Why doesn't my boyfriend call me?

I've been with my boyfriend for about six months. We met at work and were able to see each other a lot and talk and have lunch and see each other after work a few times a week. I no longer work there and we see each other a lot less now and don't talk as much as I would like either. I understand he has a lot to do at work and I honestly am not demanding a lot of his time. But I love him and enjoy his company and enjoy talking to him.

The problem is that he will go days sometimes without calling or texting me. I feel ignored and unimportant to him. He says he thinks about me 24-7! So why doesn't he call me or text me?

When I have asked him why he doesn't call me or text me he says that when we get on the phone we talk too much! Sometimes this is true. But I would be satisfied and have told him I would be satisfied if he could just call me once a day for 10 minutes or even less just to connect and just to say Hi, I am thinking of you and wishing I could see you or whatever! But he won't hear me clearly or he doesn't care or he has other priorities and I am last on his list!

If he loved me and was thinking of me and wanting to be with me why doesn't he call me?

I hate being so needy and insecure! What can I do to reverse this?

Thank you!

Hello,

There might be an easier answer to all of this, but you need to find out what it is because this is clearly upsetting you. Have you actually let him know how upset you are? If not, then you should tell him. If he is your boyfriend, then you should be able to talk openly about such issues.

It could be that he is just very stressed at work. Like, I'm sure that he thinks about calling you, but maybe he's under pressure to get work done. Also, he was used to being able to easily talk to you after work (because ye both work in the same place) - He might just have found it difficult to manage a change from the way things 'used to be'.


Kevin

Thank you for your very thoughtful and very insightful responses. It helps a lot to get that kind of feedback.

Yes, I have talked to him many times about him not calling. Since I don't work with him anymore we don't talk as much as we used to. He is a little upset that I quit my job, but he understands why I needed to do so. But it still hurt his feelings and took it personal. Like he may have thought I quit the job to get away from him. But I have assured him that is not true. I want to marry him and he knows that very well!

I do call and text him all the time. He can't always answer and I understand. But last Wednesday he turned his phone OFF and didn't call me at all! It was particularly rude because we had shared a very intimate evening together the night before. I got one text in the morning that said I was great. It is awful to feel used when you think someone loves and cares about you and all I have are doubts when he does that to me!

Thursday he didn't go to work but he did call and text me while he was taking his brother home. I wanted to go with him but it wasn't the right time. He called me later in the evening telling me he was on his way back to town and would call me when he got there. He didn't. I was worried because it was raining.

He was a litttle drunk and told me all the sweet things a woman wants to hear. I love you, you're the only one, no one like you, I want to marry you, he was sorry for not calling on Wednesday, sorry for being cool on Tuesday! But he didn't call me to let me know he was home ok! I was so worried about him all day Friday! He didn't go to work and he has not answered his phone since!

It is Saturday night and he hasn't called me since Thursday night when he was on his way home.

He is pushing me to dump him. When he called me Thursday a little tipsy I told him that all I expected especially if he had a busy or stressful day was a two minute phone call to say Hi. I do not demand he stay on the phone for a long time. I asked him if he understood my needs, he said he did.

I am frustrated he won't do that simple thing to please me. I have about lost my patience with him.

Hey Luvnaz

I'm female and I've been in this situation myself before so I can understand how frustrating it can be.

Looking back now with heinsight, I'd have done things completely different. I did the same as you, hung on waiting for his call, checked my messages on my phone a million times just in case I missed one. Worried myself silly about why he hadn't called.

Here's my advice and I'm not saying it's right as I don't know your situation completely, but it's what I'd do if I was back in that same situation as I was before.

Don't call him, don't text. I know that will be hard. Find something else to do instead of calling, busy yourself with housework if needs be! If he calls you and asks why you havn't called it means he's noticed and cares. But even when he does don't go back to how you was before, hanging on the telephone. If he calls back after your absence then ring in the morning to say good morning and last thing at night to say goodnight. Make it almost ritual, so after time he gets used to it. If he goes back to not answering your calls then give it a deadline, say to yourself.. 'ok I'll ring him twice a day, but if he doesn't call back or answer in three days then leave it.'

