...is what he was saying. I told him if he ever said that to me again I would be done with him.

And I am.

I have not spoken to him, answered his calls or texts since he said that to me.

He had the upper hand in the relationship. He was the one calling the shots, telling me with an inflated ego that he didn't have time for meeting me. He was too busy, his wife wouldn't let him out, he had suckered me in and I was tired of being being last in a long line of "things to do" for him.

I made time for him and went beyond normal expectations to see him and be with him and he treated me like $#%^. I made it through a few of those lost weekends where I sat by the phone waiting like you said as a "love sick teenager". Thanks for saying that, because it was so true and made me realize how stupid I have been.

I was tired of being used and taken for granted. Anyway I was saying that I had gotten through a lot of lost weekends where I pined away for him and he didn't call me or care about my feelings. I survived the terrible weekend that started this thread in this forum. I made it through and realized he is just using me, he doesn't have empathy for my feelings, if I allow him to treat me this way now he will think it is ok to do it to me always and that is unacceptable.

I survived without him and I can do so permanently. Our relationship from my point of view because of him not calling and his terrible treatment of me had been unraveling for a long time. Our relationship started out strong with a great connection. But his actions and behavior bit by bit over time unraveled the rope and Sunday it snapped completely.

I am not mad, I am not sad. I am not crying or coming apart. I feel calm and serene and happy about my decision.

He has called me day and night for two days. It is all mememememe. He knows he screwed up. He loves me, He needs me, He wants me, Marry me he says as if he is single and available and desirable!!!! He is sorry can't he have another chance? He promises to never say Asta La Vista again. As if that was the real problem!

He thinks I am a sucker. Not this time. He keeps calling and crying pathetically (a real turn off by the way) about how hurt HE is, How worried about me he is and can't I just call or text him so he knows I am ok. He has my friends call me, he is using everyone's phone's thinking i will answer a phone number I don't know. He is creating a huge drama about it at work. Crying and going on and I ..don't I still love him, want him (no I really do not).

His last message was what I want to hear...he knows he screwed up and that I probably don't love him anymore and he realizes I deserve the best and he is not the best in my estimation. He is going to California for his Aunts funeral and leaves Thursday and will be back Monday. He is sorry and he will stop calling me and bothering me!

YEAH!!!

So I am going to focus on me. I work crazy hours, but it is a new beginning for me. If I still worked with him I would never be able to break up with him. He would always charm my pants off once again. He is sorry that he's lost his piece of ass. Poor guy.

I am moving the RV tomorrow. So he won't know where it is. He won't be able to go there. It won't be convienent for us to meet so I am forcing myself to move it to assure that I will not get back together with him. Even if he left his wife tomorrow I do not think I would run to his arms.

Something woke me up and really turned me off of him. Something snapped inside me and my love and caring for him died. Sad but it is really true. I have no desire for him anymore at all!

Hey Luvnaz,

I know exactly how you feel. I had a relationship with a married man for two years who was very controlling. I thought I'd NEVER be able to leave him or live without him but now I am and have been doing for well over a year if not more.

I understand what you mean about the text messages too, and the phone calls. Even now, if I choose.. note the words I CHOOSE.. to speak to him via msn he reminds me with nearly every word he types why I'm lucky to be out of the situation.

I'm just trying to say now looking back over time I can honestly say to you it does get better. It gets easier to cope, easier to forget. Sure I could sit here all day and think about how great we were together and put all those good times together and wonder if I should get back with him but I'm bluntly reminded, by myself, that he'd never let me forget that I left him, even though as like your married man does, blames himself for our actions. Don't dwell on the good bits and lump them all together, it does no good, it only clouds your judgement. Even if your not at the moment try not to in the future.

Live for yourself, carry on writing like we've chatted about and enjoy life.

As cruel as it may sound I often find that every relationship we put behind ourselves was there for a reason. Each reason being different, but often it's quite simply they are stepping stones to reach the higher happier life that's around the corner. Just that sometimes we can't reach that other level alone and need a comfort blanket along the way.

I'm glad you realised how bad he was treating you, it's easy for other people to tell you but you never actually realise truely until you realise yourself.