Friend? Or not....

Well, in my book "relationship" can be between any two people - platonic or romantic. So here I go, ranting about what are probably just classic teenage problems. But I can't help it. And I am going to be completely honest here and confess all my feelings even though that's something I am normally afraid to do. I apologize in advance for length.

I will start with the smaller thing that's getting to me. One of my very best friends is actually someone I met online. I have not met her in person but I am going to this summer and we have talked on the phone, plus online, obviously. I know this may sound utterly stupid to some of you to have such a close relationship with someone you've never met in person, but IMO, a screen is no barrier between two great friends. Well, her internet and phone got cut because she couldn't pay the bills. This means I have no way of talking to her. I miss her like mad, but I know she has huge problems to deal with and will not be getting her phone or net back for another month or two. She does periodically go to an internet cafe so I have talked to her twice since her net got cut almost two months ago. However, she has said that sometimes even when she has the chance, she doesn't go to the net cafe because she feels too rotten to get out of bed. This worries me. She is completely cut off from the world (has no friends or family). She has no one to vent to, no one to talk to EVER and this doesn't seem like something that can fix herself. So I am extremely worried about her, plus the fact that I miss her SO much. I practically cried when she got online last. Anyway, that's one of my problems.

The second is with my best friend who lives around here. We've known each other since kindergarten but been close friends for 4 years now. We rarely ever fight and used to spend alot of time together, be it on the phone or hanging out. Well, just this year, we both started to like the same guy. This has happened before and it turned into a big mess, so this time we vowed that neither one of us would date him or initiate a romantic relationship with him. Of course, I was true to the promise but she wasn't. A week later she asked me if I'd be okay with them going out. I would've felt like a super bitch saying no, so I just didn't say anything. She pretty much got the point and came to my house crying and sobbing and begging me to talk to her but be okay with them dating. I reminded her that I don't like to talk things out right away because I am often angry and not thinking clearly. I finally got her to leave so I could calm down and three days later I decided to talk to her again. Of course, they were already going out and I was not the least bit happy. Not because I liked the guy too, (it's high school and I am not that stupid) but because she broke a promise. I actually got over the guy but I am still not over this whole promise. But it gets worse.

Since then, they have broken up and re-got together millions of times. It was for good reason, but I won't discuss his personal details on here. By the way, each time they broke up (and when he started dating another one of her best friends) she expected me to be sympathetic. She even cried to her mom right in front of me and let her mom tell her that this girl was an awful friend for doing such a thing. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Anyway, after they broke up for the final time, they still kept hanging out, which is fine, but she lied repeatedly in order to hang out with him. She did that while they were dating, too. Sheesh, can she not just TELL me the truth and stop being such a baby?? Well, anyway, out of the blue, this guy calls me says he likes me. He kept insisting I give him a chance but I was honest with him and told him that my friend and I had a pact, and even though she broke it I wasn't going to. He said okay and we hung up. I was honest with her and told her that he had said he liked me and her immediate response was that he was lying because there was a void he was trying frantically to fill but never would. To me, it sounded like she just didn't want him to like me so made up an excuse. I soon found out that he had also confessed to liking a fourth one of us but she, too, had blown him off. Since all of this, we haven't been good friends, and I have tried to talk to her but she's ignored me. I know she's read my messages as it tells you the status of the message after you send it. But to this day I have gotten no response, 3 weeks later.

Now prom is coming up. The two of them are going together and because our group has a 20 person limit (due to reservations, etc.), I cannot go with the person that asked me. So, I am supposed to watch her get googly-eyed with the person who has pretty much caused our downfall AND have the satisfaction of knowing that, because I am the only one with no boyfriend, I am probably going to be the only one (or close to it) without a date in our whole group. Not to mention that I only know about 6 or 7 of the 20 people in our group. Prom night is beginning to look awfully lonely for me.

If you read all of this, thank you. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it, but I also understand if no one knows what to say. This post was mostly just for ranting.

Hi,

I certainly agree that two people can be great friends over the Internet. Before I even remotely developed a social life, Internet friends were the only friends that I had in my life. I actually developed a huge crush for a girl living in England (I live in Ireland) but it never materialised.

I think that you should try to be patient with your Internet friend. Be confidant that she can look after herself for the time being. She will get back to you eventually.

On the note of your female friend who dated the guy against the pact that was made, well, you cannot blame her for going for what she wants in life. However, I do understand your frustration and anger. I would be enraged if I was in a similar situation. Be aware that friendships don't last forever - We don't live in a movie here, where everything is sweet. Perhaps it is time to move on from your past friendship with this person. She clearly does not respect you and one can make the argument that she is generally not a very nice person and only thinks of herself.

