lasting depression after a break up-personality disorders?

Good evening guys,
tonight I feel the need to share a few (uhm, actually many) words, and hear opinions/advice. I'll be very honest about my story, I hope I'm not oversharing, nor too long... read if you think this can be interesting for you...
I'm sorry if this is not the correct forum.

I'm a 33 years old female. My difficulty at the moment is a persistent depression that I have developed after a break up. It's been 2 years! but mostly, the depression hasn't changed.
Tonight I just wanted to reflect upon why this might have happened, and whether our personality (traits? disorders?) and past traumas might have influenced our lives.

My struggles, I could say, started when I lost my mum, at 9 years old, due to cancer. After that, my life has started to spiral down. My father (probably suffering from some mental issues himself, after the loss of his wife) started to be violent and abusive. Not sexual abuse, but verbal or also physical abuse, like punching, kicking, hitting us... me, and my younger brother. After a year my father started seeing another woman, that he eventually married. To make a long story short, she was in a similar mental place, so she was mean, abusive, uninterested in our well being. She had a daughter of her own (my now "sister", though she isn't a real blood relative). My sister is a lovely person who shared the same struggles as me and my brother.

In that period I began feeling depressed. I began thinking about suicide, and making goofy attempts at it. I started cutting and scratching myself.
I started to distance myself from my peers. When I was a child, I was lively and outgoing. As a teen ager, I had become introvert, depressed, and feeling disconnected from every one else. I didn't know anyone else who was going through similar problems as I was, no one that always had a black eye in school, or a broken nose, no one that often didn't have food on the table... and such. I felt the boys my age were living in a different universe that I was, and I had nothing to share with them. We were miles apart...
My only reason for living became taking care of my younger brother, and acquired sister. I found in them my only anchor, the only thing that kept me from actually going throw with my plans of suicide.
I was their anchor, and they were mine.

When I was 18, another little anchor came into the picture, when father and the Missus gave birth to another baby boy. They said, they hadn't planned him. And they didn't want him. But it wasn't a big deal! The baby had a family, anyway: me, my brother and my sister.
So, when I eventually turned 19, I started University (that's what we have in my country, not "college") as a full-time single mom to a toddler, and 2 teen agers.

I had never "liked" anyone, to the point that I thought I was asexual. I didn't trust people, anyway. Not as friends, nor as boyfriends. People are selfish, and will only hurt you and abandon you! At least that's how I felt, back then. Besides, I also started to have some health issues (endometriosis) that weren't making my life any easier.

And after such a bright beginning, you would think, I was doomed forever??
(And yes, it turned out, I probably was!) But I didn't know it yet...

In my first year in University (paid by my grand parents and uncles, if you were wondering), something happened. I met this one guy... let's call him "T". T was, you know, "not like other guys". There was something about him. He liked the same obscure indie movies that I did, was fond of the same anime and manga that I was. He was... tolerable. More than anyone else had been, before.

And we talked. A LOT.

I used to write stories: original stories, and fan fictions. I wrote stories for him: the first person to ever read my works (without the privacy of a pseudonym). We studied together, and even started to build a little group of friends. I didn't even know what a friend was!! But it turned out, I had friends now.

One day, T accompanied me to a hospital visit. No one could figure out what was the problem with me (now I know: simple, common endometriosis!). When I left the hospital I was pissed, I felt I was going nowhere. The doctors wouldn't listen to me. And I leaned onto T, and he kissed me. I kissed him. We kissed.

For a while after that, I tried to run away from him. Guys, I did try! I didn't want to be in a relationship. I was afraid. Didn't trust anyone. But God I liked him too much for my own liking...

I found out that he had gone through some difficulties with his family as well (psychotic and over controlling father, economic difficulties...), things that he was embarrassed to share with people.
But I felt like finally someone HEARD me, for the first time in my life. Someone knew me. Someone understood...

And he had a way, of making me light up in every cell of my body. Even if any attempt of actual sexual intercourse would be very painful for me (thanks again, endometriosis). Every other guy that I had unwillingly tried to date before (pushed by my friends) only wanted to "get laid". And I was a broken toy... unable to give them what they wanted.

