Ummm, I think I really like this person.

Chucky wrote:She was one that never wore make-up, played basketball for the county & college, only wore loose sports-clothes, and never put any chemicals in her hair... ...she was perfection.

Oh Chucky. You should meet my daughter. 19 years old - has been on the varsity basketball team throughout high school and now plays for college - wears sport clothes and little T shirts - laughs easily and often - has long hair past her shoulders which is brown and softly wavy and looks beautiful blowing in the wind; she likes to put ribbons in her hair - doesn't wear any makeup and doesn't need to; her face shines with excitement and happiness - she likes and accepts most everyone she meets - she sings beautifully, from classical to popular and has been in choirs since she was 12 - she sparkles with life and good nature.

Lifesong

... ...are you trying to set me up? Ah no, she sounds lovely indeed. Perhaps we would go well together even more because I play the violin. Her with her voice, and me with my violin; we could make beautiful music together!

Kevin.

Chucky wrote:She was one that never wore make-up, played basketball for the county & college, only wore loose sports-clothes, and never put any chemicals in her hair... ...she was perfection.


Kevin.

YES! Totally awesome. I totally know the type, and lucky for me, a women very similar to that just walked back into my life (I knew her from highschool, hadn't seen her in 6 years and she just popped back up on my life radar). Very exciting. She has tattoos, wears crazy clothes, is "all identity" and doesn't really care a thing about image (all the stuff in the hair, make-uping, stuff).

I really this woman: we have the best convos, the best time together; lot’s of joyous fun. However…the sex for me, feels awkward, stilted, compressed, kind of “suffocated”.

I'm faced with 1 big contradictions:
1. I don’t want to “talk about sex”; I just want to DO sex; but if I just “DO” sex, then I fear violating her, a concern that might be alleviated by talking about it to see if various positions and such would be “okay” for her, but then if I talk about sex, the actual intercourse could feel too planned and not impulsive enough. This contradiction could stem from the “scripted movie syndrome”, where sex I’ve seen in movies (that isn’t real) just happens and maybe in “real life” people talk about it more. Also, sex is incredibly simple and I make it very complex; but from another angle, the whole “reproductive element to sex” that brings new life .

Another concern is that I feel like if I don't sexually act my prime and have a good time, then I could let her down and she could feel sexually frustrated (asking something like"why isn't her just having sex with me"). But on the other hand, I fear that talking about sex, could make it awkward. With this one woman, I feel like I really care about her, so the sex should feel special and I'm indimidated by her apparent presence of experience, and this actually makes me nervous so (don't mean to get too technical, here, and if this is inappropriate, please let me know), I sometimes have difficulty with erections, because I'm worrried about performance, because I care about her. Should I talk about this with her? I fear muddying the waters if I do, but it could clear things up. Sex should fun; it, very simply, should make people happy. I want to get there; to that state. It shouldn't be full of anxiety, worry, fear of poor performance, uncertainty, etc. it should be invigorating, fun, replenishing, rewarding, and validating.

LifeSong wrote:

Chucky wrote:She was one that never wore make-up, played basketball for the county & college, only wore loose sports-clothes, and never put any chemicals in her hair... ...she was perfection.

Oh Chucky. You should meet my daughter. 19 years old - has been on the varsity basketball team throughout high school and now plays for college - wears sport clothes and little T shirts - laughs easily and often - has long hair past her shoulders which is brown and softly wavy and looks beautiful blowing in the wind; she likes to put ribbons in her hair - doesn't wear any makeup and doesn't need to; her face shines with excitement and happiness - she likes and accepts most everyone she meets - she sings beautifully, from classical to popular and has been in choirs since she was 12 - she sparkles with life and good nature.

Lifesong

Good god, kevin, with your adventurous spirit, that sounds like a match! Women who don't care about their appearance either look kind of "disheveled", or the other extreme; they have, just raw natural, unique beauty.

Chucky wrote:... ...are you trying to set me up? Ah no, she sounds lovely indeed. Perhaps we would go well together even more because I play the violin. Her with her voice, and me with my violin; we could make beautiful music together!

Kevin.

Unrequited love=good music.

plicketycat wrote:Hi guys! Since you two are my friends, thought I'd just jump in and offer my totally unsolicited old married woman's perspective... you can shoot me later

haha! Actually your perspective with all its experienc could provide incredibly valuable insight. I read your message with open eyes.

