Family and Psychiatric Label Preserving Image

I just got some messages from my parents and realized a few things. I wanted to run them by you to hear your thoughts. As always SO grateful for your wisdom, guidance, and sincerity.

This stuff is WAY FAR advanced beyond my parents comprehension. Unfortuantely, they wouldn't understand it if I devoted 2 years to explain it to them, but it's what's going on:

By labeling me with bipolar disorder timb defends himself from what I don't understand.
Timb labeling me (his son) with a bipolar disorder simply functions as a self-defense mechanism to compartmentalize what he doesn't understand. A shrink was hired by Timb not me (I had NO choice in picking the psychiatrist and in the ENTIRE four months, the shrink never listened to me and just fed me what my parents presupposed him to say: that I had a problem (when I didn't. If I had a problem, I would have CHOSEN to go to a shrink!), to take the evidence (of kooz rants, of your criticism) help prove that ego self-defense mechanism for your mental well-being. Timb paid a shrink $3000 to bolster and support an emotional necessity. He needed a professional to say that his son had a disorder so he could blame the fights between he and I the fights between me and you were not because of Timb, but because of his son's psychological depravity. Again, Timb had an emotional necessity to preserve his image as a "non-belligerant" non-fighting father. Remember, Timb's childhood was wrought with fighting, screaming parents, so he designed his family not contain any of that fighting. When I got into fights with him, he needed to preserve his "dream family image" and he did that by negating me with a disorder and bribing a psychiatrist for $3000 to solidify that erroneous label of having a bipolar disorder. It's a win situation for the shrink (he's up 3 grand) and a win situation with Timb, he can say "The fighting wasn't because of ME, it was ALL about John and John's "brokenness". So the shrink makes money, and my parents can glaze over the fighting without righteously realizing they're part of the problem.. I'm incredibly intellectually and emotionally intelligent, so I, of course, will always understand that I do NOT have any psychiatric disorders, but I'll let my father believe that I do because it makes him feel superficially happy ("preserving his non-fighting family image"). I've tried to have him indulge in his actual feelings, but he doesn't want to, so it's superficial and not a thorough cure for him, but it temporarily makes my parents feel at peace and I they won't let me try to help them, so allowing them to hold these incorrect beliefs that I have a disorder is the best I can do! You believe in yourself.


Also, I just wanted to add in some afterthoughts. What this does for, the only problem it creates are problems of reputation. This whole schpiel of my parents hiding behind a bribed psychiatrist and a false diagnosis slaughters my reputation. So I end up having to live with a few close family members believing things about me that I totally do not believe. How do I do that? I'm fine with those contradicting beliefs. This is GREAT!! It's forcing to realize with absolute certainty that I cannot control other people's thoughts. IF someone thinks one thing and I believe something different, no matter how strongly I exert myself, I can't change their belief!

Also, If I get defiant and blatantly say to my parents what I understand and believe (what is true) that I don't have bipolar disorder, they don't get what they want and they'll create another problem for me! I have to let my parents fill in the blanks and believe what they want!

This is VERY good stuff!

My Second big concern his how do I interact or NOT interact with these types of people (who believe I have a disorder). It makes conversations about them VERY problematic and full of "bombs" because if I say I don't have a disorder, then they're unprotected. So I have to let them believe whatever they want to believe because convincing them otherwise would mean they'd actually have to address all of their psychological disarray, repressed emotions, and suppressed desires. That said, I don't really see a way to interact with those types of people. Wouldn't that be like a jew trying to befriend an active Nazi? This sounds extreme, but it really is not different from what my parents and some other people believe. I mean nazis persecute Jews and think Jews are inferior and have a problem. Would then the Jew go up to the Nazi and try to befriend the Nazi (and the jew knows there's nothing wrong with himself, but because of his accusation, there certainly is something wrong with the Nazi)? That would be ridiculous! But I feel I'm pressured to act as the persecuted Jew befriending the Nazi. That....really....doesn't work. If I tell the Nazi that I don't have a problem, that just enrages him to attack me more, but if I let the Nazi believe whatever he/she wants, and simply don't interact with the Nazi, then the Nazi doesn't attack me and and the only thing that's hurt, really, is reputation!