And then, with T, I found out there were hands, and mouths, and toys! That I was not completely broken. And that him running one finger down my spine, could feel like walking through fire- in a good way. (Sorry for the oversharing... which will continue)

I found out that my old friend *pain* could now serve me in another way... not only as a way to distract myself from emotional pain. It had become a turn on for me. I liked to be spanked, hurt (slightly), scratched, nails digging into me... I felt like I could never share this with anyone else, than him.

I mean, I knew other people were into it. But for me, there was only him.

After about 1 year of denial, we finally made it official. We would say we were a couple, not denying it any more. not to others, nor to ourselves.

And then, I'd like to tell you everything! every day, every year, every laugh and every smile.... But it is long already, you readers might be falling asleep. So, life went on. The years went on.

After losing one ovary, I finally got my endometriosis under control. And yes, we could have sex then.

We came to terms with our families, and tried to take care of our siblings together (he was the oldest of 3).

Eventually, we graduated.
We moved in together.

He always said that our small apartment was "a castle". And I was "his princess". And he was so lucky- he said- he couldn't believe it.

Actually, I was so lucky, I couldn't believe it.

The years went by, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years living together.

I didn't think I wanted kids, at first. I had enough of taking care of my siblings! But then... I don't know. There was something about, having our own little home. Our own little family... I felt like I finally had a family. And T, he wanted kids. He said it was his dream. Me being his wife, and the mother of his kids. And being able to give them everything we had missed, when we were children ourselves.

One day, he proposed, and I accepted.

I looked at that ring everyday... shining on my finger. And God, for so many years, I had thought I wanted to be alone, all my life! To cut myself, and write fan fiction, and just be alone...

And instead, what a conventionally happy life I ended up having! That I had never expected...

While I was planning my wedding (and trying to get pregnant at the same time), my best friend also gave birth to her first daughter. T and I was thinking about names for our future kids.
It was a happy time.

And I turned 30, and life was just... I don't know, a dream. I couldn't believe my luck- and I had better not believed it, in fact.

One day, I came back home. I was 31. it was 2 years ago. Months away from our wedding. Just a normal day- unless it wasn't. I came back home after work, and all the lights were off.

Ok I'll be quicker, I don't want to delve into this.
T informed me that he had decided to leave me. I could't believe it, at first. I thought he was joking. Then, that he was being delirious with fever. I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't listen. He said a few things, I worked too much, we had grown apart, he wasn't "in love" with me any longer, he didn't want kids. it was VERY strange of him. Or had I misunderstood him for 11 years together?? Apparently, I did...

He moved out of our apartment the following day, and stopped answering my phone calls or messages. I never heard from him again.
The next few days, and weeks, and months, were not pleasant.

I couldn't sleep, despite many sleeping pills. I couldn't eat, so I lost over 10 kg (I was skinny to begin with). I lost my job. I went from denial, to shock, to unbelievable pain. And all came rushing back to me: all of my fears, and my childhood traumas, and the feeling that people can only hurt me and abandon me, and I knew it, I knew it! I had known it all along but I had trusted him anyway, I was stupid!

And blaming myself, and questioning. What have I done wrong? Have I pushed him away?? And why haven't I seen it coming??

And worrying for him: was he alright??

I then found out that he had another girlfriend, and probably he was seeing this person even before our breakup. I'll never know for sure. I couldn't believe it though, he had treated me like his one and only "princess" for 11 years... never seen him checking out another woman.

Now I know, he has broken up with this woman as well, and he has moved out of town. He has lost contact with our friends. And I know nothing more about him, probably never will. I hope he'll be alright.

After the first few months, the pain lessened. I stopped trying to contact him, asking if he was alright. I accepted that I was never going to see him again. He was gone. He had been my lover, my best friend, and my family... the only one I had ever known. But that was the past.

Then, depression kicked in. Not pain, not extreme sadness (only at times). But feeling tired. Bored. Without a purpose. Just wanting to sleep. Or to die, because I'm tired of living. I feel nothing, most times: nor pain, nor happiness. I don't care about anything.
It is like being dead, but your heart is still beating. It's very, very unpleasant. It's like I remember from my teenage years, only worse.
It's like, you're not "living". You are just existing, with no purpose, no interests, no hopes. Waiting for your body to finally die, as your soul already has. And it's a painfully long wait.

