Childhood traumatic experience - forgive or cut off?

I was a very young child growing up in a third world country in Europe. Around 5 to 7 years in age when the event happened, I can't remember exactly (I'm 42 now).

We lived in a multi-family building in the city. My parents would let me go outside to play, completely unsupervised at such a young age. They'd let me go and play for hours, pretty much anywhere while they were in the house.

One day, me and another childhood friend from the same building, same age, were playing outside together and got taken, abducted, by two older boys. I don't know their age, maybe just under 20 or so if I had to guess.

They took us to a bunker and r**ed us. After done, they took us back to where they abducted us from and told us not to tell our parents or very bad things would happen.

After a week I built up the courage to tell my dad. The next day he took me to a neighborhood he believed the criminal boys might live based on the description I gave him and we actually found them. My dad took them to the police station and I don't know what happened to them (prob. not much).

I had successfully erased this memory from my mind for most of my life in order live a normal life. Honestly it has never been an issue given how much I actually managed to erase this memory from my head.

I moved to US when I was 11 with my family. I managed to grow up fine, build an above average career and life for myself, successful. I have an incredible, beautiful wife and two amazing kids.

Everything was fine and I've maintained a decent relationship with my parents, until the recent birth of my second child, my son. My first child is my daughter. I think this horrific memory might have been re-triggered for the first time in 36 years perhaps because I see how precious and innocent my son is, how he needs my full protection always. I would protect him with my life and die for him.

It has made me think, boys are just as precious and fragile and need the same level of protection. How could my parents have allowed this to happen to me, let me down so badly, did not protect me? Left me all alone outside completely unsupervised? Such incredible child endangerment in my view.

I'm at the point now where extreme anxiety has been triggered due to my parent's failure to protect me as a young child. I have a choice to make.

A) Forgive them and continue to allow them to visit and see their grandchildren.

B) Cut them off completely and never allow them to see their grandchildren ever again, never go to their funerals. For what they allowed to happen to me.

I am the type of person with tendency to go a bit overboard with my reactions so I really would love to know what others feel they would do in this situation. I want to take action that isn't overly emotional or unnecessarily extreme given that the result could affect many in the family.

Some key facts: In this third world country, it was pretty common that most kids would go out and play unsupervised. I personally don't think I can accept this as an excuse as there is no way I could allow my children out to play unsupervised at such a young age, regardless the circumstances.



Thank you

I've left a link where you originally placed this, but I think it might do better in Relationships, since this is primarily about your relationship with your parents as a result of the traumatic experience.

I feel as if you're being too harsh on your parents. You admit it was the custom to let children play unsupervised. Here in the US my generation wasn't supervised hardly at all, either- that would be the second half of the Boomers into most of Gen X. Then the Millennials got downright overprotected (in my opinion). I never had an experience such as yours (I did have a pederast after me but that was a grooming situation and not outright sexual assault). Still I wouldn't have blamed my parents for it, it's not as if they'd intentionally left me knowing that would happen. Some things you can't predict.

Having said that I'm not unsympathetic to you. Do you think your anger at them might stem from this being something you can control? I know from being in these forums a long time, sexual abuse/trauma victims will do all sorts of things to give themselves a feeling of control. I wonder if some of that isn't coming into play, here? Not saying it is, just offering ideas.

Given the way I know I am, and most others I know, I wonder if your parents' attitude towards supervision (or the lack of it) even is the same any longer, from what it was when you were a child. Has your daughter stayed with them at all? Are they protective of her? They might be the same for your son, as well. Try talking to them about it and asking they keep a close eye on him, reminding them what happened with you, and suggesting that the world's a lot more dangerous now (it does seem to be). Does that sound doable?

Hey, just thought I'd give my input.

First, allow me to focus on you. Bottling up and "erasing" memories, is a common trauma response. Responding with "excessive" emotions is a result of bottling up the trauma and therefore another common sign.
The birth of your son was a clear trigger which is why now you can no longer bottle up the stress and anxiety.
Talking to someone about what happened might help you and your son, so that's my first piece of advice.

Now your parents.
You can blame them, but think about what that will do. Does it make you feel better? No. Does it make them feel better? No. Does it make your son happy? Also no.
They didn't do it to you and they probably already feel bad enough that it happened to you.
I would therefore advice you not to take it out on them, but talk about it with your partner so you can be assured that your son (and daughter) will grow up safe.

Good luck and all best,

~ Grey