Hurt Feelings because we don't talk?

Here is a strange situation I face with my wife. She says I'm never available to talk about things and her feelings are hurt. However, I available most of the time and always asking if she would like to chat about anything, or I bring up a subject I know she is interested in talking about and she will usually say 'not now'. Then later she says her feelings are hurt because I'm not available to talk about things, and this is where it falls apart because I will say "what do you mean? I'm always asking you to talk and you can always ask me to talk. Explain it to me. Let's talk this out so we can get some understanding or figure why you feel that way." Then she will get angry and shutdown because I'm annoyed. I'll say, yes, I'm annoyed because I feel like she is the one 'not talking about things' and then she turns it around and says I'm not available and checked out, when in reality I put a lot of effort in being available and open. Part of the problem is when I see she is sad, hurt, bothered, etc, I want to understand and help make things better, but it does not seem like I can. I suggested we see a relationship therapist, but she suggests that just I go! lol. really. Anyway, I'm not going give up or abandon her, but I think I just have to resist responding defensively to her false accusations. She has anxiety and social avoidance disorder, and her mental health suffers for many years now, so that is also a factor. We still have a lot of good moments despite it all and we are close, but her mood is up and down like a yo yo. After ten years of therapy, she was kind of resigned to the fact the system can't help her, so I'm the only person in her life and you can imagine that situation. But for this post, the issue is that somehow she transfers the responsibility to me to talk to her about things she wants to talk about. So how is it she can say she has 'hurt feelings'. What does that mean? To me it implies that her feelings are hurt because of me, and that's what I react to. When women say they have hurt feelings, can it mean something else? I don't get it. It's quite frustrating and I don't know if this issue is due to her mental health issues resulting in an irrational interpretation of a situation, or an inability to see her own role in this.

Hi. I read this and your other posts.

These are some of the things you described: becoming her "positive self" when she goes out, an early history of emotional abuse, how easily she is triggered by any annoyance or impatience on your part, her seeming not to remember the times that you say that you're available to talk, her mood being "up and down like a yo-yo," and that therapy has been ineffective in helping her so far, over many years.

I wonder if anyone has ever considered a dissociative disorder as a possible diagnosis. They are often misdiagnosed as other things, and unless someone receives specialized therapy, little progress is usually made.

I've been married for over 30 years, and my husband and I just thought I was very moody. He learned to stay out of my way when I was in a mood where I didn't like him or was easily annoyed by him. I don't forget specific events, or lose time in an obvious way, but I don't always remember what I've said in a conversation. I have a lot of social anxiety and avoidance, but also can function well in a professional capacity at a job.

Three years ago, I started seeing a therapist who has expertise in dissociative disorders, (it's kind of a long story as to why), and with his help, I started to realize that I have a fairly extensive dissociative disorder due to childhood trauma. It explained a lot of things, and my behavior, moods, and the way I've lived my life--all those things have begun to make a lot more sense.

Clearly there is a lot that is very positive in your relationship with your wife, and it could be that she has very different "sides," some of whom are able to function fairly well, and others who might be more emotional, easily hurt, and less able to cope with daily life and an adult relationship. Those different aspects might be very dissociated from each other, and have very different feelings about things.

This may not at all be what's going on with your wife--I just wanted to raise it as a possibility.