Anybodies opinion cause it's been 5 years!

Let me tell this as simple as I can. Let me call myself Ken and the girl I met was Barbie. Barbie and Ken met and fell in love and Ken was 9 years older than Barbie (I was 34 and she was 25) and Barbie was also naive. 4 great years together and was going to go away to marry. But right before that Barbie had an affair with a " work friend" she worked with (an hour away) who told her she didn't really love Ken she was just comfortable with him. After Barbie told Ken, Ken told her that she was naive enough to listen to a guy that was just trying to get her in bed and did and that if she wanted to leave she could or we would work it out. Ken is a physician assistant but was not going to pay Barbies bills for her. She quit the job (and stayed in our town and got another job) and we stayed together. I little more than a year later Barbie comes to Ken and admits she occasionally drove to other town to see "friend" behind Kens back for the previous 8 months. Ken throws Barbie out and tells her to go to "friend". 3 weeks later Barbie comes begging Ken back, says she left "friend" and calls "friend" right in front of Ken and makes very clear she didn't want to have anything to do with "friend" anymore. Ken had met another girl and decided he wasn't going back to Barbie or at least wasn't ready. 6 months later girl that Ken had begun dating dies tragically. Ken is in shock, only felt comfortable talking to Barbie who was still single. Barbie and Ken get back together and slowly things get good again (honestly folks it did). Barbie and Ken get a new house and engaged again but set no date as we weren't wanting to ever have kids anyway. Barbie on Kens encouragement gets RN degree but then proceeds to gain 100 pounds and slept a lot cause she wasn't fond of working but did it cause of course that's what adults do. Ken this time was stupid enough himself to have an affair cause he started taking drug called GHB for energy. Barbie moves out for a year and during this year Ken got addicted (mentally as opposed to physically) to stupid drug called GHB which makes problems not feel like problems and gives tons of energy. During this year Ken could have gotten Barbie back as Barbie wanted to come back and talked regularly to Ken but Ken was too involved with drug and wondered if better relationship would be out there for him although he stopped seeing his affair partner and not dating anyone, just ran around town on the energy it gave. Barbie discovered Ken was addicted to GHB. Barbie met a female work friend who was having an affair herself and asked Barbie if she had ever had an affair. Barbie said yes. Female friend asked if she wondered what happened to him and with work friends help found Barbies ex-affair partner on Facebook. Barbie and old "affair-friend" got reaquainted that way and within 2 months Barbie had planned to move back to previous city with affair friend and move straight in with him. Ken finds out and asks Barbie to forgive him and he was sorry, foolish, and not turn her back on the time we had. Barbie did NOT tell Ken she was going back with old "affair friend", but Ken found out later. Barbie and Ken were together a total of 14 years and she has been gone now 5 years and most days hurt at least half as bad as the day it happened. Ken's issues? Well Ken stopped GHB thank goodness. But although Ken still felt he was old enough to know better Ken should not had an affair himself, was too dumb (even on a drug) to realize that Barbie was the woman he really loved, also upset that Barbie didn't try to talk to Ken when she found out he was on a drug. AND Ken also doesn't understand when Barbie left "affair friend" years ago when she finally started seeing what life with him was going to be like? She bolted from him, said he was the biggest mistake she ever made, called him right in front of Ken to tell him again to never call her again, affair friend gave her chlamydia during cheating time also. But Ken can't get over the loss of Barbie because even though he was on the drug knew he was really screwing up but did it anyway. PLUS! Most women I've seen when they are done with a guy, esp someone they had an affair with NEVER go back to them. I know I would never dream of going back to the woman I had the affair with. Any thoughts, analysis, advice, or misery loves company stories are appreciated.

Hi guys. I guess what I'm really asking after reading my saga of a post, is how many of you have really sad regrets that you let a good relationship get away from you? That's my real problem, regret. I feel like even though I was messed up on that stuff (it makes you overly energetic and a bit cocky, not walking around slurring words and stuff or forgetting the names of your brother or sisters and things like that), it was like I was looking for something I already had and "moving on" after blowing a slam drunk causes regret that doesn't fade easily. Has anyone else on here lost a really good relationship doing something that haunts you nearly every day? And how have any of you dealt with it?

I have no doubt you are in good company, people who regret damaging a relationship with someone they actually do care about, but the want for more, different, better, etc., ended the relationship. You've hit on the one reason that is invariably so difficult for the other person to get over. Choosing someone else over the person you care about can feel like the ultimate ego blow, sometimes unforgivable.

For whatever it's worth I think it's healthy that you are having regrets. It means you've learned something, and so next time will be less likely to repeat the same mistake. We humans make mistakes, all we can do is forgive ourselves eventually and try to do better next time. The hard part is to do both. Forgive yourself, but also to remember that regret as a learning experience so that you don't repeat with someone else. There will be someone else, eventually.

Thank you for the feedback. It's like being caught up in some computer program that sends you back to the first line of code when you reach the last line of code again. The regret that haunts most is I didn't see what a good support structure and a good person I had (yes she cheated, but she was young) and had a ton of time to get her back. I really am not "upset" over who she went back with as it was part of why I was surprised she cheated with him to begin with. He is by any opinion a slightly tubby troll who works in concrete while I am a physician assistant in a good area of medicine. I mean I suppose she got tired of waiting for me and he was "familiar", and I'm sure he told her to not chance getting caught up in an addiction. I simply hate that he was in an easy spot to be in as I tried to explain to her but trust me, he's a not a looker. If he were I would feel worse on a different level. LOL. I feel regret because of what I was too blind to, not that he BS'd his way back in although I couldn't imagine going back to someone I had cheated on my fiance with.

Hey,

Well as you know, it's common enough that cheating can kill a relationship. You're also touching on one of the reasons why. It can leave the other person down that rat hole of loopy endless questioning of 'why did you choose them over me?'; 'was I not good enough?'; 'what does he or she have that I do not?', and so on.

I don't know her or what she would respond to, but some people would advise let it go completely, it's been too long. Others would say it's never too late to send an honest apology, if apologizing is sincerely felt, and it doesn't turn into an attack (e.g., 'I did it because x, y, z that you did first). Not to get them back, but to give them the one thing they probably didn't get - closure.

THAT'S my real problem. For me it's been like trying to let go of velcro. Oh I did the whole apology thing but it haunts me and continues to haunt me daily. I WANT to let it go but it won't let go of me. A lot of lay people tell me to go to therapy. I work in the medical field. Therapists typically just want to put you on an antidepressant and will bring you in to each session and have you essentially "talk it to death". And they give you goals of thought, etc. My psych teacher in PA school said if we all had one best friend you don't need a therapist, which I agree. It's just my mind set makes it hard to forgive myself when I had over a year no BS to get her back. She even told me she had "ran into" the ex cheater guy. My thought at the time that I even told her was, "You would go back to the guy you had the affair with"? But it doesn't make me feel better that she did, although to me that does say a bit about how sorry she really was.