I notice that a lot of guys of a certain age (15-27) seem to really focus on the utlimate hotties - they get totally hung up on the perfect 10's and then obsess themselves into virtual paralysis over her from less than an hour's worth of conversation.

Yessssss....

Then, they either don't have the stones to just go up and ask her out and face possible rejection (which totally sucks, so don't get me wrong), or they psych themselves out so badly that they act like a total dork when they finally get near her ensuring their failure, or they just never try and continue to obsess about her like she was "The One" and beat themselves up forever about letting her get away. These also tend to be the guys who lament about never finding love and forever being lonely, fated to a life with no wife and home.

Wow, You just encapsulated the bulk of my sexual, psychological challenges in a single paragraph! I feel whallopped. Fortunately for me (well about as fortunate as I can get given those options you provided), I'm the

psych themselves out so badly that they act like a total dork

type. I do not "lament and never try". Oh I try, big time, I've "graduated from the" overwhelmingly repulsive sensations of regret of NOT asking "The One" out and prefer the feelings of "I was just a dork" to "I never acted". But on the note of finding "The One". I've though about this, too. I think whenever a dude in that age range finds a "The One", usually that person isn't a good fit; many times the very psychological act of placing all this incredibly amount of meaning, significance, "perfection" on a person like that is a method of dealing with your (mine, our) own doubts, concerns, even aspirations. For example, if chucky sees this perfert girl as natural, uncaring of image, etc. and has a fixation with only one girl like that, maybe that's indicative of him wanting to care less about image himself. Or, I was in awe of how natural, at ease, and comfortable that women seemed with her body, so maybe that's something I actually wanted to feel about myself. now that an awesome person just walked back into my life (even if it only amounts to a terrific, friendship -- although it's heading more towards intimacy and passion -- great, too), I feel stronger to say that I think the best relationships are formed within, not from external definitions. Like anytime you encapsulate a person and place all this perfect beauty, perfect interests, etc. on her, you instantly set yourself up for failure because you isolate yourself from her with your very perceptions. Even if you get with that woman; it will, in your mind's eye, always be "you with that perfect woman" and never a sensation of togetherness of "us" of "we". All the best relationships I've had use definitions of how I feel around her, the reactions she creates in me, and most importantly, the beauty and fun times of "us" together. In short, the healthy relationships revolve around the people as a single synergistic unit instead of two "beautiful, perfect, or great personalty" individuals.

So, I'm definitely a weird non-feminine female who is assuredly not a "10" and was only "skinny" for about 16 months in my entire adult life -- but somehow I've managed to have several long term (longer than 2 years) relationships, including getting married (ok 3 times - but the first two don't count, they were practice), and I never really had too much of a problem getting laid when I wanted to... and I wasn't skimming the bottom of the barrel or hooking up for a call either. So what's my secret?! I don't get all hung up on the gorgeous guy and his superficial $#%^ like looks and money... I go for guys who are my class or maybe one click higher and who seem to have more than half a brain and definitely more than half a personality.

lol! about the "practice marriages"! Haha, wow, I didn't know married women used phrases like

one-time bootie call

. Good to know that language still persists after marriage;)

I go for guys who are my class or maybe one click higher

One insight into this; how do you know what "class" you percieve yourself as equals what class others percieve you as. You could easily "downgrade" your appearance and thus lower your standards, when other people could see you as more attractive than you are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - - makes determining your own "class" about as consistently reliable as trying to build a house of cards on a water bed (don't ask where that image came from!). The "sea" of others' varied perceptions undulates and changes and it's nearly impossible to evaluate your own "class". However, confidence should be derived from within and not from without, so I think it's always best just to view your image as great without comparison to others (your "image evaluation" -- for the sake of consistent, internally-derived confidence -- should not have a comparative element to it, but just a self-encouraging origin). This advice, by the way, likely is as much "advice to myself" if anything!:)

I think guys would have much better success with the ladies and find much more satisfaction with women if they were more realistic about their expectations. "She's my ideal woman, she's perfect" -- man, don't ever put someone on a pedestal that high because, believe me, they will fall off quick and shatter like porcelain...

