I feel sad but also highly irritated

I want to pack everything up and leave right now but I miss the ghosts of when things were good. I don't feel bad about saying mean things to the person now but I feel sad if I had to say them to the person they were.

However I am really about to collapse under this whole thing. I wish they NEVER came back.

I actually want to reply to your most recent post but it has moved to the venting section and it's been locked. Because you deserve support, you will try it this way.

I feel very sorry for your difficult journey. I have the impression you are in a pickle. To me, it is quite clear you haven't been treated fairly and in your case I can believe that you've lost all confidence in professionals. It is sometimes a real via dolorosa to find a proper medic who takes you seriously. You haven't deserved all this suffering.
I am pretty sure you will find some day a person who takes you seriously and takes care of you. They are hard to find but they exist. Never forget to hope!