Christmas Pains with Toxic People

Okay, I just got back from christmas with the parents and, as expected, it was hell. I’ve become more and more aware of how seriously damaging of an impact they have on me. Here’s a quick run down of the physiological things that happen to me in their presence:

Difficulty Breathing -- from about 7-10 I had breathing difficulties, to such an extreme that I had to get medicated, but whenever I was away from biological family, the breathing difficulties stopped. What prevented me from realizing that they were causing my tightness in the chest was that they’d employ hurt and rescue techniques. They’d so stuff so insulting and hurtful and then they’d “act cocnerned” about my breathing.

Bed-wetting -- I wet the bed until about age 20. Everytime I went away on a trip and was away from them, however, I was fun. Again, their toxic presence --things they said, things they didn’t say -- caused me physiological difficulties. My entire body was trying to tell me that being around them is harmful.

Diarrhea -- Yes, I got this this christmas (crapola, what a “christmas present”) because things my biological family does and says just screws with my digestive system it’s so emotionally unpleasing.

Unpleasant emotions -- anger, resentment, and feelings of worthlessness all arise in teh presence of my biological family (namely my brother and father) on a consistent basis.

I’ve realized I can choose to stay away from those toxic people and don’t have to share parts of my life with them (which is just giving them ammunition to hurt me, really, especially, my brother).


Remarkably helpful. Toxic people (like jsk and tdk) make you feel:
emotionally drained (YES!)
ALWAYS feel resentment towards them (YES!)
you dislike who you are around them (somewhat!)
They consistently trigger anger in you (YES!)



NEVER confide in them (give them ZERO information about your life).
This limits the amount they can hurt you, if you fail in #2.
Don’t make personal sacrifices to them please them
This limits the amount of time you interact with them, hopefully to 0.

Ways, I’ve personally violated those two rules. 1. I made the personal sacrifice of going to xmas with

oh my god I’m over joyed! this makes so much sense! The enclave woman was not toxic. she was uplifting. Breck uplifting. most people are toxic. That’s so brilliant! Living in chicago right now is a personal sacrifice to please them. This whole past year has been a personal sacrifice. I’ve sacrificed TONS of my life. Flying back to chicago was a way to sacrifice myself agian again. Not taking the car to walla walla was a personal sacrifice.

I should develop a metric for determining if someone is toxic.
If ( in their presence, consistently, feel anger, worthless, drained, perpetual resentment towards them)
cut off all communication; never confide in them;
don’t make personal sacrifices by disregarding what pleases them or displeases them


I need to focus myself from doing #2 and and 1 with toxic people. Additionally focus on NOT being toxic.

There are three types of people in teh world, toxic, neutral, and uplifting.
Examples of toxic
Examples of neutral
Examples of uplifting

Hi Kooz,

Sorry the home visit was less than idyllic, but I am glad you realize the dyamics and how to avoid the long lasting effects.

My favorite dysfunctional family holiday movie is Home for the Hollidays. It makes me feel slightly better about my own familial zoon.

Liked you website.

Take care,

N.

nymenche wrote:Hi Kooz,

Sorry the home visit was less than idyllic, but I am glad you realize the dyamics and how to avoid the long lasting effects.

My favorite dysfunctional family holiday movie is Home for the Hollidays. It makes me feel slightly better about my own familial zoon.

Liked you website.

Take care,

N.

Hey Nymenche,

Thanks for the compliment on the website; that means a lot.

Yes even though it was less than idyllic, it was an invaluable learning lesson in dealing with toxic people and focusing on engaging the uplifting people.

I got a kick out of "Home Alone" as a funny holiday movie. The kid "emotionally left home alone" by some parents! haha.

Actually, it wasn't "that" bad. I think one thing that made it simultaneously difficult and easier was that I'm transitioning to realizing that "home" no longer is defined as "chicago" or "my parents house". That made it simultaneously easier (more space) and difficult (because I have yet to solidify my actual "home" space). So it's getting there!

Hey Kooz - you sure you didn't spend the holidays with MY family?

No seriously bro, I know exactly what you mean. Whenever I visit with my parents I get monster headaches from tensing my neck and shoulders and grinding my teeth. I never eat anything because my stomach seizes up and I either get consitpated or diarrhea. Most of the time I'm obsessing about either stabbing my mother in the throat with my fork or sticking my head in the oven. Home for the holidays is just way too TOXIC.

I haven't done a holiday with my folks in over 3 years, and I don't talk to my mom at all anymore (going on 2.5 years now). It's amazing how much better you feel when you can avoid as many toxic people as possible. ((((HUGS))))

I'm so stoked and HONORED to ahve cultivated this relationship with acting class that feels like family! Yeah there's the joys and talents and loving exchanges, but also the diarrhea and teethgrinding occasioanlly, too. It feels great, strangely, to have a few teachers that know you so wel lthat tehy can get under your skin like family. Like a 2nd home, but chock full of hte most talented, intelligent actor people ever!