Hhhmmm..interesting image and simile.

that is just not a healthy way to look at anyone. We all belch and fart and have bad breath in the morning...

Oddly, I think considering the qualities -- the no make-up, natural hair, loose clothes, etc. -- that chucky found attractive (and so do I) their would be a great openness and acceptance of belching and farting women! Given of course that they had other things going for them, too!

us girls (we just try to hide it more - society rule). I mean, if you're a 7 and you're trying to score a 10... you're going to be competing with everyone else who's trying to nab the hottie (there is an exception to this - I'll talk about it later) and most of those girls are only interested in how good you'll look as an accessory, what your status is and how fat your wallet is. It's all about supply and demand. But, damn, if you are a 7 and manage to nab a 10... chances are there is some seriously messed up $#%^ under the hood... major self-esteem problems and such... months of misery, I promise.

Yeah, again this whole numerical image, appearance ranking thing changes with the tide. Look at celebrity gossip, those "50 hottest males or females" reports. Number 2 in the nation may not even be found on the list the next year. I just think confidence, comfort with your image, and a desire to "be your improved self" is always the best ticket to staying attractive. I like your ideas, plick, I think you gave this thread new-found ideas.

haha! hysterical about that "seriously messed up $#%^". Very true, but also another possibility is that "beauty in the eye of the beholder thing" Your self-evaluation of a seven could be three points to low, or something. But, you're right, any time a "fixation develops" that revolves around possessive love -- love with demands, requirements, and expectations -- (an unfortuantely, quite common occurrence) things may not feel comfortable. Comfort in a relationship feels so important (and sexual comfort is the topic of that other post I just made).

Now, there are RARE 10's that don't get asked out by anyone because everyone thinks they must be taken... and they're happy to get asked out and are usually more open... so a 7 could succeed. But like I said, it's a bit rare to find one of these gems.

I've seen this phenomenon mainly in movies -- where the uber-nerd asks out the homecoming queen and live happily ever after, but the real-life occurrences could happen, too.

And if you ask a girl out and she says she's taken or makes some vague excuse... that's a big sign to leave her alone, she's not interested. Keep bugging her and it gets all stalker-ish which is such a big turn-off. I mean, she might come around at some point in the future, especially if you're both in the same general environment over a long period of time. Smile and wave casually from a distance, but keep your desperate lust off her and let her come to you.

Thanks, this is a helpful perspective. There exists a lot of male, machismo hype of "never give up", "you're going to give up after one try"! Etc. but that just sets you up for an unpleasant experience of "forced, or controlling love" -- basically an oxy-moron. Good, I feel reassured that I did the best thing.

You know I luv ya both... but love is so not a state of mutual bliss. Love, real long lasting love, is damned hard work with just enough moments of bliss to make it all worth it. But it's a nice ideal to work toward... keeps the gears oiled and motivated. Once I gave up on that "romantic perfection" expectation I found I was much happier with my partner and more emotionally available and able to be intimate. But, Kevin, I do have to commend you for having your own distinct not-entirely-male views on what constitutes a good relationship... definitely years beyond your peers

I don't think it's healthy to give up on romantic perfection; I think that's a healthy goal because it will encourage you to keep the "gears oiled and motivated" as you said, but I think it IS helpful to realize that that goal is unattainable, but strivign for it, in some unmoved mover kind of way creates a lot of positive energy and less complacency with elements of a relationship.

I constantly find ways to improve the relationship -- like if there's sexual awkwardness -- I really channel all my resources to try to overcome that. I feel like that's a good quality because it's not lazy, assertive, and ensures that "kinks of a relationship" get worked out instead of buried.

Lighten up on yourselves about ending "good" emotional relationships for "bad" sexual ones or only being attracted to women who you aren't emotionally connected to... dude, intimacy hurts at first, especially if you have any history of emotional abuse or any kind of self-esteem issues. I mean, really, shallow relationships are "easy" because it allows us to stay behind our defense mechanism nice and safe... but real intimacy requires that you be vulnerable and open.... icky icky icky for anyone with trust issues. It's great that you recognize this behavior isn't going to satisfy you in the long term... but give it some time and find (and destroy!!) those seeds of fear so you can eventually let that special gal inside your walls.