Ok if after you don't call or text him he then doesn't ring back then he obviously hasn't missed you and I shouldn't bother. A relationship is two way, it shouldn't be you doing all the chasing. If he doesn't call back at all then I would safely assume that the only reason he did call back previously for those few fleeting times was because you called him.

That's my penny's worth anyway, hope it helps.

Sparkles is certainly right in what she says. I am male, but have also been in the same situation with a girl and, looking back, I would also have done things differently. I was so stupid back then: Sometimes, when I received no reply from her (my now ex-girlfriend), I would top-up her mobile (cell-phone) with money because I was worried that she had ran out of money and had no means to contact me. I'd then send her a message to tell her that I topped-up her phone, to which she'd reply (of course).

Anyway, if you don't contact him anymore, I'm sure he will notice it and wil wonder what is happening. If he then genuinely does miss you, then he will get in touch. It is a bit like reverse psychology, I guess. In any case, the current cycle must be broken because you are getting hurt, and that is not what we want.

Kevin.

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. He has a very stressful job and when another person doesn't show it is even more so. I do take those times into account. But Wednesday it really hurt because Tuesday night was so fabulous. I also hurt because he turned off his phone completely to distance himself from me. He appologized for it, but he was drunk and trying to get back in my good graces. He hasn't been heard from since!

Well I did leave out one very LARGE and important fact as to why (especially on the weekends) he can't call. He is married. She knows about me and he's told her he loves me and wants to be with me. On the weekends he is at home with her like it is a prison. He can sometimes break away to call me or text me. If she works he can break away and see me. But she follows him and makes his life hell.

He tells me to be patient he is going to leave her. He said he would do it this month, but changed it to the middle of June because May was hectic and the end came quickly and he has not taken care of the credit card bill he wants to get out from under before he splits with her.

I hate the situation I am in. I love him. Deeply. I want to have a life and a future with him. I know he does with me too. But he is stalling. I guess I need more patience than I have ever had.

I have never had to deal with this sort of behavior. I have never had to wait for a man! I am very sought after and he is very possessive. I don't know what to do! I NEED to see him and talk to him to have a relationship with him!!!! He acts like I'm a doll he can shelve until he is ready to be with me! I hate that!

I need to do something about it!

WHAT ?? I am so frustrated. I don't want to push him away. I don't want to be a doormat and let him treat me so poorly. I have to do something. I just don't know what.

Last week I texted him to death with very sexually suggestive texts. It worked & he was wild to be with me. But he was in a rush because his wife was going to bust him.

Now he is home for the long weekend and he can't call and it drives me past what my patience can endure.

I may seem like a hypocrate now with what I'm about to type if any of my friends were to read this.

I've 'dated' married men for the pure and simple fact that they're safe. I'd have never been left in the situation where he's stood at my door with his bags declaring his undying love and wanting to move in with me.

He's having his cake and eating it. Sure, he may intend one day to leave the Mr's, but that intention could last for years. I don't know him, I could be completely wrong.

It sounds like his personal life is more stressfull than his work life with his wife and you. He sounds like he's juggling the two of you, he sounds out of his depth. No wonder he wasn't very happy with you changing jobs, as he now has to find time on top of his wife and his job to see you.

If it was me, if I loved him as much as you do I'd tell him so, which I expect you have done. Have a break from him, tell him you need it. Have some time away to think. If he loves you as he says he does then perhaps when you come back he'll have sorted the credit card bill out, or anything else that pops up and will be ready to be with you, or at least treat you better.

If after a break away he's still moving the goal posts and not phoneing then find someone else or accept the fact he'll forever be doing this to you.

That is a very important fact that you have omitted - not to worry though. I am just curious now though: Are there any children involved?

I guess - in my mind anyway - he might be feeling guilty about the relationship with you, and that could be why he is contacting you less and less. Look at it this way: It was easy for him to see you while you worked in the same place as him. Now, however, maybe the time apart from seeing you has made him change his mind about the relationship with you. There might also be the case to make that there is less temptation for him now that he doesn't see you everyday.

Either way, maybe getting involved with a married man was the wrong idea because, as you know only too well now, you are the one getting hurt. If I sound critical of you, I don't mean to me. I got involved with a girl who had a boyfriend before when I was 22. Okay, it's a different scenario, but the same principle applies.

