Having relationship troubles... not sure where to turn

Hey guys, it's actually been a while since I have been in here and I know that I have been in a good place but recently things took an unexpected turn in my life that has thrown me a massive curve ball.

My mother passed away at the end of November and I was grieving that pretty well according to all around me which is good. A couple days before her funeral a very good lady friend had a major melt down and problem because her toddler was rushed to the state capital to a specialist children's hospital from her regional home. He was in a very bad way with bleeding on the brain and may have even passed away but thankfully he survived.

During this time she reached out for comfort an advice and naturally I helped her because I respect and value our friendship. We were both in a very unpleasant and uncomfortable place and neither of us was wanting to be alone. Unfortunately, this manifested and we became very close and over the evening bonded intimately which was totally unexpected for either of us.

I left the next morning and was a muddle of thoughts and emotions. I have been in a variety of good and bad relationships and I was thinking that this could be the beginning of a new one. However, I have badly hurt before in an array of unhealthy relationships, and a lot of those mechanisms came flooding back. I was overly clingy and drove a wedge between us within a couple of days.

This behavior has turned her off me and I still have strong feelings for her and I don't know what to do. I suffer with a bit of anxiety and thanks to being abandoned in a previous relationship due to being apart, I tend to over compensate and this is where my troubles are. I need help to develop mechanisms to get the old me back and also stop destroying good relationships. 2 years ago I lost a friend because of poor mental health and I certainly don't want to lose this friend as I value them in my life.

Arbie Wun wrote:However, I have badly hurt before in an array of unhealthy relationships, and a lot of those mechanisms came flooding back. I was overly clingy and drove a wedge between us within a couple of days.

This sounds like your past relationships left you with attachement wounds. Have you looked into attachment theory and the healing of attachment traumas /wounds? This might give you clues on what to do and how to recover.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

I have been looking at a few things and I know that when I was young my father worked away from home for extensive periods of time. This was a common practice up until I was 6 years old. When I was 6 we moved to a new place because the house we were renting at the time was too small.

I now had 2 younger sisters, and a couple of changes were required because of the growing family. It was at this time my father also changed jobs to a more stable position. This saw him home more regularly but, I feel that this didn't improve my situation because my sister's always seemed to get the attention now.

It does sound like an attachment wound.

Therapy is possible, mostly in the "tool box" of trauma therapy tools -though not every therapist knows how to do them. There is hope. It is a long journey with lots of work and lots of self compassion that is needed. But there is hope.