HOPELESSLY IN LOVE

I am hopelessly in love in a work collegue. I am thinking about him the whole day. I can not stop. He is not interested in me, although he has shown some psycopathic behaviour... He has a girlfriend, is straight, but yet he often masturbates at work while watching me, on a way I can see him, without trying to hide it, because he knows that that turns me on so much. He is super nice to me, does stuff for me which no other work colegue would do for another work collegue, sometimes he flirts with me a little and so. But whenever I try to get closer to him, to try something with him, he distances himself from me saying that he is not interested and even threatens that if I do not leave him alone that he will report me to our superior. The next day he is again all flirty and has erections on me he proudly walks in front of me with to turn me on and touches himself like nothing happened. If I again try something he backs off again.
He is driving me crazy. He knows that I am in love in him, and that he is turning me on by his sexual stuff he does, and he does this on purpose every day to drive me crazy. He knows that I am into him and that I will be into him no matter what he does so he is using this for his amusement.
I know this situation is toxic and that I need to get the hell out of that, but I simply can not. I am in love in him and I will allways be in love no matter what he does.
But the fact that he does not want to return my love hurts me so much. It is driving me crazy. I can not force myself to let go this wierd relationship between us and just ignore him. I would want to be able to do that, but I can not. It makes me so sad. I so much wish things to work out for us, but that does not happen. I simply can not let him go.

I am not seaking any advice here really nor anything similar. I just wanted to write this here to make me feal better if I know someone is going to read my post.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It can be REALLY hard when you love someone and they don't feel the same way.

I know you aren't looking for advice, but I will pass on my two cents and you can totally take it or leave it .

It is concerning to me he's masturbating while watching you at work. That's very odd behaviour and insanely inappropriate. I think the first step would be telling him to stop that or else you'll complain. I don't think it's good for you, his relationship or your work environment.

Also, he doesn't sound like a great guy to me. Imagine he was your partner and he was doing this with other girls - how would that make you feel? It's basically cheating on your partner and very weird. It shows his character that he would do this and play weird games with you like that. That is a GIANTTT red flag.
I also think it's human nature to want the things we can't have. I think because you know you can't have him it makes you feel like you love him all the more. But just based off what I already know about him I think you can do much better and seek out a healthy relationship instead. I feel like he would be a very manipulative and toxic person to be with, not to mention completely untrustworthy. Is this really the type of person you'd want ? And if so, it might be beneficial to examine why you think you're drawn to a person like this?

I don't think there's any scenario with this guy that works out well for you. Whereas I'm sure there's another guy out there who you could have a genuine, healthy and sexual connection with.

Hay, Thanx for the reply.

I think the first step would be telling him to stop that or else you'll complain.

Yea, but I'm kinky person who likes when boys do that. And he does that only when we are alone in the office (what is most of the time). And he knows I like it. He knows that very well. The whole point of his behaviour is to do stuff that I like, to make me happy, to be super nice to me, to help me with everything, to flirt, but to not allow me to do anything about it. To progress more on my side. Because he really looks like he cares about me. He is doing so much for me, so many small things. He predicts what I want and gives it to me, whether it is a chocolate, or his jacket if I am cold, or, he holds an umbrella for me, shares everything with me. He buys me stuff, brings me whatever I want. And he really makes me happy. As long as I do not react to this and do not try anything with him, everything is ok. As soon as I try anything, even if it is just telling him that I like him, he backs off and does not want to talk with me anymore and so on (untill tomorow when he resets himself to the being nice toward me state). So, we have a lot of beautiful small moments when he really tries to make me happy. That is the wierdest part.
I have dealt with the unrequited love before, and it is nothing special, I love him, he does not love me, he tells me that, I keep loving him for a few months or a year or two, and, it only takes time, but with time this love goes away and I am ready to look for someone new.
That is standard unrequited love. I know how to deal with that. But this is something completely different. He does, kind of, give me love and attention, but does not allow me to show that I love him back. Very very weird behaviour. And this is going on for a year, and I do not love him less, no, I love him more than what I did at the beginning and this has no signs of fading away. So this is not the standard unrequited love, since he does react to me, just he does not allow this to become a relationship. And regarding his masturbation, he does that only because he knows I am very kinky and that I enjoy watching him. I think we both are turned on by the idea of doing it in public, or in a workplace when someone can come and catch him doing it. He also does that to make me happy. I can watch, he is ok with that, but, for instance, I can not talk about it, he does not allow that.
Like, he can do whatever he wants, but I need to stay on the friend only level. Very strange.

