Well, I opened up. Let's see if it bites me in the arse.

$#%^. I'm shaking, crying, bleeding everywhere right now. My most recent ex boyfriend, whom I am dearly in love with, needed answers because he was losing it. I broke up with him because of my psych issues, but also because I was too afraid to let him know the truth about my sexuality, and because I felt like I was "cheating" emotionally by being in love with other people at the same time. And damn if he didn't suspect there was more to it than my needing time to sort out my mental health. So I did it. I opened up. For the first time to a "real" offline human being ever. And worse still, to someone who matters incredibly much to me; we've been friends since elementary school, mates for a year, and very close friends since then. I'm so afraid of what is going to happen. I'm afraid of him hating me, but I'm afraid of him continuing to love me, because it just isn't fair to him. He's so desperate, I know he'll say he wants the relationship anyways, but I can't force a sexual, emotionally and physically monogamous man into my world. It just isn't right.
I hate myself so f'ing much. I never asked to be this way. Why the hell wasn't I made heterosexual, sexual in general, and capable of loving just that one special someone? Was that really too much to ask? I mean, it's bad enough that I have an ED, I'm a fricken self mutilator, my anxiety is through the roof, I have wild cyclical mood swings that send me from suicidal to elated constantly, I hate physical contact, and I am completely mistrustful of other people. Couldn't one tiny little aspect of my life be at least a little bit normal? I'm so sick of being myself, I swear.
Now excuse me. I have to go bandage my hand and clean up the keyboard. Note to self, punching mirrors is a bad idea.

Raze,

I think that you choosing to share something so personal to someone you love is a very good thing.

Start loving yourself, and even though punching a mirror hurts you with cuts(this something I used to do), You want the best for you, and all those you love. You have blessings, even if you cant see them right now.

It is easy to say: oh just love yourself and you will be happy.
It is hard to make the best choices for your life. But no one knows you better than you. Keep looking you will find your path.

peace.
red

Mmm. Well, this was a bad idea.
First day I was elated because he acted like it was OK, he understood, and would love me no matter what. I was completely stunned because I didn't think it was even possible for anyone to love me as I am. I've never felt accepted before; it was a nice feeling.
But then it all came clear in one little comment that he thought my disinterest in sex was just a phase since I slept with him and my other ex and "didn't seem to be hating it." Curse myself for being a decent actress! I was so tense the whole time with my first ex that I had frequent panic attacks and never once reached orgasm. And while sex with this guy was about as good as sex can get when you're completely repulsed, disengaged, and freaked out with the whole process, I still just spent the whole time praying it would be over soon.
God, I hate myself for misleading this man so much.
At any rate, we had a long emotional talk - which I hated passionately and felt like my skin was crawling the whole time - and he basically expressed that he is hoping that not wanting sex in relationships and being polyamorous is just part of my mental illness, and that one day it'll get better and we'll have a normal monogamous heterosexual sexual relationship.
If it was that easy, I wouldn't have been so tormented in my relationships thus far; does he think I don't want to be normal or something? I've tried to get over a lot of this in therapy but it just seems to be who I am; I just never had terms to describe it until recently. I really, really wish it was that simple - sign me up! I hate this so much about myself that I'd do anything to take it all away.
::sighs:: So, there we go. Opening up? Results in a lot of senseless emotional pain and seems by and large worse than just lying about who you are, since it ultimately will turn out that people love you for what they wish you were, not what you are. Silly me for thinking there could have been another outcome.

Raze wrote:Mmm. Well, this was a bad idea.
First day I was elated because he acted like it was OK, he understood, and would love me no matter what. I was completely stunned because I didn't think it was even possible for anyone to love me as I am. I've never felt accepted before; it was a nice feeling.
But then it all came clear in one little comment that he thought my disinterest in sex was just a phase since I slept with him and my other ex and "didn't seem to be hating it." Curse myself for being a decent actress! I was so tense the whole time with my first ex that I had frequent panic attacks and never once reached orgasm. And while sex with this guy was about as good as sex can get when you're completely repulsed, disengaged, and freaked out with the whole process, I still just spent the whole time praying it would be over soon.
God, I hate myself for misleading this man so much.
At any rate, we had a long emotional talk - which I hated passionately and felt like my skin was crawling the whole time - and he basically expressed that he is hoping that not wanting sex in relationships and being polyamorous is just part of my mental illness, and that one day it'll get better and we'll have a normal monogamous heterosexual sexual relationship.
If it was that easy, I wouldn't have been so tormented in my relationships thus far; does he think I don't want to be normal or something? I've tried to get over a lot of this in therapy but it just seems to be who I am; I just never had terms to describe it until recently. I really, really wish it was that simple - sign me up! I hate this so much about myself that I'd do anything to take it all away.
::sighs:: So, there we go. Opening up? Results in a lot of senseless emotional pain and seems by and large worse than just lying about who you are, since it ultimately will turn out that people love you for what they wish you were, not what you are. Silly me for thinking there could have been another outcome.

Raze I am sorry I dont know what to say. I want to tell you to stick up for yourself and dont let anyone use you. Since the therapist gave you the words you need, let yourself use the your voice you when need too. I would be so angry and confused I would not know to do, If anything you need to love yourself first.

Best wishes,
red

Raze, I'm so sorry this happened with this guy. You are right, I think many people love you for who they want you to be instead of who you are.
Raze, you probably talked about this in therapy, but you did mention in another subforum that people close to you have been sexually abused. Is it possible that you hate sex so much becouse you are afraid the same might happen to you? Maybe you identify yourself with these women, on some level, and you feel a need to react to sex as they would, becouse you weren't able to deal with their abuse propperly. I don't mean to be insensitive, I just want to help you get to the bottom of things.