Anger and Resentment Towards Emotionally Vulnerable Partner

Hi everyone. I've been in a long distance relationship for several years, and we were fortunate to have the experience of living together for multiple consecutive weeks and months on separate occasions due to schooling/work being virtual. I am deeply, irrevocably in love with them, but have come to the realization that I haven't felt secure with them or able to trust them since our first year of dating. Feelings of resentment and anger and hopelessness have been accumulating over time, but I repress these emotions because of the vulnerable state my partner is constantly in. I have social anxiety, depression, some traits of avoidant personality disorder, plus disordered eating and extreme perfectionism. I am seeing a therapist. When together in person, we sometimes become overly-dependent and enmeshed, but during long distance phases, he is non-communicative and distant and frequently shuts me away or makes negative comments towards me.

He experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and neglect from all of his caregivers growing up and has severe, untreated depression, chronic suicidality, and what I suspect is CPTSD. For years they clung to this plan of dying by suicide on a specific date but had the courage and resilience to survive. Ever since they have experienced severe dissociation and derealization. There have been numerous occasions where they called me with active homicidal and suicidal ideation (including the means), revealing that no one else knows of their whereabouts and intentions, and that if I contact anyone or alert the police they will effectuate their plan immediately. During one of these episodes, after attempting to comfort them, normalize their ideation, and de-escalate, they kept making comments about how easy it would be to hurt and kill these people and they wouldn't feel a thing, and that jolted me into a panic. I did end up freaking out and saying "What do you expect me to do? How do you expect me to respond to this?". I know that was terrible and one of the worse things to say but I was so panicked I had vertigo and my heart was racing and I couldn't think straight. They later said that I made their crisis all about me, stigmatized their experiences, and said that because of how I responded to them, they won't reach out to me when in a crisis or any mental health provider. This ended up being true — he has attempted suicide recently and he didn't call me beforehand for the first time. I try to have conversations with him, invited him to vent or plan with me when he isn't in such a dark headspace but he doesn't want to engage.

They express morbid thoughts about death unexpectedly during our pleasant calls and activities, and I'm constantly on edge, feeling that I am responsible for their well-being and fearing that one mistake will cost them their life or the life of innocent bystanders. They also intellectualize and rationalize their suicidal thoughts, and there have been times where they sent paragraphs upon paragraphs of dense philosophical argumentation about the meaninglessness of life and the futility of continuing on. I'm put in the position of rationally arguing for them to continue living on and I'm not intelligent or educated enough to debate at their level and it causes me to feel so overwhelmed.

I have encouraged him to find a therapist, assisted him in the search by compiling megalists of affordable providers in his area, informed him and offered resources about different therapeutic modalities, helped him draft messages to potential providers, offered to be his accountability partner, offered to help him through legitimate "self-help" therapy books, and support him however he needs most. He completely stonewalls me during these conversations (it's easy to ignore someone in long distance — his most common strategy is to give non-committal or vague responses, or ignore certain questions altogether, and when I reach a certain point of exhaustion and hopelessness I stop checking in, until months later he reveals what I knew to be true all along but was too afraid to seriously consider — he had no intention or made no forward motion towards a plan). He is briefly willing to meet with a professional after a mental health crisis — usually coming dangerously close to a suicide attempt or an episode where he is brutally cruel and insulting towards me. Usually he breaks down in tears, apologizes for hurting me, and says he will do anything to preserve our relationship — even go to therapy. But these plans never materialize, irrespective of how much work I do, and there have been occasions where he lied about meeting with a therapist for months.

And a few weeks ago, he did make a suicide attempt and had to be hospitalized. I struggled with intrusive images about him dying and feelings of guilt and responsibility. It was the same day we spoke for hours about a housing search, so I feel I put to much pressure on him. I have been processing these emotions with a therapist and really have devoted myself to being supportive of him. I am doing everything that is in my limited power currently to help. I'm so afraid he won't get therapy even now. He has an appointment but it's weeks away and I'm so frightened he will cancel and lie about it. But beyond the horror, sadness, guilt, and desire to support him...I feel angry and resentful. I'm intensely fearful of abandonment and feel cripplingly insecure in the relationship. As I said, as an attempt to push me to separate from him "for my own good", he says really cruel things to me. Sometimes he's in that state for weeks upon weeks. It causes such a dense fog that he genuinely can't remember half of what he said afterwards. I know he isn't gaslighting. He genuinely doesn't remember the extent to which he hurt me.

