Possible HPD still lingers on my mind after years. Help?

Hello 26M here.
Name's sheknows. I am writing this because some hand would be helpful here, and I know after reading a lot that you guys are very wise.

Firstly I want to tell my story which probably is quite lengthy. Please I advise you to be aware that I am not native speaker and my English is ''trying to improve'' at best so do not mind some of my mistakes while writing.

Well, I should give you a very good context to try to give you a solid background of my situation so you can at least grasp what is going on.

The Beginning

Well, it all started around 2016. I met a girl… We both were around 17 or so. I was quite shy, you usually ''reserved'' guy who can come off as extrovert inside his own group but when it comes to outsiders is quite reserved- I never had anything with any girl. I liked girls before, but I was too coward and when I was almost near something with a girl something happened and ruined my chances. (she lost interest or had boyfriend). So I meet this ''girl'' for the sake of understanding let's call her E. I met E, and first She was attractive to me and kinda mysterious but, I considered out of my league (important detail for the future). I kinda get close since we have eventually known mutual classmates until we somehow got into the same group of friends in our studies. So I had this girl who I seemed to like a bit within my group of friends (we were three guys and her). And here is where things started to get hard.
Unrequited Honey moon phase
Eventually, my feelings for her were increasing each day… Sometimes I discovered myself getting happy whenever I had a chance to talk to her, she added me on FB and I accidentally look at her profile more than what I am proud to say and well. I was expecting this to be another of my silly crushes that lead to nowhere, since what a girl like her would do with a boy like me? But I notice she was vibing me, I catch her staring back when sometimes in class I tried to look at her, I saw her staring at me when we were waiting for class. But a look that was like she was inspecting my whole body… Like she had this ''aha moment'' where she perfectly knew me. I don't know if this was my paranoia, but I eventually ask her politely to do not stare that long because I was clearly uncomfy. She eventually knew.. Someone leaked that info in our class. I liked her and i got my reply back not from her but from someone else. Obviously she did not like me! I was sad, but it was okay i guess. Thought that things were going to change, maybe she would be uncomfortable in our group.. I could just leave... if she feels that way.. She did not leave. In fact i felt she was closer to me. I cannot explain what happened but we started knowing eachother more, I chatted her for ours, she did so.. we create our own group together me and her inside our group of friends. We sort of became so close. She came to my house, I did go to her house, I went shopping with her. I cannot explain what truly happened because I was just too happy to be near her. We had our own jokes, our personal songs, everything was going perfect. She helped me to not be ''that shy''. I was going to d*e from happiness. Until.. it became evident the inconsistency. I was just a friend. My friends would jokingly tell me how i was basically her doormat. Maybe I was doing too much for her, caring too much, giving in to my own romantical feelings when deep down. I was deluding myself. But she seemed to somehow fuel my love. She would ask me to tell her ''cute things'', she would tell me ''i love yous'' ''I miss yous''. Sometimes she would be jealous of my friends and she would laugh down those girls who were trying to show me attraction at least. I was just so happy even if that meant confusing love for control. I am happy after all I told myself more than once. I had her and that seemed enough. Until...

The Confession
Until I decided to confess my feelings, break the mixed signals.. come clean.. even if it meant ending it all. My stomach was like a volcano, my throat was hurting me like choking with much pressure but I did. I love you E. I always did. When you miss, I feel a void in my day. My love goes beyond friendship. You make me feel tingly things in my belly each time you are near.
I was expecting the hangman in that case the hanggirl to end it all. Instead I look her.. stare at her with a big white smile and those light-brown eyes. She was smirking and with a softly laugh asked me Why I was not adoring her then? I felt so confused. Was she for real? I thought she was joking. She wasn't. I wanted to then leave that relationship be the hangman myself that cuts such bond. I couldn't. Maybe I didn't want to. I still had butterflies every time she would talk to me… It wasn't normal, our friendship wasn't normal. Back then I did not know it was strange to give her massages, brush her hair, and some mind games that would clearly mistake as ''her having flirty nature''. But it was never enough for her.. She was this colossal figure asking for sacrifices, first some massages then.. She would sometimes change clothes in front of me ask me to ''close my eyes'' and I would do so, she would ask me to choose her over other people. Until one day.. I gave her so much power that she would tell me when our friends were not near in a park at night. She told me You will come tonight to my house, I am not asking any more you would just do that because I say so Those words could sound pretentious without context. But it was far from other previous demands, she was literally confident in it. A confidence i boosted for months and strangely i felt excited and anxious as if she read me, knew me. I was lowkey scared. Really scared. It was like I thought she was maybe playing a bit but she was good. I believed she loved me a bit, that she enjoyed the time she spent with me. Instead, with those words and her non-verbal language. I felt like a toy with no will. I felt like my identity somehow became intertwined with someone who is not even taking into account my needs. Things went quite south after that.

