Man (45) obsessed, with irrational behavior after 1 date

In my (40,f) sports club there is a new guy (45), he joined like half a year ago. Bill is a handsome man, shy, a bit awkward, with a bit of an accent because his father is from Spain. He seemed nice, and frankly, my attraction was mostly physical.

We both have no partner. I am not particularly looking for anything. This seemed more casual to me.

Bill took me to some games we attended together, we went out, all started nicely, we kissed, I went to his home one night where we, well, attempted to be intimate, he couldn't get it up, it was awful, the worst ever such experience in my life, in the morning I expected he would at least initiate again, but even with all my clues, he didn't get what I expected him to do, he said "I'm tired" so I left his home, rejected and disappointed.

He shares a two apartment house with his mother (which kind of felt like a red flag tbh). He is divorced with an adult daughter. I know his daughter, she is a nice teenage woman.

The next day I got selfies from him crying threatening to [redacted]. Iwas shocked. I mean nothing serious even happened, there wasn't even intercourse. He texted that he "loves me" and ".... without me". Ugh that was so bad, so embarrassing, so horrible. At this point I was done with all that.

But since I don't want to leave my sports club I have to come across him again. So I thought I would stay nice and let it slip.

Things got really weird from there. He never said or texted anything nice or simple like "how are you". Then he sent some invitations for meetups that came out of the blue and were worded like setting up a meeting with a client, not anything like you would ask a woman for a date who you previously disappointed, acted weird tp, and try to get close again!? He also doesn't get any hints or clues in my texts, never. He never flirted in text either, as I realized later by re-reading my history. It's like he doesn't know what flirting is. Like a child or someone dumb. But he isn't dumb. All our conversation stayed cold somehow, distant, almost mechanical.

And after the failed date and me bailing, he didn't hear the shot that there is no relationship between us. He behaved like I was his girlfriend, wanted to meet etc.

Then suddenly I get this: "I have strong feelings for you, your body is so beautiful (he added some super blunt and off-putting details), you need to love me!" I was shocked. Why the f do you say something like that to a woman you barely know and had disappointed in intimacy?! I declined the meeting and he wrote: "Don't play with me or you will get to know my other side!" I felt scared for my life at this point. He later added that this means that "he gets moody". Then some smiling emojis followed. I was totally shocked at this point.

I also suspect that he's lying about his job. He says he works in accounting, in a work from home agreement. I know someone with the same job. I asked some questions he couldn't answer. The house he lives with his mother in is huge, with a pool. He drives an expensive car. He likes to brag about stuff, like trying to impress me (these things do not impress me though).

Then some other day we had a social gathering with the club where he attended. He tried to be close to me but never initiated a light conversation like "hey how's things". Nothing. Ignored me.

When we were sitting and eating, I noticed for the first time that he doesn't actually have conversations *with anyone*. He only responds when talked to, in formulaic words, like "oh yes, you're right, me too, totally." Sometimes this doesn't even make sense. It's like he's faking a conversation like someone who doesn't really know English would do, repeating the phrases he had memorized.

Whenever he's stuck in a conversation and doesn't know what to say, he laughs, usually too loud, or comes up with an inappropriate or dirty joke. He's so embarrassing to be around. I could never attend any social occasion with him as my boyfriend. He behaves like a chatbot that has bugs and hangs.

I never noticed that before though because usually I initiate a new conversation when there is silence. But if no one says anything he stares with a blank look. Very scary. At one point I was sitting next to him at the table when the others had just stepped out to check the weather. He said nothing. Not one word. With the woman he apparently loves next to him. I feel like I was duped by an imposter.

When someone in our group talked about her elderly mother having an accident in the bathtub, Bill said: "My neighbor was found d... after such an accident." How rude and inconsiderate! He also doesn't get jokes. Never.

Bill shows his weird true self more and more and I'm worried. What is going on there? He must have some issue. Like a psychopath with zero empathy? He also seems obsessed with me. Do I need to worry? What's wrong with him? What should I do to get out of this without problems? He knows where I live and work. I'm scared to tell him right in his face that we're done. What should I do? Right now there is radio silence from him.

I feel like a complete fool to have entered this miss just because I found a guy attractive after many years.