It's been a year and a half of this, and I don't feel any better, possibly worse. Because I keep thinking, the past year and a half felt like 2 thousands! I cannot possibly resist other decades like this. At first, I welcomed this sense of "nothingness". It was refreshing. Better than acute pain. Now I'm so tired of it!!

I am nothing now.
I think, I died the night that T went away. I didn't physically die, but my soul did: my dreams, my hopes, my enthusiasm, the ability of trusting others.

I have not enough money for a consistent psycotherapy, one session every once in a while isn't helping me. Anti depressants and sleeping pills aren't helping me. My friends and siblings constantly pointing out that I am not actually dead. Why can't I just find someone else, build back what I had, and be happy??
It's not helping either.

I don't know, you guys. I DON'T WANT IT. I can force myself to do things, but I cannot force myself to want them. I don't care. I don't like people, I don't care about people. I don't want to build another family. I don't want more pain, I cannot trust anyone. And even if Jesus Christ would come down to earth to assure me he's giving me the perfect man this time, that will love me forever and never cheat on me and live happily ever after, and have many kids... I don't want it, it's so hard to explain!!
It's as if you are thirsty and then suddenly you are not anymore. They can give you water, but, who cares? You are not thirsty anymore. You don't want the water anymore.

So, to finish this very very long story, if you have read through it...
has anyone ever felt this way? what do you do about it? have you gotten out of it?

do you think my childhood difficulties are playing with me again, that I have developed some sort of personality disorder (avoidant?)...
or a severely unhealthy attachment style, were I don't want anyone, I fear intimacy, but then when I eventually trust someone, they abandon me, and then I want to avoid people even more??
Has this problem a specific name?

Is it something I can change, or is it just who I am, how I am hardwired?

I'm not "at peace", I feel depression is sucking the energy out of me (I don't care about work, about friends, about my appearance... it's not only like I don't care about *relationships* anymore). I want to care about other things again.
What I don't want is another relationship, but I struggle to face judgment from my friends and family. They are "going on with their lives", getting married, having kids, going on holidays, posting on instagram.

While I spend my days alone in my home, staring at the ceiling and waiting to die. Which I've found out, is not a socially acceptable pastime. Who could have guessed, uh?

And about my ex boyfriend, I also wonder, what personality trait (disorder?) does he have? If any. I mean, it's not like leaving me must be a personality disorder ^__^'. It can be just a *choice*, a "falling out of love". But, I don't know. It was so sudden, with no warning signs. Then he cut contact with all of his friends as well. broke up with his new girlfriend in a few months. and there is a history of mental illness in the family. we'll probably never know.
some said he was a narcissist, "love bombing" me in the beginning, then leaving me for no reason. But, I don't know. Maybe he was a little bit. I think, he thought of himself, that he was smarter than most. Maybe he was a narcissist?? I do think he was, anyway. Smarter than most.
And then "love bombing" someone for 11 years straight, I think, it is a pretty long phase, if you don't actually love them. Just to then, enjoy walking out of the door 11 years later? doesn't sound like the smartest of plans but, hey.

Guys, I'll give it a rest for tonight. Any thoughts you have, will be highly appreciated. About everything. Will help me get through today... at least. Thanks for the time you've given me, which is probably like, the most precious thing we have...

Bi

Personality disorders (per the title of the post) I don't know. It seems like you suffer (have suffered) a long history of depression. Naturally, this hasn't been helped by parents that neglected you when you were a minor and your fiance who left, inexplicably.

But you are 33, meaning you are on your own and must handle things independently. The upside is you responded well to meaning full relationship (over time) even though it ended poorly. My friend, who is older than you, and has suffered depression all her life has never had a relationship because of her depression. What I am saying is you might still react to support, even if it isn't directly, by finding a way to socialize and occupy your time.

You have already stated that meds and therapy don't work but you can try to change the meds or find a better therapist or support groups. For my friend, the one with depression none of these work because she won't involve herself in them. In fact, she despises them. That is depression. It sabotages the very things that could help. I have Bipolar Disorder and self-destructive methods are different.

Anyway, as I said, at your age the first step is an act of will, a first step towards something better. In the peak days of your relationship with your ex-fiance, you knew how good life could be. Not just romantically, but life in general. I hope you find your way there again.