Hhmm... this clarifies a lot plick. Some oddities I've experience have been: "a desire for sexual fantasies to occur in reality, but then the shock of my anxiety around opportunities where they could actually occur" and the whole "it's easy to have sex in superficial relationship" clarifies why sex felt so simple with some women (my care for the relationship likely didn't have much depth) and so complicated with other women (I care incredibly about the relationship).

Both of you are intelligent, talented, good-looking guys who just happen to have a few "minor little issues". Sometimes when I read your posts, it feels like if I had a male version of myself and then split him in half between the AS and the PTSD, they'd end resembling the two of you. And honestly, you're both better looking than me and probably more talented too... so if I can find my special honey who loves me and makes the world a better place to live in, so can you!!!Just remember "Perfect is the enemy of Good"... I highly recommend you both read the Underachiever's Manifesto, it's an eye-opener.

Haha! Wow, thanks for the encouragement and the eye-opening, very cool split-halves male image thing! Would I be AS or PTSD? Again, looks are in the eye of the beholder and I've said on numerous occasions how "elementary" I felt hearing your massive knowledge base on religion. Wow. "perfect is the enemy of good". I REALLY like that. Is that from underachiever's manifesto?

P.S. I was born in US, grew up in Germany, traveled a bit in Europe and Mexico, and moved back to US... and I think American women are a bit naive and demanding in a pouty sort of way; British women are jaded and demanding in an entitled sort of way; German/Swedish/Norwegian women are a bit odd and sweet but don't ever get on their bad side because they will seriously mess your $#%^ up; Spanish/Hispanic women lean a little bit too much toward hysterics and they bring their entire family into relationships; and French women... well, it's anyone's gamble - you pays your money you takes your chances. But, hey, that's only my opinion and I'm not looking at them as sex objects or possible partners

[/quote] How would german/swedish/norwegian women "mess your $#%^ up". And I LIKE the kind of "hysterics" "bringing the family into relationships" element of the hispanic stereotype. I grew up with parents who cleaved off emotional invovled, who fragmented and partitioned their relationship and even individual emotions from the family, leaving me feeling very disjointed, like I could only see "very litte scenes of emotions" which felt very confusing, actually. Given that lack, someone who brings emotions into the family relationships sounds like a gift from God! Plus, I am near fluent in espanol, so that's a plus:)

One fear I have is, when I get into a great quality relationship, I fear liking the person "too much" and then expectations and visions of the future set in and they may not be on the same page and could really throw off the balance -- the equilibrium -- of the relationship, making ito serious. A relationships has an organic evolution; not a computational one; although relationships expand and evolve, indeed there exist no "upgrades" installments; it's much more nonlinear and dynamic; I just want to make sure I always give the relationship free reign and breathing room to "have fun with it" and not "clamp down" with some odd expectations. Maybe that's ego that does that and I should just strive for an ego free relationship as the meta-solution for a lot of stuff!

Chucky wrote:I think it's only kooz that is after the top-rated / 10-out-of-10 women. The type of people that you appear to be attracted to, plicketycat, is the same as the type of people that I am attracted to.

Hey, why settle for anything less??? . But really, I actually dislike the whole "excessive make-up" thing, too. I just have a lot of sexual attraction to the steretypical (usually highly superficial women); huge boobs, hour-glass figure, blond-hair -- the 10 typical blonde bomshell image -- I definitely sexually have an interest in that. But then there DOES genuinely exist another component of me that just wants that very emotionally invovled, caring, great relationship with the type of woman who doesn't care about image, who wears crazy clothes (just artsy stuff, not like tight skirts, and such). I feel like I either have to 1)date both such women (not a good place) 2)kind of "flush out" the interest in the more superficial, 10 women relationships, while having friendships with the artsy, natural, emotionally-healthy women, 3) find sexual fulfillment with the women I emotionally like.

Seriously, chucky, I can't help being attracted to 10 women -- that's why they're 10, right! -- can you? But a large part of me almost wishes I wasn't attracted to them, because of the likelihood of such a relationship have superficial emotional integrity (although that may not always be the case). I don't think there's anything wrong with being attracted to attractive women.