Look, if you aren't happy, then realise what is making you unhappy and work on cutting it out of your life. It's never too late.


On the final note regarding your prom, is there some other group of people that you can go with? I never went to my 'prom' (It's called a 'Debutants Ball' here). I never knew any girl who I could ask. Since then, I have dated three girls though; and I am now 25.

Take care,
Kevin.

When you don't have interpersonal interaction, you have to put your own interpretation, motivation, standards and principles into what they say. That's using alot of assumption about their character, abilities, intelligence, and goals which usually proves incorrect.

What you know is that your internet friend is not good with managing money. She might not have much money to allocate for luxuries vs. necessities so some luxuries at times must go - like the net. But you have no way t know that - knowing only what she tells you of her life, without interpersonal interaction.

Your in person friend.....while you might resent her dating this guy that you both agreed not to date, you've continued to affiliate with her while she's done it. Of course she expects yoursympathy and you to be delighted for her. If you objected to her dating this guy after saying she wouldn't, youo'd have needed to step back from all this association and affiliation because you odn't agree with the standards that allow her to break this promise.

But you've stayed in the friendship - and she expects your support as a result.

I have to comment on the internet friend. A year and a half ago, I met someone online and we became really good friends. We could tell each other pretty much anything. Months later I met him in person and that was the only time. I talked to him on the phone a few times but it was mainly all online. We still talk. We've had a few fights and we always make up and we are really great friends. I help him with things and he helps me too. It would scare me too if I lost contact with him. You don't have to feel stupid for your feelings, hun.

I guess you guys are right about the in person friend. The reason I've had such a hard time with it is that I've been friends with the same group of girls (there are four of us) for a very long time. Besides the said one, I met one in first grade and one in eighth grade. If I remove myself from the problem, I will end up removing myself from the group because due to my class schedule, I never see any of them but her.

when you're a kid - you don't really pick your friends. Your parents pick where you live - which determines what school you're in, what church you attend, what you are allowed to do and who you're allowed to see.

Your parents pick the peer group that they want you to be affiliated with because it is kids who's parents share pretty much your parents ideas and goals, or at least neighborhood proximity and religious demonation.

A big step into adulthood - which is simply stepping up from "being someone's daughter" - and doing waht you're told - to get approval and attention, so that other people determine your fate...is associate with people who's mind's, perspective, intelligence, character, interests, and goals YOU as an individual respect, admire, and share.

So all the girls you went to school with - it's natural in adulthood to find those friendships are ending as each of your lives expand, and horizons are broadened.

Each of you is becoming your own person not just "someone's daughter, someonoe's friend, someone's student, someone's sister"......and as you develop your own perspective on life, your own responsiblity and accountabiliy to self - you easily might find that what you had in common, fades to black, or at least into the background.

I have actually met a few people online and the experience has been two out of three good. The third was rather bad, at least it ended that way. The second had to have been the best relationship I have ever had with a woman. She was very mature, humble, and was a very hard worker. Unfortunately, the latter, and outside influences, caused us to not be able to last. Looking back on it I wish that I could have had a bit more clarity when choosing friends as the people that desired that title wanted to put me through hell. Literally, they wanted to put me in jail. Otherwise, being that my mindset would have been more sane, I probably would have responded a bit less psychotically to my ex and ended up befriending her in the end. Ah, c'est la vie! We live and learn.

goinUP wrote:I guess you guys are right about the in person friend. The reason I've had such a hard time with it is that I've been friends with the same group of girls (there are four of us) for a very long time. Besides the said one, I met one in first grade and one in eighth grade. If I remove myself from the problem, I will end up removing myself from the group because due to my class schedule, I never see any of them but her.

This post by you [above] makes it seem as if you aren't too keen on these people anymore. I would argue the fact that you don't have to be friends with them anymore. If you feel that you have changed (or, indeed, they have changed), then move on. You can be the independent one here and show that you won't let things hold you back in life.

Kevin.

I don't know about any of this. I am no good at being independent. No good at coping with change (big or small) and no good at learning how to get away from people.

The problem appears to be that your identity is caught up in alliance.

You're someone's daughter, friend, grilfriend, employee, student, etc. or else you're "nobody" in your view.

It's just that as a child - you are "someone's child" as an identity marker, as an adult - you are not that as a determininant of who you go, what you do, what you become, and what you have.