Cool stuff.

See my mom is psychologically healthy (in some respects). She's focused on my future, suggesting I pursue some studies. My father is focused on me having a problem. My father will only feel satisfied in his life if I have a problem. From birth to 12 it was bed-wetting (he was overjoyed taking me to doctors and urologists to try to solve the problem. Then he took me to shrinks to work out my nervousness in school. Then from 19 to 23 he relished in trying to fix my "bipolar disorder". If he becomes convinced that I don't have bipolar disorder, then he'll fabricate a new disorder. The only way he'll feel satisfied about his own life is if his eldest son has some psychological disorder!

I just got this message from my father and the response I felt like writing (but didn't send to him, because I fear he'll cut off financial ties. Keeping financial ties allows him to use me as an emotional punching bag. This paragraph he wrote shows how important it is for him for me to have bipolar disorder. It protects his image! I was shocked at seeing how blatant this underlying agenda of his was. It's hysterical how much effort my dad put into trying to convince himself that I have a disorder. I can only really consider this is "evil, but mostly sad" on his part :

I'd love to consider to have you work some at K&A. But, I don't think an "office job" would work for you now. It is very difficult for you to sit down rather than stand, to stay focused on an issue or task, and talk and interact in a way that is balanced and two-way. This is not a criticism at all; rather just a factor of bi-polar disorder. I happen to think that you have done an amazing job of coping and balancing your life as well as you have given that you are not taking any medication. It is of course admirable that you are living with this genetic illness and doing as well as you are. I respect that and while I wish there was something I could do to help you, as you have told many times, I can't.

Here's what he implied here. the sick, twisted, abusive ###$:.
1. He implied that I actually have a desire to work in his puny, pathetic joke of an office. I don't want to work in K&A! I feel sorry for all those waste of life losers that mooch money of you so they can click on powerpoint buttons and pretend that they're getting results in focus groups. His entire business is a sham, a hollow, invalid profession, He's suffering from a delusion thinking that I'd actually want to work there. I don't! I only want to earn some money and that would be a temporary (unsatisfying) method.

2. His entire argument is loaded with some of the most viciously aggressive and vile and nasty insults, hidden as implications. By saying:

It is of course admirable that you are living with this genetic illness and doing as well as you are.

I happen to think that you have done an amazing job of coping and balancing your life as well as you have given that you are not taking any medication.

3. He imply that all my success is just "luck" that happened in the midst of coping with a bipolar disorder. He's implying "you have to try extra hard to do the simple things in life" and by not medication, you only accomplished your successes out of luck . Timb is vile and cruel! Listen to the implications, here! This guy is terrible!

4. That I have a genetic disorder. Do you see how much CLINGING he's doing for me to have a disorder? Me having a disorder is so essential to his survival, that he's now saying that the argument isn't opinion, it's no longer a doctor's diagnosis, but simply a genetic fact. His image is really letting a blood-curdling plea with this one.

It is of course admirable that you are living with this genetic illness and doing as well as you are.
He implies that I'm incapacitated with a diagnosis. Not only does this limit my growth, it hurts the soul. Thousands of studies have been done on the effect of placebo belief. Cancer patients who believed their cure (which was just water) was effective, had their cancer instantly dissolve. So Timb limits growth, imprisons the soul and dishonors the power of belief. Timb is a disgusting vile, twisted vermin. He's worse than the inner critic. My own inner critic couldn't create such viciousness.

If I can't say these things to these people (or else they'll pull the financial plug), I'm just an emotional punching bag to them. So much of his well-being is based on the existence (false existence) of me having a disorder.

What do I say to someone this evil? What do I about this?

