Guy Friends

I need help. I have a problem that has been plaguing me for as long as I can remember. Now that I just graduated college and have entered the professional world (5 weeks in) I have been forced to deal with it on a daily basis.

I don't even know where to start.

My problem is when it comes to relationships with other peers - males to be specific. I can't seem to culture the "chummy" friendship that all the guys I see around me have. I feel like a loner, an outcast. I suppose my being homeschooled all my life, being forced to move 15 times while growing up, and also having an girlish first name doesn't help. Despite all that, I feel I've adjusted pretty well - except when it comes to my relationships with other guys.

A couple days ago a guy I work with jokingly said he wasn't going to accept my friend request in this video game (I know this sounds kinda childish). And I got serious and responded, "Fine, then I won't send you a friend request". This was over instant messanger. He also was sitting right near me. When he received my message he laughed a little to himself and said out loud "delete".

I guess you could say I'm too serious. When the guys are joking around, if a joke about me is thrown my way, I get very self-conscious and make stupid responses.

I know it's all a game, and to get along you need to roll with the punches so to speak and not take things so literally, but I just can't seem to internalize it so that I feel normal about it.

Then again, I feel like I'm targeted with jokes a little more than most other guys. This I think, is due to my not being part of the "group". I just feel different from everyone. As a result, I don't really have any friends.

Making it even worse, many of the people I work with have come from well-to-do families, were in fraternities and sororities in college, and have that general air of "I'm better than thou" around them...or so I perceive. Perhaps my slightly (maybe more) low sense of self-esteem/self-worth is causing me to look at them like that.

I suppose this would be a lot easier to discuss with a counselor in person. But, I just thought I'd like to get a couple other male's opinions on this.

Welcome krunke. I, like you, have had a "girly" first name. It was Shannon. However, when I was six, and adopted, it was changed to a masculine name. Even my own biological parents thought that I was going to be a girl and dressed me in pink baby clothes. Anyway, being that I am a musician, actor, poet, and artist, it appears as though I am not a "real man." However, I look like an NFL tight end. I'm very athletic, so it helped the "macho jock" image a bit. I still chose music over football because that is where my heart resides. I have overcome a lot in my life and have been through many tough times, staying strong. I believe I am a "man's man."

Hello. I'm not a male...but what you were describing is not too far off from what I am somewhat like. I get upset over some just "jokes" because I tend to take them seriously. Either that or I am unsure if they are just jokes or not and I feel offended. I have been called "too serious" by some people over the net. You know, sometimes it is very difficult to know people's feelings behind words you see written on a screen. When you can't hear how the person is saying the words, you don't know exactly how they mean it. I probably would have gotten upset over that IM too!

I know it's all a game, and to get along you need to roll with the punches so to speak and not take things so literally, but I just can't seem to internalize it so that I feel normal about it.

Ha! Me too! You know, I think everyone takes things at different levels of seriousness - some take things more seriously and some take everything as a joke...and anywhere in between. It just depends on the type of person you are. What I have done is when I try to tell myself that the person could be joking and then I ask them...are yo serious or joking? I find that stopping myself from reacting too hard too quickly helps. But I, like you, can't seem to make myself believe that every time something like that happens, that the person is only joking. But I mainly like to avoid conflicts. I also try to make myself believe that it was only a joke. It takes a while, but it does work once in a while. But the main thing I hate is getting into stupid conflicts with people over just "jokes". So, dude! I know exaclty how you feel! I mean, when I was reading your post, I thought wow! This describes me! You don't have to feel alone!

What I would suggest is when you feel offended, just hold back on saying anything for 10 seconds, then calmly ask the person "Are you serious or just joking?" It's hard to do...I know and I am still working on it myself. But when I am able to do it, it really helps avoid conflicts. *hugs!* and if you don't have many friends, you can be my friend! I'm already happy that I found someone who feels the same way I do!

when you're a kid living at home - you have less options and less responsibilities as a result of less options about who you play with, hang out with, where you go, what you do, etc.

So you don't really choose your friends as a kid - your parents choose your options on what you do, where you go, etc....and you will gravitate towards the kids in those locations and environments that share your perception of fun or of the situation at hand.

As an adult...you're now having to decide where you go, what you do and those decisions are going to determine the type of people you run into as a rule. Work environment falls out of that reality.

But most people find commonality in whatever in life interests them, at least semi-passionately. If you're into playing sports - you're going to find you share more of the same priorities and perspectives iwth others that love sports participation, for example.

When you're into "nothing" - it's very hard on your side for you to find a relational data base to involve with people. Yu're just wanting their approval and attention...and unless you're doing something that benefits, gratifies, entertains, or upsets them - they're going to ignore you. You don't share much in common - in terms of life goals, shared interests.

if you'd go out and find out what interests and appeals to you as a person..not as someone's son, someone's employee...you'd find yoruself having more substance, as well as more confidence. That would give other people teh ability to relate to you better.

Rightnow - you're standing around waiting to be included...and if they include you as they understand social interaction, like the joking, you're not comfortable with that because you really want their attention and iclusion to make you comfortable with yourself..and that won't happen.

Excalibur wrote:But most people find commonality in whatever in life interests them, at least semi-passionately. If you're into playing sports - you're going to find you share more of the same priorities and perspectives iwth others that love sports participation, for example.

When you're into "nothing" - it's very hard on your side for you to find a relational data base to involve with people. Yu're just wanting their approval and attention...and unless you're doing something that benefits, gratifies, entertains, or upsets them - they're going to ignore you. You don't share much in common - in terms of life goals, shared interests.

if you'd go out and find out what interests and appeals to you as a person..not as someone's son, someone's employee...you'd find yoruself having more substance, as well as more confidence. That would give other people teh ability to relate to you better.

Rightnow - you're standing around waiting to be included...and if they include you as they understand social interaction, like the joking, you're not comfortable with that because you really want their attention and iclusion to make you comfortable with yourself..and that won't happen.

Wow, I think that about hits the nail right on the head.

Well, I have developed myself in terms of finding interestes in life. Unfortunately, what appeals to me, isn't what really appeals to the mainstream. Almost all the guys (and yes, even girls) at work are interested in basketball. As much as I'd like to enjoy it, I don't. What sucks even more, I don't really care for any organized sports except for mixed martial arts (think UFC). I do like exercising though. That is one thing I've been able to connect with some people on.

Being by myself so much of my life, I've played tons of video games. Unfortunately, that's not a huge feather in my cap so to speak, but at least it's SOMETHIGN.

I think my biggest problem is with integrating HUMOR into my persona. I'm a pretty laid back guy and enjoy humor. I'm just not that good with the back and forth, light wit that almost everyone around me is so capable of.

I looked up humor on wikipedia, and a couple sentences struck a note with me:

"Humour can occur when an alternative or surprising shift in perception or answer is given, that still shows relevance and can explain a situation. "

and

"...humour results when two different frames of reference are set up and a collision is engineered between them."

As cyborg-esq as it sounds, I want to assimilate those concepts into my identity.

I do know that the neurotransmitter Dopamine is largely responsible for our imagination (i.e. humor). People who suffer from depression will have a low amount of Dopamine, whereas people suffering from scitzophrenia(sp) have high amounts.

The reason I bring this up is because for a good year in my younger days, I took MDMA, AKA ecstasy almost every weekend. I wonder if perhaps that has permanently effected my neurochemistry, and thus, caused or aggrevated my difficulties.

Any ideas on where to start?