The Fall
E will have obviously other relationship, specially romantically or hookups. They made me really uncomfortable, but she really bothered me when ''casually'' decided to visit a friend since that night we were ''quite wasted due alcohol'' and ''he would take care of us'' so she went to pee upstairs (not sure if I want to think if she was solely peeing) when she came downstairs in the doorway… She would ask that guy a kiss. I felt like utterly rubbish. I was ''fine'' with her having side-things, i am not the good guy type. I wasn't expecting her to isolate herself.. Likewise, I just wished it wasn't in front of me, when she perfectly knew I adored her. I felt quite lonely that night, I felt I was alone when she was in the car when her father was taking me my home. Her behaviour was so confusing to me that thanks to the internet i figure out that she might be HPD (it is my theory). Then I started seeing her new friends, the way she did not really fit with them unless fan club? Was I a fan club? It all started fitting in, the constant need of attention, the strange tests (sometimes she would drop in the floor to see if I picked that for her). I decided to go NC. I broke it.. She did.. ''we missed each other''. The last time we did became friends was around 2020. I had my own adventures in our on and off friendship. I met girls, and I felt much more secure in myself. I was hoping we could be friends this time. Likewise, I really liked her even… What she is or what she could do that to me. I always loved a lot that girl, and also I had some nostalgia for our friendship, those two years were intense. I told to myself she was probably immature, or it was my fault I was not enough man to stand up, but this time… This time right?
I just had to… Even though, nothing changed, the endless games. We end up bad.. I had a breakup with my girlfriend and E was doing her own things that were messed up (trying to date my childhood best friend and actually be almost successful with that).

The Post-Fall
I left all that behind, but I never process it fully. I remember having an extreme panic attack of encountering her in my city. I did a few times, and I ending up really scared of going out. Furthermore, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I really couldn't feel like I can control myself and dignity near her, so maybe my brain was trying to protect me to that happen all again. This year I finally step up, worked on my issues. I wrote a lot, processing my experiences, labelling what happened to me. While I feel I am doing better, fine, than before. Sometimes I would feel like I am stuck. I discovered that perhaps my life was empty back then… Even now, I have friends, family hobbies, but she would fill such a void. Perhaps thrill or my need to give romantic love, you name it. I just sometimes can't get over the fact that She is kind deep down, that all was a horrible mistake or claiming, as she said once ''we were so immature''. I just wished she would stay somehow in my life not as a destruction tool but rather as the song of Come as you are Kurt Cobain
says: Come as you are, as you were, As I want you to be, As a friend, as a friend.
Maybe I am a bit naive even after these years… Probably it is my way to cope with reality when it seems gloomy. I just wish that things were/are different. I always thought we could be friends, saving the dramas, humilliation. We had a good thing going on.. sometimes I miss her. I want to hate her to be able to finally break free. But i always come to peak at my past.

So, internet travellers, users of pschologhy forums. People who also suffers from something similar or something completly different. Could you offer me some advice? It will be gladly appreciated. Maybe some feedback too. I am open to criticism. Thank you for reading. I hope you have a great day too.

We all are immature at some point in our life, about all sorts of things. We all start raw and then we go out into the world and have experiences. We process those experiences and hopefully we begin to mature. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes we process and get caught in our own thoughts and circle round and round, or worse we manifest issues and those can get worse and worse.

But everything happens in the time we are processing.

I think both of you are still processing individually and processing what it means to be together.

My basic rule is, if a relationship is causing bad processing or in someone not allowing us to process it's best not to have that relationship until we can mature past the issues that are coming out of the relationship. When we mature we can sometimes establish that relationship and find good things, or sometimes we realize that it was never compatible in the first place.

I think you are still working on your values regarding how to handle relationships - romantic, friendships, etc. Work on that. Establish a foundation and values that have boundaries. It will help guide you.

Good luck. Otter.

Otter wrote:We all are immature at some point in our life, about all sorts of things. We all start raw and then we go out into the world and have experiences. We process those experiences and hopefully we begin to mature. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes we process and get caught in our own thoughts and circle round and round, or worse we manifest issues and those can get worse and worse.

But everything happens in the time we are processing.

I think both of you are still processing individually and processing what it means to be together.

My basic rule is, if a relationship is causing bad processing or in someone not allowing us to process, it's best not to have that relationship until we can mature past the issues that are coming out of the relationship. When we mature, we can sometimes establish that relationship and find good things, or sometimes we realize that it was never compatible in the first place.
I think you are still working on your values regarding how to handle relationships - romantic, friendships, etc. Work on that. Establish a foundation and values that have boundaries. It will help guide you.

Good luck. Otter.

Firstly. Thanks! I appreciate the feedback! I absolutely agree with what you said about refraining to have any type of relationship before working on boundaries. I do agree. I did not have much more relationships past that, I allowed myself to grief. It is curious because yesterday talking to a friend. He got to the same conclusion as you about immaturity. I guess as you said I got caught in the loop since I gave a tremendous amount of energy & care without limits nor understanding that boundaries are necessary, and sometimes it is better to leave (instead of following the blind-Disney-like impulse of fighting until you make it). I can only talk about myself
I can only talk about myself. She also said we were ''immature back then'' but I feel like she ''moved on'' or mature as you would put it. Though… I feel our relationship was tremendously wrong due to some traits that caused issues between us (my passivity, her strange behaviour sometimes about testing boundaries). I do not want to some pretentious, much less put her down. I love her, I appreciate her and I came to my own conclusion that I can do that and move on, but I do feel like She did not care that much according to my own observations of many things I could see in our friendship. So technically, she was not processing. She did not need to. Instead of saying this to critique her. I am saying it because. I believe it is one of the reasons I could ''stop circling around''. As the bible says, The truth will set you free.
I will still be working on this regardless.
Thanks again for your reply and help and kind words!