He's a sick ######6 @@@@@@@. He's a disgusting blob of amorphorous mass who's done nothing in terms of identifying his own emotions. He has the emotional growth of a 4 year-old. He's a moron, a dolt, a frightened child who can only thrive by labeling people with disorders. He's never experienced an inkling of heroicism in his life. He's the ultimate incapable; the person who never lives. This is why I hate Timb. Ezra supports Timb, so this is why I hate my parents -- they purposefully limit my beliefs; they use dark magic (life the above type of presuppositiosn) to fabricate limiting self-concepts. All of the bullies I've ever had in my youth are simply manifestations, projections, of what I've always felt about my father, but was too afraid to convey. My father is worse than alex ekman; he's more twisted than breck; he's more repulsive than Mrs. Barth. Those three people are examples of a smidgen of how abusive Timb is, and has always been, my entire life. Everything is so clear now. All of my outbursts of hatred towards Timb:

1. Yelling I hate you to him
2. Telling him to get a divorce with mom
3. Writing such vile comments towards him


Were all reactions (That I buried) because of the emotional abuse he delivers. in the form of:

1. Denying his abusive tendencies (this one is huge because I then doubt that the source of my anger is him).
2. Ridiculing my dreams (especially, pinpointing my greatest dreams, women and surfing). He asked what are your passions, and I said communications, surfing, and women, and said the last two were not acceptable. He also 2-3 times tried to convince me that I wouldn't be happy surfing. He's the bum on the side of the green that tries to convince Tiger Woods that Tiger doesn't like golf
3. Labelling me with disorders.
4. Timb is a sick, twisted, vile demon-troll being.


1. The severe fear of dealing with your repressed emotions


Correct me if I'm wrong, but last time I checked, saying that I (someone who has great ambitions in interaction and communcaiton) don't have the capacity to balance and can't interact with two-way communication sounds like an enormous HUGE insult!

What would you feel if you knew that I was on 3mg of Lithium and 25mg of Risperdal 2x/day, but very depressed? What wouldn't you feel anymore if I was healed?

Some interesting questions I could ask him:

1. Whom are you trying to convince of me having bipolar disorder? You or me?
2. What wouldn't you feel any more if 3 top psychiatrists discovered that I had been totally, permanently cured of bipolar disorder and would exhibit no more sympTimbs of it?
3. I understand.
4. Why should I waste my time arguing someone who's trying to convince me of being deprived, possessing an incapacitating disorder, and who's trying to convince me that I have a problem that's in my DNA (of which I have no control over)?
5. Why should I give someone the privilege of my company who deeply tries to severely attack me and make me feel as though I have a limited belief.
6. You're honestly one of the smartest, most persuasive and influential people I know! Do you employ that intelligence and persuasion in ways other than business?

I think I'm reaching an appearance of a stop-loss. I think my father has been insulting me this way, for a LONG time. He uses black magic language to make people feel hurt and deprived. If I called him on all of this, would I feel better? The problem is I feel like I need to say those 6 things, but I don't because the my dad will stop financially supporting me. This is the deduction on the general belief of the "disgusting vile rope" of my parents. It's so disgusting because Timb tries to limit my world, limit my beliefs, from things that I want to create and believe.

Maybe I could tell this:

I can't have an egalitarian conversation with you about our strong disagreements on bipolar disorder, about genetic diseases, about medicine, about his life, and about my choices because my sole source of financial survival is you.


--
- - -
John K
"Validity inspires from within."
www.validatelife.com

Hey Kooz - your dad's an ass and it definitely sounds as if he has a lot invested in your "disorder". He sounds like he has some destructive narcissistic behaviors and he can't admit that some of your problems might have to do with him being a #######5 parent.

How to deal with it? Blow him off... seriously he's an idiot. If you decouple your emotional state from his state of denial and abuse you'll feel better about yourself. It's a hard thing to do, but I'm sure with your intelligence and dedication (and your ever annoying positive attitude ) you can divorce yourself from his liturgy of nonsense. When you can disengage, you strip your abusive parent(s) of all their power over you... stop arguing, stop trying to prove that you're right and just ignore them. Let them believe whatever they want if it helps them sleep at night because they will certainly never accept your truth, so why waste the energy!! Minimize all contact, don't tell them anything personal, and repeat to yourself "My father is about as enlightened as a shaved baboon." whenever he starts in on one of his "superior than thou" tirades.

