why can i not let go?

ok first off this is a friend im talking about not a bf....

i have one particular friend (well the closest i have to a friend) who is the only person that knows most of whats going on wit me....i seem to always turn to him when i get suicidal or despairing. he's helped me out in the past - nothing he's actually done but just being in his company has helped and prevented me going through with it.

i know ive let myself get too emotionally attached to him....i almost feel i need him to get through life now. but im pretty sure he hates me....or at least he is beginning to....this last month has been VERY difficult for me and ive contacted him a lot. he's getting pissed off at me now. when i phone him (even though im very distressed and upset) he'll sound pissed off. when i asked to see him he ignores me. i emailed him earlier to say i was sorry for being needy and other stuff but he's not replied even though i know he's read it. surely even if u hate a person, nobody would ignore someone when they tell you that they are close to ending it??

i asked him if he minded me telling him about this $#%^ in my life and he basically said yes - he said i should speak to a professional instead of him (which is true but he also knows im having great difficulty doing that and why should it be him or a professional? cant i tell both? it would be really helpful to have his help whilst i get proper help. i also asked if the choice was between me talking to him or nobody what would he prefer i do.....he chose nobody

i dont know what to do. i think this guy is amazing. i care about him so much but he keeps hurting me. (this is by no means the first time he's upset me). i know i should sop burdening him with my problems but i need somebody to know how i feel and he's the person i trust the most and feel the most comfortable telling.

sorry this is long but im stuck and would appreciate somebodys opinion on this. thanks

Leave him alone. Take his advice and go see a professional, or at the very least call a hotline when you're feeling desperate.

i am seeing several professionals though. and i do always try a bunch of other stuff before i phone him.....calling helplines, posting here, cutting (ok so thats not a good one but sometimes it helps), writing down how i feel......if it works great but only when all this stuff fails do i contact him

Ifonly, I think your friend might be scared of your pain. People don't want to deal with this stuff and it's easyer to just stay away or blame the person who's going through this. You don't need your friend if he can't handle all these emotions. I am sorry he can't help you and that he treats you this way.