I'm new here and posting for the first time. I need a place to vent as i'm in the middle of a break up. I'm a female, diagnosed with Autism last year. I also have OCD (cause of the autism)
So i have a relationship since two years with a man who is also on the spectrum. We saw each other in real life briefly and after around 6 months he contacted me online asking to if i was interested in joining his band. That was a lie tho, cause he just wanted to go on a date with me. I was flattered, given the fact that i always felt insecure about myself and unsure about my looks. I have been bullied a lot in school too. I look beautiful but i don't have the kind of modern beauty many people have, so i always thought it was due to that factor. I'm kinda obsessed by my looks - Whenever i pass a store window, i watch myself if i'm okay. So being with my boyfriend, whom is a few years younger than me did give me a boost.
He told me i had this Wow factor, and that he liked me very much, that he wanted me really bad and thought about me very much during thise 6 months. But somehow, my intuition told me to be careful and not trust him for the most part.
On our first date, he seemed uninterested, and would look around without paying much attention to me. He said that was cause he was being nervous. Looking around at people, was down to his paranoia, he always used to say. At the end of our first date, he would get this panic attack, he suddenly was unsure about things. Did not know if he could make me happy and was afraid to hurt me. At that very moment i thought honestly, something was wrong with my looks again and that he did not want me. He also talked about his ex girlfriend and that it was hard etc... but that he got over it. (apparently not so much, since he mentioned her on our first date in anxiety) I comforted him and told him it would be alright and that i'm here for him. He then calmed down and kissed me.
And at that moment, i knew we could become a couple.
We then had our second date i believe, and that was the time it felt kinda official. I suddenly saw Tinder on his phone (dating app) and just kindly asked him about it. He said ''Ah, it's ages since i used that, i can remove it right now'' I smiled and he removed it. I then told him more about my jealousy problems but i think i did not tell him how severe it was. He did not seem to mind and he did understand. Before the 3rd date i believe, there was silence for a couple of days...I did not hear from him to the point where i was getting worried and i contacted him myself. Things seemed to be normal, he just told me he is like that. He is also a big gamer, so i think he was doing that a lot. I enjoy gaming too, it's a big part of my life but i'm also interested in other things, and i have a wide variety of interests. Anyway, it was not long before my real problem started to show.
My jealousy became more and more intense and i started controling him to the point it was not healthy anymore. I asked his passwords, he was not allowed to be on the internet or go out, not watch tv anymore , etc... And i was terrified of the possibility he might look at someone else. So he had to turn his head each time a female passed by.
He actually came with an idea himself, to look 'down' instead of up, cause he had this problem where he would watch people out of being paranoid (afraid someone would laugh at him etc) and this looked really weird, like magnet eyes. It would confuse me and make us fight, so he simple tried this. That worked well, but not always smoothly. He promised me he did that too, when i was not around, even at his job. He let me to believe he always did that and always looked away. But i never believed him and he got angry and told me it was time for me to believe and trust him. He made me feel guilty for not believing him, two years, to be exact. He also told me i should trust him and that he did not touch any porn since 5 years or more. Later i stumbled on his history, on another account. An account that i did not know before. He called his mom to ask if it was hers (pretended he forgot it was his) and there was porn on it but it stopped at around one month prior to us chatting. He said he never touched any porn since we were together and that i should believe him. But what i don't understand is this second account and him using his Ipad for a while on this account. He told me he used the Ipad to remove old stuff cause he knew i would look into it, but somehow the porn he erased was appearing still. We got into many arguments and i would get panic attacks due my autism - it did not look pretty at all. But mainly because i just felt something was off...He was not completely honest i thought. I also have OCD so i would ask him obsessive questions such as ''When exactly did you stop your porn use, are you sure you're not doing it anymore?" Over and over again, and each time it would be the same answer more or less, but if it was a little out of order, i would become hysterical. Poor boyfriend had to deal with that stuff :'( I was just being so unsecure, such a low self-esteem and i blame myself every day for it.
On valentine, he broke up with me, or an attempt. And he told me, everything he told me about having the same values in a relationship, were not true and that he thinks it's totally normal for a guy to look at another lady, maybe not to the point of lusting after her, but just look. Now, in my relationships, that's a really no go. I just can't have this. And if you notice you look at someone, just quickly look away, but i don't want my boyfriend to look at someone else if it's not by accident. He later told me, all he said was not true, he just said that cause he was angry and wanted to break up etc..
But a couple of days ago, i was talking with him and noticed a picture online from his work place, and he was in it. He looked straight up into the camera and there were a few ladies in the picture. I told him this and showed him the picture. He first did not tell me about this work thing (he always tells me every day what he is up to) and he said he lied, the two years we are dating, he never looked away, it was all not true...
The values, the things he said, the things he said about the past, all lies. Our relationship was build on lies. Even tho, he always let me believe, it was love on first sight, he told me, he still used Tinder during our dating (and perhaps partly into our relationship too) as he wanted to find a good girlfriend and a backup for in case it did not work out between us. He was always pist when i would ask about this Tinder activity i saw on his google history and always said google was to blame etc and that i would rather believe google than himself. There was something wrong with me for not believing him, but my gut feeling was right. AND, it was not love on first sight. Hes mom told him to be careful dating me, that he should not get into it too soon like he did with the ex girlfriend (he is a mommy's boy) so he continued using Tinder for some time. When he told me he removed the app, he reinstalled it behind my back again. There was never such thing as wanting to know me better and wanting me really bad. I think i was rather a nice option than a goal and so were the other ladies on Tinder probably. So to sum it all up, i was right about him lying about his past, i was right about him using Tinder still at some point, i was right about the fact that he was not so much into me like he always let me to believe. I felt dissapointed, as i finally thought, i had a guy who was madly in love with me at first sight. That never happend to me, or rarely. Being not so social, i found most of my relationships online - and met the wrong people, even had a couple of bad experiences as a teenage girl with men twice my age. I was always looking for confirmation i suppose, about my looks and wanted people to 'want' me.
He lied about so many things but it feels like he was stringing me along. Being not the only one in the dating process is a deal breaker for me.I had met so many people from the internet and i was always a number. Now it was really refreshing to be chosen, but it was a lie.
Anyway, what i'm trying to say is... I know i'm wrong on so many levels
But i was doing a lot better this second year. And i told him i wanted improvement and i wanted to walk normal again on the streets with him and at least try it together. But he refused and said he was not ready. I also feel he let it all happen and did not really get involved with me enough to find a sollution.
I know i'm taking away his freedom, and i feel like a very bad person :'( And i know he might lie cause he is afraid of confrontation but i told him so many times to please be honest, that's all i needed cause have been let down by so many people in the past.
I'm really ambarrased posting this, but i hope to find maybe people with similar problems.
Feel free to contact me and stay in touch- maybe we would comfort each other?
Rose
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