Bad breakup

giliakis wrote:I had't thought that way back then...You are right. That girl was not bad, but actually she used to support me only if she hadn't to sacrifice something important. For example, it was easy for her to get me breakfast a time I was ill, but she was too selfish to sacrifice something more important than five euros I knew she was selfish and I accepted that because I am not also a perfect person, and frankly speaking, no one is perfect. Maybe that's why she was always denying to talk about the issue I made the topic for, and she new how upset and irritated I was. I loved her, but now I feel that I made the right choice to break up with her, as difficult as it was.

It is a mind turn around to start seeing it a new way, and doesn't make you a bad person for wanting something back.

Personally I'd say with children or pets, expect to give far more then given, because they are innocent and learning. With other adults? It also necessary to make sure the books balance regularly, or you risk being run over. Would be nice if it wasn't so, but if you are not clear what you need, most others will take advantage. If she is an adult, she can handle you need somethings too. If not, well, then you know what you need to know.

Best
xdude

I've been through a similar situation and i understand you perfectly. I understand that you wanted to help her, which is a good thing, shows that you are a good person. But in life you don't have power over other people, you can't control their decisions. If she doesn't realize on her own that her mother is toxic, there is nothing you can do. She probably has some PD's and she should seek therapy if she wants a normal life. But that is not your problem.

My advice would be to move on peacefully. Improve yourself, better you life, work 365 days a year on your purpose. Understand that in your life, you are on the driver's seat and at the end of the day, you are the one that really matters. This situation won't improve your life whatsoever. You are young, focus on your study, you will have time for serious relationships later.

My 10 cents

giliakis wrote:We broke up because I was keeping telling my girlfriend that she has better to cut her off, first of all for the sake of her own well being, but she was really pathetic. After a lot of arguments, we broke up.

You have moved on but just pointing out a couple of things to think about:

1. Like many have already said asking someone to cut ties with someone else is generally not a good idea. Its better to determine what it is that she wants (i.e. To maintain the relationship, to cut it off, to improve it etc...) and then try and be supporting of the person in what they want (not necessarily what you want for them).

2. You mention she was being "really pathetic". That sounds a bit judge-y. Even if you were trying really hard to conceal it she may have senses that you had some negative opinions of her or her actions (generally doesn't make someone feel very good). If you were not trying to conceal it then its even less of a surprise you treat someone in way they probably don't want to be treated and you get a negative response.

Its not her job to change or impress you etc... its her job to live the life she wants and usually people want to feel like the ones around them are supportive and hold a positive view of them. Calling her pathetic may have done the opposite of making her feel loved, cared for and secure.

3. You also mentioned "after a lot of arguments we broke up". This gives me the impression that she probably communicated to you that she actually wanted you to think/treat her differently (i.e. not tell her to cut off her mom or to not call her pathetic etc...). And I suspect instead of kind of taking to heart what she was trying to communicate you may have wanted to change her mind.

This sort of logic seems rational (I'm right, she is wrong, once she realizes she is wrong she will want what I want and be happy with how I have approached the issue) but in reality while you feel you are right her being a different person she will have a tendency to feel she is right as most people favor their own perspectives and opinions over those of others.

Anyways I'm not trying to beat you down at all. You sound considerate and you are openly sharing on here so there is no criticism of any of the observations / assumptions I have made, its pretty normal stuff and the only reason I may have recognized them is because I have made those mistakes myself.

I wish you the best, please give what I said some consideration if it may be useful. I think it could help you avoid similar situations in the future where you would want to stay together when you disagree with someone else's choices.