Dealing with physical attraction

In as few words as possible, I am married, but there is another woman to whom I constantly feel INTENSE physical attraction, and I mean INSANE - it's not like I've never met beautiful women before, but for whatever reason, this ONE woman has managed to buy real estate in my brain and light fires inside me from the inside. She is so beautiful - not just her body (which by itself is incredible, and she KNOWS it, posting bikini pictures all over the net), but her eyes, her lips, her hair - she is just crazy, crazy beautiful. (You can tell she knows exactly how beautiful she is by how she does herself up to go out - clothes, makeup, hairstyle - she could be any type of model or actress she wanted.) Staying away from the woman helps, but to make a long story short, I can't stay away from her all the time - she's a BIG part of our family's life.

I saw the woman kiss another man and was devastated by jealousy for days. Eventually she's going to have a boyfriend - if I don't get these feelings under control by then I won't be able to function.

I know I'm not necessarily posting on a forum full of professional psychologists, but if anyone has any thoughts or experience about dealing with these intense feelings of attraction and getting them under control I will really appreciate it.

Is there a chance that she would reciprocate if you made a move? If not, at least you don't have to worry about that - there is no chance of you being unfaithful.

The only thing I can think of is that you make a concerted effort to avoid her. You can't enlist anyone's (wife) help because that would mean having to tell the truth about this situation.

This kind of obsession is good, naturally. Are you generally the obsessive type?

Sorry for the delay, I didn't notice anyone actually responded. Thanks by the way.

I didn't mention that I'm married. So making a move is not an option. I want the desires I feel toward that other woman to go away so I can focus all of my energies on my own family.

Am I normally the obsessive type? Depends on your point of view, but I can tell you I've never been this obsessed with a woman in my life. I do avoid her as much as possible, but like I said, I can't avoid her all the time.

You did mention you were married but sadly this often doesn't stop people from getting involved with another, so I am happy that you know your boundaries. Too often infidelity leads to a train wreck. But that doesn't change the passion inside, which can be so distracting (to put it mildly).

Obsession of this kind is not unusual. Even in healthy marriages partners will be attractive to others but it usually is just a passing thought for the most part.

I wish I could think of something that would help, beyond just avoiding her. I know a therapist sounds "serious" but I look at them as someone to talk to, someone who isn't involved and knows the ropes for issues like this.

Again, thanks for the response, and again, sorry for the delay, there must be an issue with my notifications. I am going to start seeing my therapist again later this month - I had to take a break from therapy for awhile because it was taking up too much of my time and my money, but now I see that I need it, not just for this area of my life but others as well.

So far nobody's aware of any magic pills that make you stop being physically attracted to someone else, so we'll see what new tricks my therapist has up his sleeve. I'll post updates as I deem them relevant. Erst the while any and all constructive comments are welcome.

I do want to mention that as a "coping technique" (and because it can only be a good idea) one thing I've started doing is literally starting every single day with the thought, "What can I do to today to make my wife and daughter happy?" It's really made a tangible difference - I mean when I make a concerted effort to make sure my focus is on my own family, it doesn't ELIMINATE the feelings for the other woman but it certainly gives them less chances to manifest. And I can look back at the previous hour or day and think to myself, "I made my family happy today".

My wife is a beautiful woman too. I created a folder of the hottest pictures of her going back as far as several years before we met. I look at that folder every now and then and it reminds me how lucky I am to have her. This other woman is beautiful too, but a bird in the hand... you get the idea. This technique doesn't solve the problem either, don't get me wrong, but at least it HELPS to keep me grounded.

Yep, no magic pill. And I imagine such a pill would not discriminate and you may end up not being attracted to anything or anyone. Depression can have this effect.

But the residual effect of your coping technique certainly seems like a good thing. I am glad you are working on this. I only hope some relief will come your way - soon.

Just continuing this conversation to vent a bit and provide updates.

I've been able to go back to my therapist. I've been seeing a therapist for various mental health issues for years. I had to take a break for awhile because it was occupying so much of my time and money. But it became clear that trying to survive without that outside professional help was making me miserable.

He basically told me that my attraction to the other woman is 100% normal, 100% natural, absolutely nothing to feel bad about/beat myself up about.

He also told me that what I was already doing (focusing on my wife and daughter, staying off the other woman's social media, trying really hard not to look at the other woman's hot body parts but instead just look her in the eyes/face and treat her like she's any other human being) was 100% the correct approach. He told me it's going to hurt in the beginning, it's going to hurt for awhile, but if I "practice" keeping my attention on my own family, the thoughts/feelings I have about the other woman EVENTUALLY won't hurt so much.

I'll probably continue to post updates every now and then just to have an anonymous venting outlet.

I am glad you posted. It is always inspiring to read about someone who is taking active steps to get better and knowing that you found someone who you can trust to work with. I think your honesty and willingness to move forward is the key.

Making an update to this conversation.

I'm no less attracted to the other woman today than I was 3 months ago (it's actually been over a year in total that this obsession has been going on) and it's really starting to frustrate and exhaust me. I'm just sick of it. I don't WANT to think about that other woman but she has a death grip on my psyche and I can't figure out how to make it let go.

One thing my therapist mentioned recently was trying to decouple "I am attracted to her" from "I have to have her". I thought that was very interesting. There are some places I go where I see tons of beautiful women, often scantily or tightly dressed. In most of those cases, I just "enjoy the scenery" so to speak (as long as I'm not where the wife will catch me ). I don't feel like I "have to have" any of those women, and don't even really get jealous when I see them with other men (they often are). This one woman, I feel like I just have to "have" her. I can't just be attracted to this one, I "must" be with her, and when I see her or even think about her with other men it flat out HURTS.

I would love to get to the point where this other woman was just another pretty piece of scenery that I don't care about. Heck, I wish I didn't find her attractive at all, but my therapist keeps saying over and over "There is a medicine available that's basically medical castration. Short of that, never gonna happen bud." If I *could* decouple having to have her from finding her attractive it would be like removing a mountain of wet carpets from my head.