Spouse Might Be Lazy?

I’m in my late 50s and got married two years ago. My spouse is actually a lifelong best friend and we lived together for two years before getting married. When we lived together I was working as a hospital executive making good money. About five years ago I established care with the VA and was awarded a 70% disability rating due to PTSD. I was medically discharged in the 80s and struggled for about ten years (homeless, poverty, misery). I finally started to get it together around 33. Went to college and started with bad jobs but worked my way up. I met my future husband during the bad years. He only had a GED and has always worked low paying service and restaurant jobs.

When he moved in with me five years ago he got a job as a cook. It was a lousy job but he did it and eventually got a host job in a nice restaurant. Meanwhile my mental health got worse. I ended up being hospitalized at the VA several times and eventually had to leave my job. I was granted 100% disability by VA and also received SSDI in about six months so I have a stable income level. SSDI is near the max because the last ten years I worked I had high paying jobs.

Since I “retired” I moved to SoCal as I was in the Deep South and being gay that’s not the place to be. With Covid we kind of figured my husband would be off work a while. Recently with money being tight he’s started job hunting. I told him we just need him to take home $1k a month. With the high minimum wage here that’s like 20 hrs a week. He’s looking for host jobs but no luck yet. I’ve let him know I’m hopeful he will get one so he “doesn’t end up back in fast food”. He’s commented he “doesn’t do fast food” and I’ve told him if that’s all there is he’ll have too.

He’s really not happy about it but I’m not either. I’ve spent over $8k this year just on dental work for him, thousands more on food, medical bills, everything. I make decent money with VA and SSDI but it’s still tight. I need him to do his part. Im starting to have thoughts maybe this isn’t going to work out. He’s my only REAL friend so I’m not sure what to do. Before we married I bought the house and we have a prenuptial agreement too. If we divorce even if I’m ordered to pay alimony for 1/2 the time we’re married I can manage. I’ll move somewhere cheaper and start over. He’s told me he has no where else to go.

Im just a mess right now. My therapist says he has “learned helplessness”. He’s never had good jobs, was not working five years while trying to get SSDI for bipolar (was denied) where he slept on couches. I’ve told him we need him to work until 64 so his Social Security is $1k a month. He’s said “I don’t want to work another five years”. Work sucks, I get it, I changed diapers as a CNA for years. I lived in a semi four years driving OTR. Even my lady job with the big $$$ basically sucked. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I have enough personal issues to deal with due to my mental health without the added stress.

Hi, I'm sorry I couldn't get to this sooner, I was away.

That said, I'm not sure what I can say to help. The obvious question would be - have you talked to him to the extent that includes that you may not be able to hang on much longer? I have seen “learned helplessness”, as your therapist said and I have seen it destroy relationships.

If I missed this I apologize but is HE seeing a therapist?