Rant...

I've been trying to get to sleep for about 45 mins. now, and no luck, so I thought I'd come here and rant about what's on my mind...

My problem is similar to Kamehameha's, my girlfriend has "stepped back", if you will, from the relationship. At least, that's how it feels to me. I feel like I put so much into the relationship, and she's just 'kinda... there. I spend about 90% of my time/energy thinking about her, trying to find ways to express my love, etc. and the other 10% is on everything else in my life (school, friends, family, recreation, etc.) I know, I obsess over her too much, but I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your life pushing people away, then suddenly become attached to one single person.

That's me. I was the 'loner' until junior year in high school (just last year... I'm 17, BTW). I don't want to be too needy, but it would be nice to feel like I'm getting something back from this. She seems to devote around 10-15% to me compared to the 90% I give her.

It would be nice to spend some time together at school (especially considering that our weekends, the only time out of school we can really see each other, are usually busy now), to have her react to a romantic gesture BEFORE I have to sound disappointed, to have her preform a romantic gesture not related to a holiday... I don't think that's too much to ask.

Example: I asked her if we could hang out together in the cafeteria, before school. She said yes. The next day, we go to breakfast and she goes to the table with all our friends (mostly her friends... I'm still not good with people. I mean I know them, but don't want to spend time with them... Anyway) hang out. I get a little upset, and she doesn't notice. It happens that they are talking about MY FAVORITE TOPIC (sarcasm, there), sex. I know, a guy who hate conversations about sex... the world must be ending. One of them has a book, something about 'Sex All Year' or something. It has a different position for every day of the year. Of corse, my girlfriend has to find out the one for her birthday... I get more pissed (I've said before, in my first topic. I'm Emo.) The girl with the book asks my birthday... She gets a cold stare and silence as a reply . This finally get my girl's attention. (she knows I'm not a fan of sex-relatated stuff and knows I wanted to be alone with her so you would think she could figure out I wasn't exactly happy before that point).

Anyway, I just wanted to rant, to get that off my chest. I guess if someone could give me some info, that would be great. I've told her before how stuff like that makes me feel, and she knows it takes little to make me happy (One day we actually did spend the morning alone, or as alone as you can get in a high school cafeteria , and I was happy most of the day. It doesn't take a lot).

In her defense, she has been trying lately. It's just frustrating... I don't know. I'm tired right now anyway, as it's almost 2:30am. So thanks for any help, though all I really need is someone to listen...

Hey, nightshade! It's nice that you like to spend time alone with her. I'm here if you need someone to listen. Maybe you could try to set something up with her, and spend a certain amount of time with her and no one else, every week. You could tell her you're serious, and she shouldn't break her promise if she agrees. You can offer something in exchange, so it can be a compromise.

Whoever invented wakeing up should revise it to NOT include opening eyes, people or alarm clocks yelling at you to get up, or sunlight streeming through the window and focusing right on your eyes...

Thanks Jasmin. I'll try working something out with her.

Of corse we can't get together this Sunday (today) because of family stuff on her side. I know it's not her fault, but it seems the fates (or whatever you belive in) brought us together, and now want to keep us apart.

Well, I have to go get ready for church... at least we can be together for a couple hours today, there...

At least you get to see her there It would be nice if you could come up with a plan to spend time together. Good luck!

Hey nightshade, I know it can be frustrating when it seems you are the only one giving and also when you have waited so long to be able to give to a particular person. However, in my opinion, as there is only one planet earth, and not six billion planets where we each have our own, other people will still influence us in some way. Therefore, to have someone avoid the pressure of being the source of your constant attention, as if you would find many flaws, I think it is good for you to come here to express your passions, frustrations, angers, pains, hopes, dreams, and aims in life. It will put your relationship with her into a better perspective and you will enjoy and appreciate each other more.

Thanks, Jasmin, for your ever present support. I know I'm not the only one who appreciates it. And Thank you, radames, for your comments. I know my problems are pretty small compared to most of the other stuff on these forums, so I am grateful for peoples responses...

You're very sweet, nightshade. You deserve support and to have things go well for you

You're spending 100% of your mental/emotional waking hours trying to figure out what would "make her want you".

You've got so much time/energy/need invested in this - there is no way no matter how much attention she pays you for you to believe she's as "into you" - as you are into her.

You're not into her as a person. You're into her approval and attention - because it makes you like you.

Jasmin: Thanks again!

Excalibur: Thank you for trying to help, but I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at. I am "into her" as a person. It's just that I was never really close to anyone after my three best friends from childhood, one of which was my "girlfriend" in the puppy love kind of way, had to "go away" (I may post something about that later... it was a legal/family/sexual issue with their dad{if that makes scene}).

Now, suddenly I'm close to someone again, after 8-10 years of emotionally pushing everyone away, and I'm just too attached to her. But I still love her - first as a person, and then for the attention. I don't really want a lot of attention anyway. Like I said in the first post, It doesn't take much to make me happy. Just one day a week of just me and her hanging out before school, relatively alone, and I would be fine. I'm not asking for too much (at least, it doesn't seem like too much to me...)

I said I would post about what happened to my three friends from "back in the day", so here it goes...

The three friends where all brother and sister. The one boy and one of the girls where twins, and slightly younger then me. The other girl was a year or so older then the twins. I had known them almost from birth, and we where best friends for all that time.

Then, when I was about 6-8 (Can't really remember the details about when or if any more happened) it came 'out of the closet' that their dad had been taking nude pictures of them and putting them online. He threatened them, said if they told anyone he would kill their mom. I don't know how long that was going on, or how the police found out (I haven't really talked about it with anyone who would know what happened), but the dad ended up in jail. He got three concecutive lifers, each w/o parrol. Still, the mom didn't feel safe, so they moved and I haven't seen them scence.

My mom still hears from theirs from time to time (once or twice a year) so we know how they are doing, and it's not well. The boy was always alirgic to anything it's posable to be alirgic to. He's been in New York (We're from NC and I'm sure they are still, at least, in a bordering state.) for 'Extreme Acting Out': cussing out and yelling at people for no reason, throwing stuff, etc; and for attempted suicide.
The younger girl (my puppy love 'girlfriend' from the time) now has an eating disorder, and she's already thin as pice of straw. She was caught shoplifting too. One of the two (can't remember which) has been in trouble for drug abuse, as well.
The older girl is the only one who turned out half-way decent. Now, though, she's been having problems of her own.

So, that's it. And (just so you know the whole scope of my childhood) a year before that, my dad killed himself (he was sick, and there was little or no hope of him getting better). And a year before THAT, my older brother, who was mentealy retarded, died.

All of that stuff put together is why, I think, I used to be a cynic (still am, though not as much). Then, SHE came along, and helped renew my childhood love of life. So, that's why I'm so attached to her. There it is. That's the story...