How do you move on.

Hello reader. Recently ended a relationship that spanned 18 years with my wife. I did something stupid and she said she had enough. We have 3 kids together. Ages 7,14 & 16. She has a store on the same street that we live on. So five out of seven days for the week we interact. It seems that in the two months that we have separated though, that we have been communicating better than when we were a couple. Its hard on the kids emotionally. To sew her almost every day then have her leave. I myself am finding it hard to do some days.
In the first few weeks of the break up, ahw said she'd never get back with me. And as time passed it was also that she found it hard to being the same space as me but still came and would spend hours daily chatting with me. She even asked me recently "if I came back, would it be the same." The years together, the memories, good and and bad, the kids. I will do everything in my power to make ammends. I'm not sure if she will grant me that, but we working on being friends. That's a difficult thing to do after so many years together.

Hi Anarchy77,

Maybe you just needed to vent? I didn't see a question in your post through. You might get more responses if there is a question. If just venting, all good too.

Being together for 18 years and having 3 kids...that's a lot of history together.

I have found that separation does give people space and allows them to come to conclusions about themselves. It seems like two are getting along a bit better, but you don't want to rush things and jump back into the same problems. I think it is best to give it time. One of my friends went through separation, but ultimately, they got back together after a year.

If I were in her shoes, I would think about "Do I want to start a new relationship at this age and three kids" or "Should I go back and work on the relationship". I would be leaning to the second option, but that just me.

Maybe you don't need to move on. Consider this as a reset of the relationship back to an earlier stage, before things started to be "wrong".

Instead of rushing to go back to your past dynamic, perhaps you should take it slow and explore a new way of carrying your relationship. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but don't give up just yet.

thanks for your advice. Excuse me if i get the name wrong. "Spyrith" thanks for that. its a great way to go forward and has caused a change of mentality. thanks again.

Anarchy77 wrote:thanks for your advice. Excuse me if i get the name wrong. "Spyrith" thanks for that. its a great way to go forward and has caused a change of mentality. thanks again.

Glad you found it helpful Best of luck to you!

Once the dust settles come back to this thread and say what happened. Other people might read and it could help them too.

I did what you are considering. It can be good or bad, depending on how the two of you go about it. What stands out to me is that you say you did something stupid and she said enough. You might want to explore that part a little more before making any decisions about whether getting back together is the right choice. In a relationship that long and with kids (I would know, mine is 20 years and 4 kids), it can be much harder to start over again than to just sweep things under the rug. You guys didn’t get to this place in a single day though and if you’re anything like me then there is probably more to the story. You can be sorry, but you also need to acknowledge what got you to the place where you made a bad decision. She also has to be able to look at what led up to her saying “enough” and leaving, and it was probably more than just a one time stupid mistake. If it was big enough to break up over once, then it will not fit neatly under a rug just because you are both lonely, tired and craving familiarity right now.

Working it out CAN be done, but it has to go slowly and carefully if it is going to stick. Like super glue. You can’t stress it before it’s cured, and ya gotta be really careful not to make a mess and glue random objects to the scar that will forever become a part of the repair. You don’t want to glue the resentment, and distance and sense of entitlement and distrust to the new phase of the relationship in the process. It is much harder to get out of your system the second time, and your kids will suffer for it.

but you don't want to rush things and jump back into the same problems.