Chin up little bro.

plicketycat wrote:Hey Kooz - your dad's an ass

Thanks plick,
this means an incredible amount to me hearing that. My father (through his bullying, hurt-and-rescue, and manipulation tactics) spends alot of time creating the image that he's some loving, caring guy, so few people I tell about the emotional abusive bullying actually see the experience from my shoes. I've felt like I get punched in the stomach repeatedly and know one beleives that I keep getting punched in the stomach. So to hear you (anyone) say that "your dad's an ass for that bullying" means a lot! That's very emotionally validating and encouraging to continue to increase my awareness of what I've endured. You have no idea (well, actually maybe you do, but I feel very alone with this) to experience this emotionally abusive brutatality but then have to 1)act like it didnt' happen 2)receive know acknowledgement from other people that my father's a bully and 3)just stand around and wait for him to try to make me feel like $#%^ again.

This sounds ridiculous, but I'd do nearly anything to get financial independence so I could leave and never have to interact with him again. I can't even express my own feelings towards him. This situation is so ###$! It's like the bully at school that beats you up, also buys you lunch and if you don't be nice to him while he's beating you up, you'll starve to death.

Of course, if I some how learn how to make a living and overcome the limiting belief that I can financially support myself, I'll be able to feel my own emotions, extricate myself from my ass of a father and start my life.

and it definitely sounds as if he has a lot invested in your "disorder". He sounds like he has some destructive narcissistic behaviors and he can't admit that some of your problems might have to do with him being a #######5 parent.

Man, in addition to total financial independence (and being able to surf regularly in great waters), I wish I could meet some of hte people on this board in person. You've been SO helpful. and For some reason it seems very difficult to meet as helpful and genuine people in real-life.

Lol! that makes me very happy someone (for the first time -- ever?) standing up for me in regards to an issue with my parents. That feels so helpful and nourishing to hear someone else say exactly what I feel and believe (my father's imperious and arrogant attitude denies him of seeing himself for what he really is -- a truly #######5 parent). The strange thing is that I've been given so little "emotionally breathing room" with him desiring to "look like" a good parent, that I've never really been able to evaluate him as a parent before. I don't think he could have done a worse job if he tried. In addition to all the reasons I listed above.

Funny thing, he repeatedly blurts out things like "I''m a good parent". Who is he trying to convince -- him or me?? You're totally right! He's so narcissistic that he can't see how truly great of a dishonor he's done his kids and what a worthless parent he's been (aside from finances, the only thing he's provided -- which considering, emotional guidance, joy, interaction, etc. -- is a very small piece of the parental pie). But the WORST part of all this is that I actually have to go on pretending (and even temporarily) convincing myself that he WAS "okay" and not so bad because if I say and feel what I really believe (his narcissism, his bullying -- the truth), then I know he'll cut the financial umbilical cord. I wanted to ask him this, but haven't :

You do realize that you mentioned the topic of "a bipolar disorder" for six paragraphs in your

As we all know:
Do you think we can have an egalitarian conversation about bipolar disorder, about my genetic differences , about medicine, about your life, and about my choices with me knowing that my sole source of financial survival is you and that you could pull cut the financial umbilical cord at any time leaving me to die? I don't think I'd be facetious about that concern.

But the biggest questions are this: "What makes you think that I actually believe I have a problem so terrible and life-limiting that I'd actually need to get doped up on drugs like Mirapex, Zyprexa, Lithium or Abilify to solve it. That said, which of those do you think offers the best long-term solutions? Your personal opinion. Abilify offers a nice balance of neutransmitter mono-amine control without warping the potassium levels too much, don't you think? Given all your Oprah-watching and Book-reading, you should be very versed in medications, right?

Finally, I don't mind you blowing noxious gas in my face, but just don't try to convince me that it's a gentle summer breeze.