I am a perfectionistic and high-achieving person, and I made the choice to defer my plans to enroll in graduate school or a competitive internship so I can devote more time to my own mental health struggles and develop a more balanced life. He was immensely supportive of this change of pace. For a year we discussed moving in together. For 6 months I searched for jobs across the state he lives in. He was weighing a lot of factors against one another when deciding on a specific city to live in, so I couldn't apply for these jobs — just research. This caused so much tension. He was, again, non-committal and vague about moving-in together, but also talked about how much he loved me, how he needs me in his life and can't wait to marry me, and how excited he was for us to begin our life together.

One month before I graduated and was due to move-out, I became overwhelmingly anxious because he kept ignoring my texts about logistics and his housing search, and he revealed that he never intended to pick me up on the specified week, hadn't began an apartment search, and had no intentions to move in with me. He said I would have to better manage my anxiety before living with me wasn't a "net negative". He said he wasn't going to reveal this until I finished exams — 3 days before my lease expired, leaving me housing insecure and economically precarious. This dredged up so many memories of him vowing to come visit, being non-committal, then revealing he never booked the flight. Saying it was too much effort, that it wasn't worth it. Beginning to veer the car backwards on a major highway, drop me off at home, and return to his family who needs him more than me after promising to stay with me. Saying he would chat with me for 20 minutes every few weeks for years because he had other more weighty obligations. This happened over and over again. Again, he broke into tears and apologized and vowed to do right by me and begin the apartment search. Then a month later he had the suicide attempt.

I know it isn't right, but I have been acutely depressed the last few months, and I viewed living with him as my lifeline. "I can manage these last few months of school and work, I can brave a few weeks at my parent's house, and then I can finally start making needed changes in my life." I know this was wrong. But he knows how rapidly my mental health deteriorates when I stay with my family, and now I am stuck in this purgatory indefinitely. I genuinely believed being in a different environment and under less work stressors, and with someone who loves and cares for me would help me make these needed changes. Now I'm stranded in the house without a car and no friends or confidants. I'm going from being at one of the top universities in my country while holding a job and getting involved in community organizing to being completely jobless and stuck living with my parents indefinitely. My self-worth has plummeted. If he told me he didn't want to move in together I would have applied for post-grad stipends and gotten work in my field. It wouldn't have altered my feelings for him. I would still love him. I would have had the ability to readjust and plan accordingly for myself and advance towards my goals. It's too late now. I feel so stupid for trusting him when he apologized and said he would start looking for housing. I know it's all my fault for not making back-up plans and contingencies but I so desperately yearned for this to work out and for him to love me and decide I was worth the inconvenience of a move and not abandon me that I just..decided to place my faith in him. I have been experiencing intense suicidal ideation. I fantasize about it for hours every day. I can't sleep. I lack the focus and cognition to apply for online work. I am so consumed by self-hatred. I don't trust him anymore. There is no stability in the relationship. It's getting so hard to suppress these intense emotions and thoughts while striving to be the "perfect, supportive" girlfriend for him. I can't start psychiatric medications at home, something I planned on doing soon. I don't want to leave him. I can't bear the thought of it. I can't even tell the people I'm living with about his suicide attempt. I can't talk to anyone about him or they'll tell me to break up. I've just been shouldering it all alone and am reaching the limits of what I can tolerate. Obviously this is a one-dimensional account of the relationship and he has many wonderful attributes. I just feel unloved and unvalued. For years I feared that the rub would be wrenched out from under my feet and it finally happened.

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about this for both of you. I'm not sure what advice I can offer because both of you have severe symptoms to work with - the kind that a professional therapist needs to handle over a longer period of time.

You seem very intelligent and well-versed in the various symptoms and diagnoses of mental illness.

Since a clean break-up seems not to be a solution at this point, I would say you still move in a direction that helps you take care of yourself exclusively. That doesn't mean leaving him or breaking up. It just focusing on yourself for now. And yes, I think psychiatric meds might be a good thing.

Otter wrote:Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about this for both of you. I'm not sure what advice I can offer because both of you have severe symptoms to work with - the kind that a professional therapist needs to handle over a longer period of time.

You seem very intelligent and well-versed in the various symptoms and diagnoses of mental illness.

Since a clean break-up seems not to be a solution at this point, I would say you still move in a direction that helps you take care of yourself exclusively. That doesn't mean leaving him or breaking up. It just focusing on yourself for now. And yes, I think psychiatric meds might be a good thing.

I'm sorry, but I wrote what is maybe better suited for a journal. I'm going to try to meet with someone a second time in real life to have a conversation about things. I also feel bad because everything I'm saying is so me me me centric and overly long, but I don't have outlets yet haha.

