How to love - and live with - someone with mental illness

Hello, good people! I'm new here, so I really hope I'm not violating any board etiquette. I found this place while searching for resources and advice pertaining to my particular issue.

I've been with my Significant Other - I'll call him Allen - for 14 years, on and off. Our relationship has always been tumultuous and complicated, largely because he's bipolar. I won't claim that I'm a day at the beach, but dealing with that is on a whole 'nother level. We keep coming back to each other because the love is undeniable. We're *that* couple in a cycle of fighting, breaking up, getting back together, and driving their friends crazy. I'm betting you all know a couple like that.

About two and a half years ago, he was living with me in my house when he had a full-blown psychotic break. I'm talking delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, the whole nine yards. He was out of control and it was terrifying. It got to the point where I was concealing weapons, barricading doors, calling the police, and wondering what the hell happened to my life. Ultimately I had to flee my own home and take refuge with friends while I tried desperately to figure out what to do.

As I'm sure you're aware, forcing psychiatric care on someone who doesn't want it is extremely difficult. I retained the services of a lawyer and a social worker to help me navigate the byzantine legal and mental health systems and get him the help he needed. All the while, I had to sit by helplessly while he did thousands of dollars' worth of damage to my house.

It wasn't until his third involuntary commitment that the right combination of drugs was found to restore him to a semblance of sanity. By that time, I had secured a restraining order against him - upon his release he could not return to the house, come anywhere near me, or contact me.

For a short while he stayed with his mother in another state, but before long he returned to this area and got his own place, in part because he was already established in care here, and also because he wanted to be near me and rebuild some kind of relationship. Messages relayed to me through a mutual friend indicated that he was stable and functional, so I began to allow some tentative contact. I confirmed for myself that he was back to his old self, so we've been spending time together.

The last two years have been the happiest we've ever had as a couple. He's taking his meds faithfully, he's in therapy, and he's following up regularly with his psychiatrist. It's not quite accurate to say he's back to his old self - he's a kinder, gentler Allen. I like to think that almost losing me forever was a wake-up call.

I'm now in the process of selling my house and moving into a new one in the same town. Allen is soon to be priced out of his apartment and is worried about where he'll go. I swore that we would never live under the same roof again, but lawd help me if I don't want to ask him to move in with me. What can I say? I love him, and I want to share my life and my home with him. But then I flash back to that whole nightmare - the terror, the helplessness, the rage - and I can't go through that again.

Like I said, he's stable - for now. I know that won't always necessarily be the case. Mental illnesses such as this have a nasty tendency to flare up, and meds can stop working. I need any advice I can get on how to make it work, and how to protect myself and also make sure he gets the help he needs. I'll be happy to provide additional info and answer questions as needed.

You seem like a smart person. But intelligence and rational thinking only gets us so far when love is concerned. Emotion is a powerful factor in what guides our life.

After reading your post it is clear to me that this is about you and not about him. As I said, you seem intelligent, so you know what the shot is. You know that someone who suffers Bipolar 1 can become unstrung (especially when unmedicated) and can cause destruction to others and to themselves.

The best I can think of is setting up boundaries, should you decide to live with him again. These boundaries are not so much for him but for YOU. Stick to them and there won't be so much guesswork. There is also another strategy. Maybe Allen could move to a very small place, even a studio, but spend most of his time with you.

I am Bipolar 2 with OCD. I have sacrificed a family to work hard so I could become stable. I am ready for a relationship now. It's not easy. You know this.

Good luck - Otter.