Kevin.

Thanks you two for not blasting me and making me feel like the home wrecker.

His kids are grown. My son is 17 and will graduate in a year from High school. My husband (my roommate since the affair) wants me to stay in our home for our son's sake for another year. My lover wants the same thing (kids come first to us). My daughter is 21 and knows about the affair and supports me because she knows I have never been happy in my marriage to her stepdad. We married for the sake of our son whom I was pregnant with when we first started dating. My contraception failed and I've felt stuck with him ever since. We get along fine. We are friends, but there is no passion. He understands I have fallen in love and wants me to be happy. He is a good guy who holds no resentments. He wants the best for me. He loves and supports me. But there is no passion or desire. I feel nothing but friendship for him and he feels the same for me.

My relationship with my lover is intense and I have never felt this way before. He says the same about me. I am 47 he is 51. I was in love with him and it was a former boyfriend whom I am still friendly with and my husband that actually pointed out to me that I was in love with or had at the very least a huge crush on my co-worker! My husband could see how happy I was when I spoke about my co-worker which was constantly, because he is all I think about! He said I glowed when I spoke about him and I was always much happier than ever before. So he convinced me when I was really oblivious why I was so happy. I thought it was just the new job! How bizarre is that!

So once I discovered I was in love with him I started looking at him differently. His advances and flirtations increased and I couldn't resist. I still can't. I have always been a "love them and leave them" kind of person. Never too upset about breaking up. Always able to bounce right back and date someone new. This is nothing I have ever felt before. Infatuation, lust, love, obession, yes...all that and more! I can't get enough of him. His voice, his touch, his words, his scent, his lovemaking. I want to bask in the glow of him forever! He has me wrapped around his finger and he says exactly the same as I do that he can't get enough. He can't resist me. I have him wrapped around his finger.

But his wife doesn't want to lose him. He is playing a bad game with her staying with her when he really wants to be with me. She caught us together once and he stayed with me even though she asked him to leave with her. He has protected me from her and she knows it. He has told her he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't think it is about having his cake and eating it too. I truly believe he wants only me. He is crazy about me. He says I'm the one he should have married and had children with. I'm the woman he was looking for all his life. I feel the same.

Are these all cliches married men say to get a woman in bed? I am a fool in love I know, but I believe him because I feel the same about him and my feelings are real! So I give him the benefit of the doubt.

A lot of the women at work that have known him for years ( as a big flirt) say after he met me he changed. He seems genuinely in love with me they all say. The men who know him at work say the same.

But his excuse for staying? A credit card debt he wants to get out from under before he gets his own place so we can be together. He is very frustrated about it. He wants to leave her badly. He wants to make a good start with me. Being in debt isn't the way he wants to start things off with me. He wants very badly to get out from under her thumb. She treats him like a kid on restriction for misbehaving! He can't go anywhere, he is at home and it is like a prison.

He can't call me or leave the house to meet me. She will follow him and embarass him. She abuses him.

He just called me a minute ago as I type this to you all...

"Bunny. I'm Ok. I will call you later. I'm sorry."

I cried like a baby! I know he is stuck at home with his wife and probably took a big chance to text me. She doesn't know he has a phone!

So maybe that is all it is? The job is too demanding, I am impatient, and on the weekends his wife is babysitting him?

He needs to get out of that place and divorce her!

In theory your idea of a break sounds sensible Sparkles, but I couldn't pull it off. I want to be there for him supporting him and urging him to get a move on things.

I am an impatient person by nature!

I can't imagine what he would do! We actually have tried to break things off before for respect of our spouses and families. We were crazy miserable zombies. This was when we worked together and saw each other. So breaking up when we don't work together? I don't know what would happen.

It is a test I am too chicken to try.

But I can remind him that there is a limit to how much of this I can take! He knows I am very impatient and want him away from his wife. For us!

Chucky do you really think that he sees less of me so there is less temptation? I didn't think of that. He says he thinks about me ALL the time! I don't know about the guilt he feels. I really have no idea what his home life is like other than his wife picks on him a lot and emotionally abuses him and is driving him away.

Thanks for your insights! Much appreciated.