Sense of self-worth tied up in appearance

This is something I'm working on with my therapist but would appreciate any constructive or sympathetic feedback.

To make a long story as short as possible, my sense of self-worth seems to be tied up in how attractive my partner is. I'm married 22 years to a beautiful, wonderful woman who I'm lucky to have, but when I see younger, more beautiful women, I feel like, "I would have more self-worth if I were with that person instead of my wife". When I see those young, attractive people suddenly start dating guys, it hurts, and I don't think it's jealousy, I think it's a feeling of, those guys who now HAVE those girls are superior to me because they're with someone hotter than the person I'm with.

My therapist says this is one of the many results of years of trauma I went through as a child - bullying, emotional and physical abuse from my father, total lack of parental support when I needed help, constantly being told I was ugly and loser etc. etc. etc.

Side note: There were MANY other personality disorders I had that most likely resulted from that trauma that my therapist has been able to help me reframe. I used to think I was weak. I no longer believe that. I used to think I was unlikeable. I no longer believe that. I used to feel helpless and worried all the time. Now, I accept what I can't control but have the courage to stand up for what I CAN control. I still believe I'm not physically attractive, but my wife clearly finds me attractive, and I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks.

Anyway, I would love to be able to get this one hopefully last batch of rotten cabbage out of my head so I can go on and live my life. I would LOVE to be able to say, "I don't give a rat's left front tooth whether or not anyone else on the planet besides my wife finds me attractive" and know whole-heartedly that I actually believe it (I don't). I would LOVE to be able to say, "That girl over there is smoking, blazing hot, but being with her would not increase my self-worth one bit" and whole-heartedly believe it (I don't).

Constructive conversation welcome.

Hello - MoM

I was very happy to read you are in therapy and that you have made the kind of progress many wish they could enjoy. I also think you are on the right path (with your therapist) to get at that last bit of rotten cabbage.

Knowing that you are on the right path I will only add one thing.

Even for someone who has not suffered the kind of past you have, growing older can yield the same kind of feelings you are having. So I think you have this happening in addition to those issues that come from your childhood. As older adults, we wish for those younger relationships. Not even just for the younger person themselves but just for being young. Being youthful.

I hope this rotten cabbage is pitched to a bin soon. It seems like you have a good life with your wife.

Thank you as always for your compassionate responses otter. I will continue to provide updates.