How do I reconcile with my beloved sister, after her rape?

Trigger warning - discussion of rape

I (29M) am an adopted child. I am ethnically Okinawan, and I was adopted by a Japanese-American family. My adoptive family is the best family I could ever ask for, and I’m so grateful. I have one sibling, an older sister named M (35F) *mod edit*. Up until recently, M has always been so kind and compassionate to me, and we got along so well. I love her.


This past July, M was visiting my city, and she stayed over at my apartment. She’s a very athletic girl, so she used to frequently go out on runs. She used to go on her runs wearing the most provocative clothes, like tank tops, sports bras, short shorts, that kinds of stuff. I happen to live in a rather sketchy part of the city, so every time she went out running half-naked, I used to worry a little bit for her safety.


One day, near the end of her stay at my apartment, M went out for her run wearing nothing but a low-cut spaghetti strap sports bra and short shorts. She went out for about two hours, and when she came back, she was crying hysterically, and she was sweating so much that I thought there was something physically wrong with her. She tearfully told me that while she was out on her run, somebody tripped her and raped her. I was crushed when she told me this, but at the exact same time, I was so angry at her for dressing up so provocatively. She told me that she was going to take a shower, but instead, I told her that we were going to the hospital right away. She whined that she felt “so disgusting” but I wasn’t hearing any of it. M begged me to at least let her grab a shirt to wear to the hospital, but I told her that in order to preserve as much physical evidence as possible, she was absolutely not allowed to shower or wear a shirt or change out of her sports bra and shorts. I grabbed her arm and dragged her down to the car, and we went to the emergency room.

M couldn’t stop crying during the entire drive and the wait at the hospital. While we were waiting to see the doctor, she whined that she really wanted a shirt to wear, so in the heat of the moment, I bluntly told her that this was all her fault, and that she made her bed and she ought to lie in it. When I told her this, she just whimpered. Looking back, I really, really, really regret saying this to her.


Nowadays, M acts as if I’m the one who raped her. She is terrified of me, and she cries so much in my presence these days. The tough, tomboyish, cheerful sister that I have always known is gone. How do I get her back? She is in therapy for her PTSD, but her therapy doesn't seem to be helping my relationship with her. I just want my sister back.

I would begin by apologizing to her and begging her forgiveness. Temping fate might result in something bad happening but blaming the victim is obscene and she has every right to be afraid of you.

Most men who rape don't care what a woman is wearing. It isn't about normal sexual arousal, it's about violence (against women).

I agree that you ought to apologise for how you handled it. I can understand being angry in the heat of the moment, out of frustration. But unless you repeatedly warned her against dressing that way, not sure you can place any of this on her and expect her to feel good about that.

I'm afraid I have a short (but temporary) fuse, and in such a situation it wouldn't be unlike me to say things I would later regret- anger at what happened is too easy to take out on the person most handy, because it's not as if the rapist was there in the room to be angry at. I totally get that. But being insistently taken to hospital, without at least that shirt, has probably left her feeling very hurt and she probably thinks you're still angry at her. Just my thoughts on it.

Hello,

I have been looking at this post for a few days now and I was initially reluctant to respond, but now it bothers me too much to ignore it so hereby my perspective on it in the most nuanced manner I can manage, though you are going to hear the harsh truth from me.

Your sister trusted you deeply. That is the first thing I need you too know. Most people who go through something like this will keep quiet about the trauma even to family, but she told you. She expected you to protect her and treat her with kindness. She wanted you to show her that she was not in the wrong and that she is still human even now that she was made into an object of lust by another and then tossed aside to become something even less than that.

When you denied her that comfort and dragged her out, you harmed her. When you accused her of being at fault, you harmed her. When the people in the hospital looked at her, examined her and quietly judged her, they all harmed her but you are the one that forced her into that situation. I hope the assailant was at least caught thanks to these choices.

I am certain you realise this and I will not speak for your sister, but this much is clear: your actions that day severely hampered her healing process. Even if you had warned her repeatedly of the dangers beforehand and wearing those clothes none of this was ever her fault and you were wrong to ever make her think otherwise. If she had worn winter clothes, this would have happened too. Your sister was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong person and that person is the only one to blame.

With that hopefully made abundantly clear, now to your question of how to fix your relationship. You should definitely start with an apology but only on her terms and it better be a good apology that is focused on how you will do better. Normally I say that where two fight, two are to blame, but this situation is an exception. She has done no wrong and you should not even suggest that she did. If you think she did, do not bother trying to fix this relationship because it is lost for good. This would be a shame because you two clearly shared a special bond. You both would benefit from seeing it restored.

After you apologise, the situation will not magically be better. She will still reflexively fear you and resent what you did. You have to show her that you are not who you were in her moment of need. Ask her what you can do for her, listen to her, do not go too close to her or touch her without her consent. Give her the time and space she needs.

My best advice is actually to, after doing the above, ask her if you could get some insight from her therapist in how you can best help her. Currently it seems to me that you feel bad because you lost something good. While logic, your mindset needs to be changed. You need to look at what is good for her and if it is deemed that your presence worsens things, then you will have to accept that.

This may not have been the reply you wanted to hear, but it is the one you needed to hear. To sum up your best plan of action according to me:
1. Apologise, focusing on what you did, why you did that, what that did to her and how you plan to improve and do good by her.
2. Keep to your word and show her that you are better than you were. Listen to her needs and offer to listen without judgement and without trying to defend your choices.
3. Ask her therapist for help. They are the only ones who can give insight on the precise situation and person.

Good luck to you and your sister. I truly hope your bond will be restored and perhaps even improved.