Destructive patterns of behaviour.

Hello.

It is quite difficult for me to talk about things I would like to tell you. I have a great problem with trust and relationships, not just with women, but also with my relatives. I have brother and sister, both of my parents are still alive. However, we live - I would say - next to each other, not together, as the family should live. I don't mean the location, but more like 'to have common business'. I didn't talk to my brother since 6 months now, same with sister. My father sometimes calls me, but I get angry always when he starts talking about politics, and he's doing this almost every time we talk. But the thing which worst is I can't trust people, or maybe I'm really afraid to trust people. Some people say that everyone of us had a bad childhood, so we should stop talk about it and start to live. However, it doesn't seems to by such simple for me.

It all started because my brother. I don't want to blame him, because he didn't do anything intentionally, but well, it affected me massively. He is 10 years older than me, when I was 8 he was 18. He was in age when he was meeting with girls just to have sex with them. He has friends who lived same way and I was really conscious about it. I become even more conscious of that when once upon a time as a little kid I was looking for something to play in his room, and I found a porn magazines hidden between vinyl plates. I remember the extreme emotion I was feeling in that time and how affective the pictures were. That was the moment when I started to become more and more addicted to this kind of stuff. I had friends in my age which from time to time were visiting our house and I showed that to them. Well, they liked it. It was really sick and ugly thing in our childhood. We sinked in it. I became addicted to porn for many, many years. Since that time, since I found that porn magazines there, I never again could think about girls and women without corelating it with sexual fantasies in my head. I believe that ruined my life. Moreover, I'd like to point out here my parents have divorced when I was 8 and I spent my childhood with mom. I become really shy through all my youth. I was obsessed with thoughts about sex, but my first time I had in age of 22. When I was closer to some girl, just as friend my brother was always asking me "did I already f*** her"? He was using such words. Somehow, he became a kind of always present being in my head. It's like I still here that questions, and it influenced heavily my personal hierarchy of values. I started to believe that I must have sex with every girl I have any relation with - even the most insignificant. It was really obsessive. I believe I lost a lot of skills to create a healthy relations with people. Actually, I'm in the point in my life, where I realize I miss something, but I don't know what to do with this.

All my relations with women are short term and harsh, because I'm so jealous. I can't get over the thing that she might have some other friends. It's like somewhere in my subconsciousness there is belief everybody think about sex with her, as I was thinking about girls through so many years. So I really can't let her be free, even if I have not a scratch of evidence she's doing something wrong. Do any of you feel similar to me? Could I have some advice how to overcome these patterns of my behaviour I developed due to my obsession? I would really appreciate any feedback.

Hi,

First of all, that's so brave of you to open up. That's the first step to setting yourself free. I don't think I have experienced it myself, but I see where you're coming from. Obsessions and addictions are real. It's not our fault. They have a hold on our minds and can really mess us up big time. But that's the thing, it is our mind, our brain, our thoughts. I know it is extremely hard, but you got to take control. Think of yourself as the alpha and don't let any messed up thoughts take over you, your life.

About trust issues, have you thought about opening up to your brother about this or about anything personal at all? Relationships are built with good communication. The stronger your bond through knowing each other well, the better your relationship would be. And our overall health depends on our relationships. No matter how physically healthy you are, when you are distressed and unhappy with your relationships, you would be mentally and emotionally unhealthy leading you to an unhappy life. The choice is yours.

The great thing about your situation is you already know and accept the issue, so the next step is to do something to fix it. If you are unsure and confused, try seeking professional help. Find someone with who you can comfortably open up.

I wish you well!