Would me not having some disorder be a problem for you?


I'm trying to mock him, but I'm just enraged and worse of all, I feel trapped! I feel financially locked into this emotional bully he calls himself "my father". I think he wants me to go pouting to him to say I have a disorder so that he can get the joy of "fixing me" to fulfill the realizaitons of his poor parenting he's probably (should be) having. This is the similarity to MBPS, but few people saw that.

I just want OUT! I don't want to see that person and interact with him anymore. He's a loser and emotionally abusive, but I'm trapped! I don't mind seeing my brothers at all, they're awesome.

Here's an example of his loaded jargon: he insults me, tells me I have disorders I don't have, that I need to get drugged up, that my success has just been luck but then he interjects "he loves me". He doesn't know what love is: he's too pathetic.

Now, I bet by now you are ready to delete this email and get mad, etc. I am not trying to mess with your mind, cause some parent-child dependency, make you feel less confident, or any other idea that you might misconstrue about me. I love you very much. Period. That means I care about you very much too. I have said thousands of times that I want you to be independent, confident, doing your own thing, and happy. That can not happen unless you decide that first you have bi-polar disorder, and second that you are willing to treat it with a program of medication.

Whatever he denies is EXACTLY what he's doing. That's what bullies do. fAnyways, the worst part about all this


How to deal with it? Blow him off... seriously he's an idiot. If you decouple your emotional state from his state of denial and abuse you'll feel better about yourself. It's a hard thing to do, but I'm sure with your intelligence and dedication (and your ever annoying positive attitude ) you can divorce yourself from his liturgy of nonsense. When you can disengage, you strip your abusive parent(s) of all their power over you... stop arguing, stop trying to prove that you're right and just ignore them. Let them believe whatever they want if it helps them sleep at night because they will certainly never accept your truth, so why waste the energy!! Minimize all contact, don't tell them anything personal, and repeat to yourself "My father is about as enlightened as a shaved baboon." whenever he starts in on one of his "superior than thou" tirades.

Chin up little bro.

Man, your response (not unlike many of Puma's) made me feel so good I want to keep it an continually reread it!

But one problem, I feel like if I "blow him off and just ditch him" -- which I want to and need to do, I can't do that because I'm still financially linked to him. It's shocking how "healthy of a relationship they think I have with them -- despite all the fighting" and how much I'm concealing from him about how much of a dolt he is because of fear of financial abandonment.

You're so right! All of his bullying is aimed at trying to trigger an argument in me. He feels in control that way, he still feels that I care about him enough to argue with him? Why else would he put SOOO much time into trying to infuriate me: he's happy when I'm arguing with him. You're so right! I should just ignore them, and just say neutral, bland weather talk. But then, I've noticed, he says MORE hurtful things. My father is a child,really, he throws tantrums when he doesn't get the attention he wants. He's just a revolting idiot loser! I want to learn his persuasion skills, but use them to convince people of their strengths, not weaknesses! You're right, you're in control when you choose to ignore. Resistnace via arguing just creates power and my dad (the moron) buys into the whole illusion of power (which totally doesn't exist).

I wish I could be authentic and just tell them to ###$ off, but I can't untill I'm fully financially independent. I still feel like I ahve to completely bury my true feelings and even tell them that they're "swell parents" when I feel like they're abominable, becuase of the financial independence. ###$~~~!!! I've tried everything I can think of to get out of that trap, but haven't discovered a way yet!

How to deal with it? Blow him off... seriously he's an idiot. If you decouple your emotional state from his state of denial and abuse you'll feel better about yourself. It's a hard thing to do, but I'm sure with your intelligence and dedication (and your ever annoying positive attitude Laughing ) you can divorce yourself from his liturgy of nonsense. When you can disengage, you strip your abusive parent(s) of all their power over you... stop arguing, stop trying to prove that you're right and just ignore them. Let them believe whatever they want if it helps them sleep at night because they will certainly never accept your truth, so why waste the energy!! Minimize all contact, don't tell them anything personal, and repeat to yourself "My father is about as enlightened as a shaved baboon." whenever he starts in on one of his "superior than thou" tirades.

