Mother Figure Obsession

I have this too and so does my sister. I am the same, have achieved plenty and appear to have a normal functioning life but I crave a mother. I want someone who will hold me and just love me. I think it started in year 3 when i kept playing up in class to get the female teachers attention and even when she was on yard duty, I would kick balls at her from a long way away. Maybe it started in reception when I also used to play up. I remember quite clearly when we used to go stay in the caravan park over the holidays, I was probably 13, that I really liked the lady who ran the caravan park, I remember asking my real mum about her. It has continued throughout my life. When I was 25 & went to uni, I wanted a female lecturer to love me, when I didn't get her attention in class or feel like she had treated me special or their was no connection, I would be heartbroken and usually travel home in tears. I realise this is unhealthy and I wish I didn't feel this, but it is something deep inside, its a natural need. No one ever knows I have these feelings, I try to hide them, perhaps I even come off aloof. I have started going to uni again & it is happening all the time to me. Always with someone older generally, the librarians, my tutors, topic coordinators, even people I meet briefly at events, friends of friends, etc, I just want too feel their love. I feel like a kid in some ways, like I haven't developed properly emotionally. My mum now would appear to have narcissistic qualities, nothing she does is ever wrong, she never makes a effort to visit us etc, says she loves me but shows no actions to support this. Both my parents growing up never used to allow us to friends houses or on school camps, everything was always no but we never had the option of saying no to what they wanted, otherwise we got a thrashing. The last time, & probably the worst time (I remember) my dad abusing me was when i disagreed with him about something, i knew he was angry and wanted to hit me, at some point you get sick of not speaking out and don't care about the consequences. So i said 'come on dad you know you want to hit me' so he did, I was knocked to the floor and he repeatedly kicked and punched me, pulled out my hair and gave me a black eye. I was 21. I refused to cry, to admit he had won. Apparently my mum was worse then this but I don't remember. This i feel is normal, I could deal with it, perhaps because it was fairly normal to have the polypipe or wooden cane after us. I know it is not normal and is never acceptable but it felt normal for me. I don't even care about this, I just want to fill this hole inside of me. Today has been horrible for me, I received a uni grade back that I was far from happy with (still a credit) because I put in so much effort and it is so disheartening. Anyway the tutor I had for this subject is absolutely incredible, I want her to be my mother, I admire her, I learnt so much in her classes, she seems to have so much time to help, she helped me out so much whenever I emailed about my assignment and even met to discuss it with me, I want to have her support and share personal achievements with her, like a recent job I got, I could learn so much from her, I respect her and want to be like her. Sometimes I have wondered if I am bisexual but I don't think I could imagine doing anything sexual with a female, its just that I want their love and attention and perhaps to get this we are willing to cross a line. How far are we prepared to go to fill a deep inner need?

I just don't know what to do! Maybe I don't love myself, maybe thats why I find it hard to commit to a relationship, only seem to be drawn to the guys who use me and then the 'nice guys' I don't want.