Grew up having to shut off emotions, now Im feeling them all

I grew up told by both my Mom and Dad to not feel anything that opposed that they thought was best. Often times if I had an idea or wanted to go somewhere as I got older, I’d get push back, told I can’t go. If I wanted to date someone they didn’t like, in my younger years they forbid me from communication, and as I got older they were just very vocal about it. Unfortunately, I hate disappointing people and I ended up becoming their greatest listener. I didn’t want to disappoint, and figured I could work through certain issues on my own that I knew they wouldn’t guide me through. Despite being a listening ear at all times for their struggles, specifically in their own relationship I’d have my dad come to me complaining about my mom, and vice versa, and I as their child had to encourage them to do what’s best each time- without getting this in return.

I’m now in my late 20’a, and I’ve been married 3 years. They like my husband, but they have treated my marriage like I’ve never moved out. Still showed up unannounced and stayed for hours, inserted their political opinions, and recently the biggest issue yet and what made me come to realize I’ve been their emotional support system my whole life, and they have not been mine. They have just tried their best to make decisions for me. When I open up, or my husband and I open up about something we’re struggling with, if it hurts either of my parents feelings or opposes their strong beliefs- then they shut it down and tell us they have no interest or the ability to help us or even listen further.

Over the last 2 years, they’ve been preaching to us why we need to move to a new state, despite us saying it would be tough to leave family where we are now. They’ve talked over us, they said the politics of our current state are too terrible to live in and our “safety” matters more than any of that so we should stop thinking in any other regard, move “back to America” as they liked to say as they spoke over us.

They ended up moving in June of 2022, and we said we could give it a shot when our lease was up in 2023. I love my family dearly, and would love to be close to them. But as of now, my husband and I are
1. Nervous this could negatively impact our business we’ve built for ourselves and adore and don’t want to have to change careers.
2. When mentioning this fear to my parents, they said “well then you change careers” with no sympathy
3. I do not want to step foot back into that emotional coercion. This will not be easy for my husband to leave his family behind, on a forced timeline it feels, and my parents don’t care about understanding that. How it impacts both him and I, not even just him.

They’ve said if we do not move close to them or at least a weekend’s drive away, that we will no longer be a close family. They said that’s just “how it goes” and that would be “devastating” to not all be together. They like to spend every weekend with us, often weeknights too, having dinner or going out to dinner, watching movies. It’s making me feel more and more than our relationship is based on bonding time, not emotional intimacy. And I’m running out of capacity for just bonding time alone.

Anyways, our lease is up in a few weeks. It would be expensive to extend, so if we stayed we would just move somewhere a bit cheaper. We feel bad going back on our word, but the last few months of having freedom to be ourselves without overpowering opinions and unannounced visits and just focusing on our careers, each other, and intentional visits with family have been incredible.

I’ve felt stuck in a loop thinking about all of this, hope to get into therapy soon but we’re on a tight timeline now so wanted to post on here to start.

Hello and welcome to the forums !

I think therapy is a very good idea . I know you feel under pressure to make a decision very quickly but I encourage you to re-read your #3 reason for not complying with their wishes . This should be the one and only reason for your decision .

Your parents are used to being a controlling force in you life . They will not relinquish that power easily and one of the tactics of controlling people is to wear down their opponent with a barrage of reasons , arguments and threats . for many people trying to escape that dynamic , low or no-contact can be a huge help .

You've experienced freedom to be an adult with a life of your own , to make life decisions based on the needs of yourself and your spouse . Why would you go back to the way things were/ ? Please understand that nothing short of complete obedience will satisfy your parents . Are you willing to sacrifice your own needs and happiness to provide that to them ?

Globetrottergirl wrote:We feel bad going back on our word

That "word" was not the freely-given promise of someone who truly wants to do what was asked of them. It was strong-armed out of you through guilt-tripping , steamrolling and harassment . It is your right as a human being to not only change your mind but to choose the path that is best for you , not be guilted or badgered into taking a path of someone else's choosing .

Not conceding to their demands does not mean you love them any less , although they will probably do their best to convince you otherwise . That's another form of emotional blackmail . My advice is to do what's best for you and your husband and to not buy into their belief that you must live your life according to their wishes because it's "best for you " . Only you know what's best for you .