It seems the problem here is that you both go to the same sports club and he has your phone number. Reading your post it seems as if you are not interested in him in any way. On top of it, he does seems to have issues.

Have you thought about telling him to cease contacting you?

Why not inform the club of harassment and make it their problem - they will have policies they need to enforce.

My personal opinion (not a professional therapist) is that he is not a psychopath per se, but very wounded, has serious issues he needs to deal with.

My guess would be this: He has a lot of insecurities around dating and having sex with a pretty girl.
He's divorced, he lives with his mother (sort of?), and maybe he's a shy, has social anxiety, or is a bit awkward. (Social anxiety is like the new depression, it is what everyone seems to have these days...well, plus depression.) So he put a lot of pressure on himself not to screw this up. Heck, if he's in a bit of a rough patch financially, or just trying to get his feet on the ground somewhat, he may even be in therapy, taking an antidepressant, some of which really suppress sex drive and/or can impair erection. Heck, he may not even know his Zoloft or whatever (if any drug) had that effect, or he forgot.

Regardless if there's any drug influence, he now has his big moment, his shot at sex with a really hot girl he likes and wants probably for LTR, not one night stand, so he puts lots of pressure on himself. And, with all that pressure and insecurity (and maybe other factors like medication we don't know about), pretty girl back to his unimpressive dwelling (sharing home with his mother?), and maybe had not had sex for a while. So between his pressure and insecurity, he is really doing a number on himself.

Oh, and one thing most women really fail to appreciate is how much more sex means to men than women. My view is that men are primarily in their physical body and women are primarily in their emotional body. Men are thus more ruled by "drives" (sex, hunger, avoiding pain, etc.) while women are more ruled by emotions (fear, worry, anger, love, etc.) Women need emotional connection to get their sexual/physical love motor going. Men need a physical connection which gets their romantic love motor going. Similar, but also kind of opposite. So men actually view sex the way women view love. That big a deal. The "pc" bs in our society is that love is sacred and the best and the pinnacle of things to aspire to, but sex is a base drive, kind of shameful. That is kind of sexist, form of misandry. Physical love is equally deserving of respect as emotional love. So to him, that failed sex act could have been similar to the emotional blow you'd take if you lost a guy over some stupid brain fart.

Imagine you met a guy you had an instant connection with, just so easy and in sync, everything went smooth as silk, like it was destiny, you start to think this could be the happily ever after you were waiting for. Yeah, it might only have been a few dates so far, but it really feels right. Then, as you and this hunky guy you are falling for are going to make love for the first time, naked in bed, you call him by another guy's name. Maybe it is a total innocent brain fart, there had been a guy who made you swoon in junior high who was similar in hair color/style, or something. You try to explain this is a silly thing, but he says, "really?" I'm starting to wonder if you even know my name." And he looks at you. And you search your brain, and you draw a blank. Of course you know his name, but in this moment with all the pressure, your brain freezes up, it is your flight/fight response, and you just can't think of it.... You just stare at him. He gets really offended you don't even know his name, hurts his ego, rolls over and with his back to you, lays there till you fall asleep. You beat yourself up about it, so upset, so hopeful you can somehow make it right in the morning, go to sleep. Next morning, he looks at you after waking, you think he's mad at you, you can't figure out how to fix it. You think you remember is name is Dan, but some nagging, sabotaging part of you is saying maybe its Dave, and you KNOW if you say it wrong now, that will surely be the end, so you say "I'm tired" and he leaves. He figures you still don't know his name or you'd have said it, so you were totally just pretending to be into him, does not want to date you any more.

You would probably beat yourself up hugely, feel monstrous remorse, think you might have blown what could have been your future husband over something so stupid. So now you see this guy at the gym, but every time you try to interact with him, you are so nervous, you say stupid $#%^, or your mind goes blank.

Here's the problem: Our brains (and sex organs) function differently in the "fight or flight" mode. When our animal selves sense danger and shift from our relaxed parasympathetic nervous system to your sympathetic nervous system, it impairs both the sexual organs and the brain functions. And being super nervous can put you in that state. So now when you are around him, he is in "fight or flight" mode and his brain is not working right. He's like a guy thinking he's about to be eaten by a lion. Eloquent or witty speech, or even normal speech, is not gonna happen. The blood has all been transferred to the limbs because we evolved to get into this state when we faced physical danger and need to run or fight, not think or have sex.

