Recovering from breakup -seeking advice

Hello forum.

I am presently recovering from a bad breakup. It was very strange. The person went from "talking all day long every day" to "no contact whatsoever" in the blink of an eye. This person left a very huge void in my life.

I am doing my best to juggle between accepting my feelings of loss and distracting myself from the hurt. I am doing my best to keep the nice memories alive without focusing my whole life on the memories. I am doing my best to build new habits, go out, focus on myself, journalling, meditating... and to avoid any guilt-trip.

But it is difficult. Every day there is a new thing reminding me of this person and this person's absence.

Any advice? (Books to read, CBT worksheets, websites... are welcome too.)

I have seen this type of behavior before. Someone pursues another, establishes a dynamic they want to experience, and once that's fulfilled, they drop out. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but it sounds like what I have seen before.

Did this person completely ghost you, without reason? Was this a relationship cultivated online and over a long distance?

I'm not sure if there are any books on this phenomenon, as such. There are probably case studies online. You are definitely not on your own. The sad thing is, that this tends to make people more weary of this type of relationship because we make ourselves vulnerable and suffer for it.

What I wouldn't do, is concern yourself WHY he did what he did, what made him this way. Somone who behaves the way he did doesn't deserve your time.

The relationship was mostly long-distance but we met in-person too and video called regularly. It lasted for years. The person did not give me clear reasons outside of "I'm done, do not contact me ever again". I sensed some tension on this person's side for a few weeks prior the event, asked to talk about it, but the person stayed defensive and refused to talk about it any more than "you have changed".

Before that, we had a very clear communication and were open to discuss any hiccup in the relationship, any change of boundaries, etc. It feels like the person's way of seeing the relationship or me has changed suddently and the person did not want to explain to me. Did the person meet someone new? Was there some event in the person's life? Something else? I have no clue and must live with this.

I know I will not get closure from this person's side. I just seek advice on how to cope and move on.

I really miss the person. I know the person is gone from my life and there is no way of getting this person back. I have no hope for this. But I still miss the person. I miss the comfort, the presence, the support.

I miss this person so bad that I am tempted to contact toxic people from my past just to get *some* relationship back. I will not do it. I know better than that. But the temptation is still here.

I really miss being in a relationship with someone.

Hi Elvenstar,

What you describe is very human. You had a relationship with someone and shared so much. That person was part of your life, part of you in a way. You need time to recover, to rebuild yourself. It's a long process. I think best is taking care of yourself. Good food, nice moments with people who are understanding, find activities - maybe new activities - that make you feel good. Do some sport?
One can be tempted by toxic food, toxic people that make you feel better in a moment and bad later. Better offer some place for time, for yourself.
Find people you can talk to. Share in this forum when you need to.

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.

I have started to think about what I look for in a partner and the main thing I am looking for is "companionship". And it scares me. Because companionship can also come from being in a toxic relationship. If it is the only thing I am looking for, I am screwed on the long term. I will try going at it from the other side, listing what I do not want in a partner. The red flags. Still, I am a bit creeped out by my lack of specific desires. I feel like I am shrinking myself into being low maintenance out of fear of being alone. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Not good.

"Companionship" is normally a good thing but I take it from what you said that this means the bare minimum because you don't want to be alone.

Yes, that is difficult. I think it might be a good idea to list what you don't want. I think if you put in the time and don't overthink it, the process should reveal who you might want and who you are when you are in a relationship.

There are many different way two people are compatible but the basics kindness, respect, open-mindedness and the ability to communicate are things that are necessary no matter what kind of person you are looking for.

O.

The more I think about it, the less I want to build a relationship again. It is too complicated to find someone who will be balanced, healthy, mature, adulting-able, somemone I won't need to baby-sit, with similar political core values than mine and enough respect for my personal boundaries.

I'll just live with pets and go to bingo night every second week. It sounds like a good option.

I am starting to find inside me the qualities and support I previously sought in my ex-partner. It feels bittersweet. Like all healings do, I guess.