Skinny women turn me off; as do women who 'doll' themselves up too much. They look repulsive to me, in fact. The woman I love best (and am most attracted to) is one with little-to-no make-up, non-straightened hair, no fancy clothes on, and is of normal to above-normal weight. The emphasis is definately on simply looking natural, and not like a doll, for me.

Lol! I don't find the "dolled-up" women repulsive, but it can create an obstacle to the relationship ( ) if you fee like you're dating a mannikan or a barbie doll! haha. Sounds like you crave the genuine, simple -- likely the GOOD -- long-lasting things in a relationship. I wish a part of me didn't crave those superficial, societally typical things in a women, but I can't help it. I'm definitely glad I have an interest in the strong real emotional relationsihps. Hopefully, I'll either grow out of the the superficial attraction or just find an evolution so that it co-exists with the emotionally natural, fun, good relationships.

I say this to others guys and they are like 'WHAT!?'. The girls I am attracted to are generally not the same as other guys my age. People like Keira Knightly turn me off. In fact, the actress that I am most attracted to is Kate Winslet, and she is one who has been lambasted in the media for being too large. To me, she's purely divine.

I admire your awareness of your personal attraction preferences, chucky. Kate Winslet has a seriously sophisticated allure and attractive elemnt to her. She seems like a VERY talented and intelligent actress to. Maybe you've (unlike me) grown out of the appearance attraction and have embraced the old adage of "it's what's inside" -- like the mind -- that is the most beautiful.

A part of me is very attracted (what part of me? probably just the libido part of me) to women like pam anderson (the superficial type; a relationship in which I feel like the emotions of hte relationship may go nowhere and I'd be sexually jumping for joy, but intellectually, banging my head against the wall in agony). But then I also find "mysterious" women like alanis morisette and fiona apple, attractive too. They seem like "troubled people" -- and I, for some (hopefully not for some sick reason, but hopefully just for a reason of liking complexity) reason find that attractive. But then like an actress like scarlet johansen (possibly similar to your interest in Winslet) I find VERY attractive because she seems to have little problems, a lot of sophistication (intelligence), but "looks" like a total babe, to.

Actually, she [Kate Winslet] did succumb to pressure and lost weight needlessly. It was then that she appeared less attractive to me. I want a 'large' girl, not a skinny one.

Okay... Unless you mean "large" in personality, I think now I may have to -- for a short bout -- join the "others guys who are like 'WHAT!?'."! Okay, I'm back to me. It sounds like you -- and I can sincerely relate to your preference, although with not as much conviction as you -- SERIOUSLY have a repulsion to any "self-enhancement" gesture a woman executes. You would be viciously repulsed by breast enhancements or plastic surgery, right? And given your swashbuckling interest in adventures (like Robinson Crusoe), I guess you yearn for the "damsel in distress", fairy-tale princess image of a woman . You're the explorer, the valiant night, who saves the untainted, unblemished Rapunzel from evil doom, right? That sounds like mocking, but it truly is NOT. I've read a lot of male-female books (Men Mars, Woman Venus -- John Gray, for example) and he mentions the "knight tendency" of men. I think that's very healthy. Just don't get caught up seeking the imprisoned princess, while great relationships appear in your life.

You may think this is BS, but here's an excerpt from Grey's book

Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman's hero or knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval. A woman's approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesn't always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.

But where do you draw the line with that, kevin? I mean, what if the woman trims her finger nails or puts on lipstick, is THAT intolerable body mutation, too? I think one thing you should be concerned about is mispercieving things that women do to because they like you (like putting on lipstick or something) instead of "changing their image facade in a superficial way". Obviously the other extreme -- only focusing on image -- is repulsive, but demanding women act like a total tomboy (and a tomboy sounds like a perfect match for you, btw, and I resonate wit that because I would find a tomboy kind of woman just very easy and fun to share time with -- natural) and denying her womanly, feminine interests, sounds impractical. Again, man, your hobbies -- rowing, jogging, climbing, and literary interest -- i have huge amounts of reverence for and hearing about your intense outdoorsyness has actually inspired me to be more active, so don't feel like I'm criticizing you; I just had those thoughts come to mind as possible downsides to your genuine, and great interest in the "natural, unalterred" women. I mean, do you like women to always look like they just rolled out of bed?? I know what you mean. There's a fine line between always "being make-upped up" (you never know the person) and not caring about appearance. I think I just like women who get "creative" with their appearances the best! The middle road between not caring and over-caring about image isn't appearling because that just implies a "bland" appearance. I like spicy personalities. Overcaring about image (only wearing the most trendy make-up or something) is very, on the contrary, bland, I think, so I stand with the "creative" interest as a sure-fire preference. ABout the "knight and princess" analagy, I wasn't trying to humiliate; just make you aware of a tendency that you may have. I DEFINITELY do that "knight saving the princess" thing.
Keep on adventuring, Gulliver!!