And when he has his first bad encounter with you at the gym, he probably was building it up, thinking of ways he could explain his nerves, reveal his on anti-depressants, or whatever, or think he could use bravado to play it off, but once he got near you and ready to speak, he got nervous and into the "fight or flight" mode and his brain stopped working right, and he just said stupid stuff, or nothing at all, and it was weird.

Since that failed sexual encounter, you have never been with him or talked to him, his normal self. You have only been interacting with his "fight or flight" brain which cannot make normal conversation to save its life (irony not intended). I suppose when he is away from you, and has sent you communications via text or email or whatever, maybe he is in normal mode, or hovering between. Could be his normal brain realizes that for some reason he does not understand, it keeps betraying him at the most important moment. So he stops trusting it, stops trusting himself. He has no confidence. He second guesses every interact with you, even in his normal mode. So he rewrites a text for 20 minutes before sending it off and those texts are always weird and lame compared to what you just write stream of consciousness.

Anyway, he may be a really great guy that that could have been the love of your life, but because of people not knowing how to converse truthfully and openly about what is going on, and maybe not entirely understanding basic psychology, you now think he's a psychopath, and he's now traumatized by this (literally, suffering PTSD). Bad, bad, bad.

This guy might still be a really awesome guy. You went out multiple times before trying sex, so he must have been reasonably articulate and charming, not weird. That is the real him. This is his "fight or flight with no confidence" face, which is horrible, but it is horrible on everyone. And everyone has it. All men. He's not weaker than other men because h has this face, we all have it. I had this sort of experience in college, lost girl on third date who I thought was impossible hot & perfect, so put too much pressure on myself not to screw up, got into my head, nervous, fight or flight. Took me 32 years of having this suppressed trauma and pain buried in my subconscious, steering me to make bad decisions surrounding sex, punishing myself, leading myself to similar pains, until I finally got therapy, found that pain, and sobbed it out for about 30 minutes, then felt light as a feather. Stupid it took me so long.

Anyway, you can write this guy off and hopefully he'll find therapy to deal with his trauma. Or maybe he'll fetishize it like many people do, become masochist or something. Or you could think that maybe it's all a big misunderstanding, maybe he's just really insecure and nervous that he failed to perform sexually with a woman, which is like the most horrific thing a guy can do in his mind, and so since then he's been too much in "fight or flight" to be normal. And if you just saw past the "fight or flight" and allowed him to relax, instead of breaking up with him over a failed sexual performance after things were going so good, he's get more secure, leave "fight of flight" and be back to the confident, charming, handsome guy you were first dating.

I will say that if you took the latter approach, I would expect him to still be nervous next time you both try to have sex, and expect it'll happen again at first, He probably did not initiate next morning because one failed performance he can write off as maybe it being late, if he had anything to drink, or just an random event, but if he tried again that morning and failed, now he's the guy who repeatedly cannot get it up, which he feels is much worse.

Oh, it is also worth bearing in mind that because he has this big ego-crush obsession masquerading as love, he now is basically confused into thinking you are his soulmate or some $#%^ like that. This will dissipate as soon as he either (1) processes his negative emotions he suppressed from ruining this relationship with sexual inadequacy, the worst thing a guy can do (probably tears, grief, etc., up there with giving birth for a woman, but emotional pain), or (2) you convince him he has won you back completely, which will "fix" the problem that caused the trauma (you leaving him because of sexual inadequacy, not just the sexual inadequacy). It is like he has a knife in his heart and it can be removed two ways, it can pass through (processing it, like digesting food) or it can be pulled back out (getting rid of it, like vomiting food). When that happens, whichever way (note, even if he thinks it is fixed by pulling the dagger out, it may not all come out, so probably good for him to try to get in touch with the pain and cry / sob anything in there, out), his obsessive feelings will dissipate like smoke, and his creepy obsession with you will be gone. I've experienced this more than once and seen it in others more than once. Usually,, we don't understand why we no longer want the person who we just finally got to pledge their love to us. Sad, our ignorance of our own psychology. Anyway, just letting you know that will fix itself, I believe. Then he may feel distant, but whatever stirrings of affection he first felt for you, the sapling that was turning into the tree of love, it might be a bit crushed or wilted from being blocked out by that ego tree faux love, not getting sunlight, but it will grow back if the original feelings were real, and no reason to think they were not. And to the extent your believe the "fight or flight" version of this guy was the real one caused your own love sapling to wilt or even die, if it was genuine, and he goes back to normal him, it will grow again. I don't think either of you have fundamentally changed, and if you actually weather something like this that married couples often cannot weather, it frankly may be a trial by fire that cements you two in a love others will envy. No promises, you just started dating. But I think true love is not just finding one person who magically happens to be your perfect fit, it is about finding some one who you are willing to fulfill their needs (for men, mostly physical, sex, hugs, food, alcohol, and let them fix $#%^ for you), they are willing to fulfill your needs (emotional support, love, security, fixing what you need, trying to help you resolve your past suppressed emotions & traumas, deal with and process your current emotions and traumas, and hear your worries about the future that cause you negative emotions and distress, and then he will move mountains to take steps to protect you from those things. If you are fulfilling his physical needs, he will do that. (With the caveat some of us have big past traumas that screw up our behaviors, so we sabotage this $#%^ unless we get therapy to resolve them, which I highly recommend for 100% of people.) But nothing here sounds like either of you need therapy more than the average person (which is still a lot), except maybe a bit extra to get over this little speed bump.