Thank you for taking the time to leave this comment. I think I'm beginning to follow it in earnest. I'm beginning to re-develop a self-care routine, develop/strengthen family bonds/friendships, work on obtaining a driving license, and search for jobs. I just wasn't in the headspace to do it earlier, and my therapist said I should try not to get bogged down in self-anger because I'm just now making an effort to rebuild my life. I'm beginning to re-evaluate the relationship, but for the past three years I envisioned them as my life partner, so it's overwhelming. I feel cold and "evil" for beginning to reconsider everything when they're so sweet. And I'm concerned about their own well-being and know that I'm practically their only source of support. One of my distorted beliefs is that my life will simply end if we don't move-in together by a certain date, so attempting to shift that mentality has been hard.

Since my initial post, they were dishonest with me about several important things concerning them going to therapy and moving-in together, but are finally beginning to make progress — their second therapy appointment is this week, and I am genuinely proud of them and optimistic about their future. They've tried to be more considerate of my feelings, and have been more upfront when communicating with me — even things that are difficult to say because they're upsetting. Still, the timeline for moving was pushed back and they weren't upholding what they said they would do, but I stopped being pushy considering how much stress it caused them and accepted it being forestalled a handful of extra months. Now, as advised by their therapist, it's being pushed off indefinitely. But I just feel completely checked out and disengaged, and when I think of them, negative memories from the past few years just flood me. It feels cruel and non-sensical to want to end the relationship when they're finally taking care of themself, after we persevered through so much and (I disliked how "martyr-ish" this sounds), and I invested so much time, energy, and other resources and made so many sacrifices for the relationship, that I overlooked so many things — even them blatantly telling me on dozens of occasions that their behavior was unacceptable and I don't deserve it. And while that is reflective of their low self-esteem, I am beginning to feel this anger build up inside of me. Confiding in someone about my experiences with him and seeing their horrified and concerned expression helped solidify this. I was intensely defensive of my partner and refused to share anything that was happening because I was concerned that they'd tell me to break-up with them. The fact that did happen should give me a moment of pause. But then the pendulum swings and I'm overcome with self-loathing thoughts. I'm pathetic for putting up with this. They wouldn't have treated me that was if I weren't so obnoxious and insecure and sensitive and selfish and stupid. I let them, so it's my fault. No one else would ever find me attractive or love me. And there were periods where I was so insecure and needy and overly-dependent on them for my emotional needs that I was toxic. And they put up with me! Why can't I support them any longer? And while I'm normal a very patient person, I find myself growing irritated...just by their presence, or making these petty critiques in my head. None of them are coming out, but it feels so ######6 awful.

There is absolutely no framework they can provide me for the future and as a very type-A, goal-oriented planner, that's killing me. And I no longer have any faith in plans we made in the past, because while to them maybe it was a fanciful and pleasant thought, I was serious and was formulating ways to integrate both of our goals into a shared future. They say they don't understand me not being content with long distance with an indefinite timeframe (I didn't bring these concerns up; just that I was struggling with the long distance and missed them — we haven't had a video call in over 4 months, and had less than 5 video chats in the past year, so I am feeling completely disconnected. We don't have shared experiences, and our only communication is him calling while on a car ride and texting occassionally, but he doesn't even have notifications on for the app we use most to text. That's more than before and I'm appreciative but it isn't enough. Am I unreasonable for wanting more, even though I recognize this is all he's capable of?) but it's complete agony for me — now the immediate future is long distance, but what about the 4-8 years I spend in a grad program out of state? I can't bear the thought of this dragging on forever. And even beyond his mental health needs, is this the person for me? Our personalities mesh so well, and our world view is aligned in many significant ways. And I do love them.

Once I began dating in my late teens, I ricocheted from relationship to relationship, and I think in certain ways that stymied my own personal development. For now, I think I just want to be alone and find a way to be content alone instead of investing so much energy into another person and relationship. I spent nearly a month just fantasizing intensely about a fictional character (I was completely preoccupied by romantic fantasies for 12+ hours a day, isolating myself or thinking about them while I mechanically go through the day) and having daydreams about exes. It just feels so embarrassing, and I don't know if it means something is wrong with me or my needs aren't being fulfilled. But I worry that I'm blowing everything out of proportion and just have overly-romanticized and impossible expectations for a partner. I am just so unhappy with every aspect of my life and am so angry for making professional compromises for someone who wouldn't follow through with their promises, even though they only neglected to follow through for a reason as severe as being suicidal. Then comes the guilt...Again. And what if they are my soulmate and I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? They're beginning to leave really sweet messages about loving me, about wanting to marry me, about being excited for our future together, things I yearned to hear for so long, and instead of feeling joyful, I feel sick, because I'm just beginning to doubt whether I want a future with them.