plicketycat wrote:Yeah, I know you like the real girls Kevin... I even commended you for it. I love Kate and think she was very beautiful when she was a bit plumper and am a little disappointed that she succumbed to the diet pressure, too. I think the skinny girls just look sick... one of my best friends calls them "crickets" because there bones rub together and squeak. I mean, who would want to shag a girl they might actually break?!

Hey, I like REAL women, too!! I've written tons of poetry about a very REAL woman I fell in love with. A few women, actually. You can have sex with superfiical women, but you can only experience romance with real women, and I crave romance. But, on the flipside, I do have those moments where my reproductive organs "take over" and I find the hot, superficial women very attractive. I hope I evolve into some kind of union of those two strong interests!

Besides, I didn't want kooz to think I was just picking on him :wink

How could anyone ever think that?!;) Thanks again.

Kevin, man,
I've been thinking about the "real" women thing and the emotionally fulfilling relationships just feel so much more wholesome. They make me feel much more wholesome. My mood sky-rockets, I interact with other people with rejuvenated energy, -- life just gets uplifted when I'm with a quality, emotionally-fun relationship, REAL relationship. With the "just hot" women, I often, actually feel drained after an interaction, so I think in the long run (while physical appearance hotness holds some importance) the EFFECT -- the emotionally nourishing impact of a quality, genuine relationships feels of profound significance!

I’m pretty sure I have a tendency to “cut-off” relationships when I don’t feel confident or feel overwhelmed. This is a problematic tendency because I only reach “new ground” in a relationship for a few days or few weeks before “cutting it off”. It’s like too many questions arise about trust and her being more sexually comfortable and not knowing how she likes sex and a TON of confusion with that -- a lot of unknown, so my need for clarity causes me to cut off potentially good relationships and I REALLY don’t want to do that anymore!
I guess I can overcome that by just sorting out and clarifying what I don’t understand and what overwhelms me about the relationship and at least consciously defining some of the questions, so I can then try to figure them out.

For example, with this current relationship: I get HUGE jealousy issues. If some male friends visit her, I instantly have an inkling that they’re their to hook up with her. I also feel like people have WAY more sex , WAY more frequently and I’ve been left out of that loop and that makes me feel scared, actually. It feels scary to think that my sexual experiences were hard-earned, intense, challenging (and fun) times and then realizing that lots of other people are WAY more sexually comfortable, advanced, and experienced than I. If I get with a woman who’s way more sexually experienced, I feel like she just kind of “goes through the motions” and can only “be patient” for me “to catch up to her level” and can only be polite. If a girl is more sexually experienced and comfortable (although this is way outside the typical cultural gender nom, and getting outside of that sounds like a very good thing, actually), I’d MUCH rather prefer her teaching me things, like breaking into an almost outright “lesson”. I’d much rather have her do that than silently “roll her eyes” and think “this guy is so sexually boring” or something; meanwhile, I’m doing everything I can think of to be romantic ,sexy, sexually nourishing, etc. I think I’ve cut off atleast a few relationships simply because I can’t stand the feeling that the woman has had more sexual experience than me. This makes me feel like she’s 1)second-hand and 2)got this huge upper-edge on me. I’m just a VERY calculative,scrutinizing person at times, and that doesn’t go well with sex in a typical sense, but if I can turn that into a strength by just getting more information about what a partner needs and likes.