Oh man! This is brilliant plick. Youre "shaved baboon" mantra will keep me laughing at my parents, instead of becoming infuriated. My father is more enlightened than a shaved baboon. Brilliant! However, I'm concerned they'll realize that I don't care about them, if I disengage (which is the truth -- how could you care about a bully). That's so true! It used to feel fear and I used to feel infuriation with his "shaved baboon totally idiotic" state. But I now I should jsut recognize it for what it is -- some stupid primate! I would be and idiot if I got riled up by some huge primate! What makes this difficult is I pick up on how much attention he does want in the "shaved baboon state" so I pity him. So in addition to not feeling infuriation and fear, I also musn't feel pity nor concern. I should just look at the "amusing baboon state" as an "amusing little farce three stooges show" or something!

I printed out your response and will constantly review it!

Here's something interesting: if you're aware that someone is actively trying to change you, you'll likely change. Because your cognizant of that.

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As always, I'm glad that my anti-conformity views have helped you and that you have been emotioanlly validated, because that the most important thing when you're a survivor of childhood abuse (especially if your parent(s) abusive behavior is still happening). The weirdest thing about emotional/mental abuse is that almost no one else sees it... because they only see your dad when he's on his best behavior and they don't spend enough time with him to notice his behaviors are erratic and abusive. It's true that trying to divorce yourself from someone you are still partially dependent on can be tough... but you can always do it in your head without actually telling them to got to hell. Set your mind to becoming financially independent (even if you have to do something you don't enjoy for a while)... then you can say or do whatever you feel is necessary to ensure your emotional safety.

That quote was interesting "if you're aware that someone is actively trying to change you, you'll likely change. Because your cognizant of that." I would definitely say that if any change was going to occur in me, it certainly wouldn't be the change they were trying to achieve.... but I'm stubborn that way .

I drove 2000 to CA. I'm living in LA. I just took acting classes in hollywood. My life is a dream!

but to respond from earlier...yes, emotional abuse can be brutal, cut and run from toxic emotional abuse immediately..drop it like it's hot!


also, recognizing people's agendas to change or to change you, gives you more control and choice.

kooz wrote:.....Bed-wetting -- I wet the bed until about age 20. Everytime I went away on a trip and was away from them, however, I was fun. Again, their toxic presence --things they said, things they didn't say -- caused me physiological difficulties. My entire body was trying to tell me that being around them is harmful..............Diarrhea -- Yes, I got this this christmas (crapola, what a "christmas present") because things my biological family does and says just screws with my digestive system it's so emotionally unpleasing.

Bed wetting has got to be rough -- I did that once when my folks sent me off to camp for 2 weeks, and relatively young. They did not offer the information prior which made my anxiety levels quite high. I always get super hyper before, during and after any 'parental alien' visit, which fortunately is only 3-4 times a year for 3 hours, since they're quite old now and live conveniently an hour or more away.

I'll answer the identical questions:

1. "Remarkably helpful. Toxic people (like jsk and tdk) make you feel: emotionally drained"..... Never fails

2. "ALWAYS feel resentment towards them"..... YES, and to myself!

3. "you dislike who you are around them"..... I dislike knowing we're related and low self-esteem is the byproduct.

4. "They consistently trigger anger in you"..... Yes, I'm basically an angry person with inconsistent unpredictable 'outbursts' of extreme highs and lows. A good portion of the time I have no feelings for others.

Hi Kooz,



I'm curious to know your thoughts about yourself. What you think is the truth about yourself. Do you think you may be bipolar? If not then what is it that is driving your father to these conclusions?

My opinion on this matter is that you do need to leave. However, I think from what you have stated so far you are currently unable to do that. Is he paying your way through school and you don't have a job?

I don't think your father is doing anything illegal, he's just being ignorant, but maybe when you go see your therapist explain to him/her that your father may not be the best support because it is causing distress in your life.