i can't keep anyone in my life s.o.s

hello..since when i was very little i've had family restrictions in my interaction with other children. i always was extremely needy and dependent and craved a lot of interaction with people around my age group, usualy older or younger a few years.however all my childhood i was motivated to regard others in a very self centered detached egoistical competitive way and see them as enemies and competitors, or as somehow unatainable, detached. my family made sure i was brought up in isolation from the world. the funny part is that they truly belive that it was me. they say i was always a very antisocial kid who didnt talk to anyone.. they are all narcisits and some of them sociopaths. my mom was always negletive.. i dont think it was intentional at all but she wasn't there when i needed. like through all important and traumatic parts of my life she could never protect me. also she never cared about anything that went on with me and let my father rule everything he wanted . my father was always abusive emotionally and physically. he enjoyed taking advantage of the fact that my mom didnt care to abuse her and us. he is sick and depraved, however he has a tiny good side as well.elementary school i never got to get along with anyone. everyone already knew each other and i felt left out. also they were closed minded people and wouldnt understand someone with gender identity problems like me. middle school i got bullied to the school by cis gendered power driven do anything to be popular people. also couldn't get along with many people due to gender and other stuff. the thing is most people i ever felt a conection with were older. some were younger and it was never in school. these conetions were made hard by family initially and by social rules after. by the time i got to high school there was someone there i really liked and felt relly conected to but i was already so @!@@@! in the head that i couldnt make it happen. problems started pilling up so bad, in college i was just too shy and afraid and panicked to be myself . there were a few people i conected to but i couldnt make frinds with them. lately i started talking to a girl that used to be from my university she even invited me to her house. but after a few weeks started ignoring me !? why do people do this to me? on the side of this i turned to online friendships because i was always so needy and depeendant on people i couldn't survive on my own. ever since i was 16 i have had online friendships however none lasted. a few lasted like 6 years though but they werent very healthy. other than those few everyone i try to befriend online loves and talks to me for hours in a row for the first few weeks and then ditches me like the trash? i dont get it? help me pls

Hello.
There are a lot of factors which would determine what the issues are surrounding your abandonment by others. I don't have enough info, really, but if I had to guess it's that you come to rely on their attention to feel better about life and yourself (which is true for everyone, don't get me wrong, we all have a need for social interaction -- it DOES make us feel better, but there comes a point where we have to break free from it and self-suffice).

We need to love ourselves. Do you? I mean, do you think of yourself as worthy of love? If you do, someone else will too.

In this modern world a lot of people want everything to be instant, also. So, developing long term friends can be difficult. I think whenever their are differences, people can easily shove it aside and not work through and communicate any problems to one another. It's the instant thing, again. Many of us want our problems solved easily. And, so many are hooked on screens, phones, etc. So many distractions. A lot of people don't have much time and space and mental clarity these days, I think.