I guess I'm trying to parse out whether their comments towards me are acceptable or valid, but I can only give a one-dimensional account of things. Because if I am awful and selfish I want to know and change. I grew up in a household with abuse, so I'm not sure if I'm being too lenient towards them or having too high of expectations for how people should communicate with me. They have said, on numerous occasions (admittedly as an attempt to push me away while depressed. And when I recently asked if these comments reflected their true views, they apologized profusely and insisted they did not), that:

They don't care about me.
All I care about is myself.
I'm extremely self-focused and negative (heh, guess my long-winded messages aren't refuting that)
I'm unbearable to be around.
Said that I was awful.
I have no self-respect
Said that I was the most selfish person he ever met.
He can only stand to be around me 2-3 months of the year (our first summer together I didn't have many responsibilities and was light and carefree)
Told me all of the awful things his family members said about me without withholding things
Said that he had to defend me to family who couldn't understand why he would love me
When I confessed to binging for the first time, something I was intensely ashamed of, he said: "What could I possibly do in response to that? Express my sympathies for your poor impulse control? Drive up and give you some novacaine for your burning throat?"
Broken up with me over text and then immediately complained about how their relative's attempt to comfort them were patronizing, and then proceeded to talk about what a difficult choice it was for them and how much agony and heart-break it caused them. I tried to awkwardly comfort them as I was devastated and sobbing on the ground. Then, they asked about future plans, and when I said it's they're decision whether they still visit and that they should act in their best interests, they talked about how sad it was to miss out on a family vacation I had wanted him to join for years. I agreed, and they called me emotionally manipulative. This was mid-Summer after they: cancelled plans to visit me winterbreak but lied about it up until the very last minute and cancelled plans to live with me during the summer, so I already felt unloved and unimportant.
Remained silent when I asked for an affirmation that they loved me.
I'm fat (Just once — I'm the minimum weight required to have a healthy BMI and have struggled with restrictive eating since I was 9. They were extremely apologetic and said it was a verbal slip-up.)
They say that when I talk about my feelings, that I am manipulative. I try to use "I" statements and spent a lot of time rehearsing my thoughts before approaching them so I say everything "right"
They once said that I seemed like a sociopath (This, combined with the selfish comments, really terrifies me)

It's just disorienting. I know that these are only words, and they can easily be cherry-picked over the course of a three year relationship, but I never once spoke to him or anyone else in this way. And other times, he is intensely comforting and supportive. Is this how most people communicate at times, and I just have to accept that no one is perfect? Am I being unfair for latching on to things that happened months or even years in the past?

I know the things above are minor, but combined with these repeating actions, I just feel unloved and uncared for and generally unhappy with him. I know that there were more types of comments but I can't access them right now — I've been extremely anxious and haven't slept more than an hour or so each night for a few days. I guess another big issue is that, after confiding in him about my suicidal ideation, he responded that if I'm considering suicide, it's likely because it's the only thing left to consider, and that he won't force me to stay alive on his behalf. He curtly says that it's my choice to make, and he won't get in my way. This happened several times over the course of the past few years. I wasn't graphic about anything, and I conveyed that my ideation was passive, and that I was just frequently having suicidal fantasies and experiencing an oppressive and unshakable kind of hopelessness. I don't want to give the impression that I was "looking for attention" (I detest that phrase), but I did want comforting of some kind, an assurance that he loved and cared about me and that life can change in the future. But this comes from his own beliefs about suicide, so again, I'm just being unfair and the fact that he didn't say those things doesn't mean they aren't true; I shouldn't need assurance of things that are self-evident. Recently, I have been having a lot of one type of fantasy: where I have a plan to attempt suicide, but run into an old friend or partner, and even if I don't share my intentions with them, the experience makes me persevere for another day, or someone dramatically stops me during an attempt. I just realized that never once was my partner the "savior" in these twisted daydreams of mine. Sometimes my mind reaches so far into the past. But never him. I guess in many ways I feel like I can't rely on him. But he has demonstrated so much growth — a few weeks ago, I decided to communicate that I was feeling poorly about myself and it would mean a lot to receive an assurance that he loved me. I never communicated that so bluntly before, but he called minutes later to check if I was okay. So why do things that haven't happened for maybe 1.5 months weigh so heavily when now, in the present, he's being amazing?