I don't think it's good for you, his relationship or your work environment.

Yea, not good for my work for sure. My productivity has dropped like 60% when he came to my department when compared to before I knew him. Luckily, even with 40% remaining, I am still more productive than half of the people in my company because in my company things are very relaxed, people sometimes go to a break and do not return until 3-4 hours later and nobody does anything about it. So, this boy is the reason my productivity dropped, but, that is not the problem in my company really.

Imagine he was your partner and he was doing this with other girls - how would that make you feel?

I would not care. I would put up with everything, just to be with him.

It's basically cheating on your partner and very weird.

Well, his "girlfriend" is more of a "friends with benefits" thing. Just sex, no emotions.

Is this really the type of person you'd want ?

I want better, but I love him so much that I do not care what he does to me. I would preffer better, but at the moment I am not looking for anyone else, because he is the one.

it might be beneficial to examine why you think you're drawn to a person like this?

Because I am obviously mentally sick person who does not mind being used by someone who it loves.

No problem

SYOBSYOT wrote: I would not care. I would put up with everything, just to be with him.

Do you really think this is true though? I have a feeling it would be torture to be in a relationship with him knowing he was doing that with someone else. Relationships are built off trust and I have a hard time seeing this guy as trustworthy.

SYOBSYOT wrote: Because I am obviously mentally sick person who does not mind being used by someone who it loves.

I'm worried that you're not thinking of yourself in this situation. This situation isn't good for you and seeking out this kind of partner isn't good for you either. In my experience there's a lot of truth in the fact that you need to love yourself in order to love someone else. I think in loving yourself you should aim to seek out relationships which are going to be fulfilling and reciprocated. The alternative is just more of the same, you keep doing what you're doing and nothing changes, and then potentially missing out on something great with someone else by doing so.

Either way, I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope things work out.

Well, I probbly just need to wait to find something better what would make me let go of this boy and be with someone better. But, as someone who has not been in a relationship for 30 years (what is equal to never) and to whom nobody has ever shown any kind of more than a friend affection, chances are nobody ever will, so, I have to stick with this weird boy since he is all I have got.

Yeah I think that's a good idea.

Have you tried putting yourself out there to meet people much? Any dating apps etc?

No, I never go out. I do not use dating apps. I just go straight work-home-work-home every day and occassionally to the store. And that is it. I never go to parties or anywhere where people are socializing.

Although this boy changed that. He wants to go out with me, to drinks or to lunch, to dinner. He wants that, and he did talk me into doing so. So I do go out with him. But not with other people. So, when I think about it, although he is super weird person, so am I, and I am actually much better to be in this wierd friendship with kinky twist, than to be alone. So he is making my life better. Although he is obviously playing with me and my emotions.

Probably because nobody else ever wanted to do something with me in free time, this what I have with him is enough for me.

Well that is good he's inviting you out and getting you out of your shell a bit. I'm glad that's bringing you joy.

What do you think is keeping you from trying dating apps or going to social events?

I am not that kind of person. I do not really like going out. I am used to be home alone, and i am not realy into socializing. Except when something like this happens when I fall in love.

I can understand that, I definitely lean more towards introverted myself.

Perhaps you could try out some dating apps and just plan very low key dates with people? Something chill like grabbing a coffee, watching something, etc.
Maybe there's another person out there who has all the great qualities of this guy, but is also available? You'll never know unless you try. I truly believe that you usually have to make things happen for yourself in life, including meeting a partner and forming a relationship.