I am over 90% sure something along these lines is going on. I am very very convinced you are a pretty good judge of people (most women are good at this) so you would have picked up on if he had any real serious weirdness long before you were naked in bed with him. Everything you describe is consistent with "fight or flight" in him. Oh, I know the current fad is for "hot" or "high value" women (bleh) to say that seeing a guy's weakness or flaws gives them the "ick" so they cannot ever be attracted to him again. We know that is just a lie, an emotional weapon women have found to try to get even with guys for all the crappy stuff they do to them, and to maybe build their superficial egos a bit by putting another human being down, which is never a good strategy. Don't do that, please.

Last words - his comment about you seeing his bad side or dark side or whatever does worry me a bit. Again, it could be just him being super stupid, over thinking everything. Maybe he over thought and decided he'd shown too much weakness, you did not see him as masculine enough and he had to be kind of aggressive / threatening to tip back the scales. I dunno. The odds that this failed and traumatic incident turned him into a dangerous threat is incredibly rare. How may women who are raped go out and try to kill their rapist later? Right, practically none. By and large the vast majority of us just are not that kind of person, movies and TV make us think this is much more prevalent than it is. But, that said, it would not hurt anything to show him this message, ask him if this is what is happening, get his agreement to it. Maybe I'm wrong and totally off base. If you says yes, this is the problem, and you manage to repair things somewhat, maybe invest in a counseling session (even early in relationship, never too soon to get proactive at good communication), and it will help with his performance next time, I think, and ask that professional to evaluate his honesty, to maybe make sure this is not one of those one in a million dangerous psychopaths or something who is lying by saying it is just "fight of flight" stupidity and insecurity over a sexual tragedy that you, as a woman, just find so hard to understand is like having a death in the family, losing a limb, etc. It is really a horrific thing for a guy. Yeah, we blow it out of proportion, I'm not sure we can help it.

First of all, don't blame yourself for getting into this scenario. It sounds like the issues are all his, and if you're not looking too closely it seems they would be easy to miss at first.

It does sound like he has some stuff going on with him, and it's very odd the stuff he messaged you. Are there times you can go to the sports club when you know he's not there? Or any other options for different sports clubs? Also, I would consider not attending any sports club events for a while. I don't think you have to change your whole life to avoid him, but perhaps for 3-4 months it wouldn't be a bad idea to completely distance yourself.
You could also tell him after a while that you've reconnected with an ex, or met someone else. Maybe try to let him down easy while making it clear you're no longer interested, and reassure him it has nothing to do with his ED, if possible? I imagine that must be very painful for him. He may think that's why you lost interest? But in any case, he may back off if he thinks there's another guy in the picture and you've moved on.

Overall I totally get being concerned about this. But hopefully with some distance and time he will start to let it go. I think it would help if you weren't running into him for a while though. And if he messages you, you could wait a while and then reply in a way that is clear you're not interested and doesn't open the door to a conversation.

Have you talked to any friends or other people at the sports club about this? It might not be a bad idea either.