Someone please tell me if this post is getting “in appropriate” or something. Another thing that happens is I get sexually aroused easily, but then think that the girlfriend I’m with wants to take it slow, so I then try to go at “her pace” and feel very sexually compressed, frustrated – kind of like going 60 mph in the first gear, or something. I feel like acting on my sexual desires (like if I get “turned on” ) is inappropriate. I do end up having sex but it’s always in this amorphorous, mysterious process where I have no idea how it happened. I just wish we could declare like a “sex time” and just focus on that and then declare a “normal talking and interaction time” and focus on that. I just HATE – or atleast feel great frustration by constantly thinking of sex and knowing that if, on a date, we will get intimate “later on”, but not knowing when; this ambiguity causes me to not have as much fun in the “talking” part of the relationship and such; the friend part of the relationship. I’m sure someone could argue that a couple shouldn’t have a black-and-white “sexual relationship” and “friend, talking, normal interacting” part of the relationship, but if those could be clearly defined, I’m TOTALLy convinced I’d have SO much more fun in the relationship! I’d feel unrestrained, confidence, and lucid. There would cease to be ambiguity about desires and sexual needs and whatnot. Maybe this two-sidedness could stem from believing that I behave very different sexually and socially, but maybe the belief that such a difference exists, implies that I possibly even restrain myself socially, too. I just hate my sensations of jealousy, confusion, uncertainty, and reluctance around sex and just want to have sex feel like a fun, satisfying, pleasurable, exciting experience. Right now (with about 90% of my experiences) sex feels like I have a job to please my partner and it’s all about reading what she wants and burying my natural instincts and drives and then trying to force myself to get aroused when I feel like she she wants to have sex and it all feels very scattered and fragmented. This, most certainly, has a LOT to do, possibly with my upbringing. My parents showed VERY little intimacy, passion, and emotion around my brothers and I, so I feel uncomfortable and awkward not just experiencing sexual emotions and friendship emotions with the same person, but enacting on them. From another angle, that’s the best relationship though! You’ve got a sexual partner and a friend; but because of my weird fragmented over-analysis, it feels like this frustrating blend of confused ambiguity, stilted sexual interaction and frustration. The few times where it really was fun, it seemed like luck. She just really seemed to “know me” or I her and things worked great. I seriously have a strong conviction (although I don’t blame my parents) that growing up and seeing my parents fragment and partition their love for each other by only having intercourse in hotel rooms, and rarely showing more passion than a peck on the cheek in front of me, and rarely showing much emotion at all, that I – “through habituation and observation” – just thought that’s the way things are supposed to be, but I know that, now to hold no validity. You shouldn’t partition sexual interaction and fragment desire and compartmentalize it; it should happen passionately. Unfortunately, I can only “write about” how it should happen, and have difficulty acting it out.

Ideally, we should have a few drinks, talk a lot, have an engaging conversation, and then go into a “sex mode” where we just have wild, very animal-like, unrestrained sex and then go back into “normal person mode”. I think, possibly, I may have discomfort with my animal instincts. Sexual drive, whether you look at it religiously or biologically, is a very “primitive” drive if you look at it biologically, but according to psychologists like Wilhelm Reich, it can be a very spiritual interaction, actually connecting you to God. In Hindu, sexual drive stems from the Kundalini force, rising from the lowest, base, root red chakra. My parents primarily functioned – to put it in terms of chakras – in the higher chakras, the blue, throat (communication) or the indigo, mind’s eye chakra. Those are great places to conduct business, affairs, organize, and communicate from. However, if you want to live, you need to have comfort and experience and grace in all chakras. I rarely saw my parents live from the lower root or abdomen chakras, unless on the rare occasion that they got enraged about something (they always sectored off interaction – sexually, passionately, intimately, etc.) from other my brothers and I, so I only learned to feel comfortable in those chakras with friends and girlfriends, but that has been slow learning. Basically, I feel like I never experienced people comfortably living from their lower chakras, so living from the upper chakras feel more natural and comfortable to me. Just like my parents “concealed” the moments they engaged their root chakras, I felt, for awhile that should be concealed, too That ends up feeling very problematic because then you can never access the root chakra – get sexually aroused – around another person. But blaming my parents doesn’t help anyone, so I think just “doing more things”, more actions, will create more comfort in living from all chakras.

Additionally, I feel like I have a LOT of sexual energy. More than other people. You can say that all men feel this way, but I think I just have an above average amount of sexual energy. I try to sublimate and channel it with running and exercise and various projects, but, strangely, I feel the least comfortable being actually sexual with sexual energy!!!