rOCD / OCD ...

Hi ...

I definitely have been experiencing OCD for a long time ... I also suffer from anxiety and depression ... I also have had Epilepsy for almost my entire life ...

I am 54 years old ... I am a retired Math and Computer Science teacher - I had to retire after 21 years due to the Epilepsy ...

Anyway, I feel that I definitely have rOCD - I have been going to counseling for a long time ... My therapist will not let me discuss rOCD - I must discuss only OCD with her - I am not to be specific by naming the problem as rOCD - I do not understand this at all ...

My wife and I have been together for 27 years - married for 24 years and dating for 3 years - we have a superb relationship - we love being together ...

My large problem is that I have thoughts about her constantly ...

These thoughts bother me so much that I cannot stand it - it has been awful - I deal with this every day and night ...

The largest rOCD problem that I have deals with her weight and her looks ...

I first asked her out within the school where we both taught in 1992 ...

When we began dating, she was currently working out daily - needed to overcome her weight problems ...

I was not aware of her having a weight problem at the time we began enjoying each other so much - she looked fantastic from day one ...

At this point, I have terrible thoughts about her mostly when we are in public ...

As an example, I often do not introduce her to friends of mine (I do not have many) - I do not want them to see what I have or what I have chosen and how I could have done so much better ...

I feel so awful both mentally and physically when I experience the thoughts ...

What keeps happening is that I seem to be having a problem with "image" - I have always lived in a very small town (we have lived there for 24 years) - Everybody knows what everybody else is doing in the town - "looking good" has always been important - My Dad, who is 85 years old, still practices "image" today ...

Do I want to be with her ?? ...

Do I really need to end this relationship ?? ...

Is she someone that I do not want to live with because of her weight ?? ...

We really do have an absolutely tremendous relationship - except for my thoughts ...

She does know that I have what I mentioned above - she actually attends my counseling ...

She could not be understanding any better ...

I just have not discussed rOCD very much - she has no idea how this is ruining my (ours) life ..

What do you think ?? ...

Do I suffer from rOCD ?? ...

I really need to understand and agree that I do suffer from rOCD - and what happens, what I do, etc is not my fault ...

Can anyone let me know if my thoughts and actions are actual rOCD examples - or am I being unfair to her by "keeping" her in the marriage ?? ...

Do I have rOCD ?? ... Is what's happening not my own fault ?? ...


I am suffering ...

Thank you very much for your assistance !! ...

Hello, and welcome!

I'm the OCD mod, but went ahead and let this stand in the Relationships, forum. It does sort of bridge it, I think.

williamn wrote:My therapist will not let me discuss rOCD - I must discuss only OCD with her - I am not to be specific by naming the problem as rOCD

That's because it's all OCD- anything else, is just a convenient acronym- HOCD, POCD, TOCD, ROCD... it's all OCD, they're just shorthand for common themes, they're not things in and of themselves. So sure, I could see the therapist being that way, about it, none of those are official in any kind of real sense.

As for your thoughts, which I can see, you find disturbing... I have thoughts along those lines, I think I have rOCD, sure. I tend to think I'm a bad partner, because of my thoughts. I don't feel as if I have enough 'good' thoughts, I don't feel as if I feel whatever attraction is supposed to be 'proper', etc.

And I don't like them, either.

I have to remind myself, that thoughts aren't actions. I also have to remind myself, that everyone has less-than-savory thoughts. But it's us with OCD, that obsess over having them, instead of ignoring them, or shrugging them off, or otherwise not letting them get to us.

williamn wrote:As an example, I often do not introduce her to friends of mine (I do not have many) - I do not want them to see what I have or what I have chosen and how I could have done so much better .

Oh man. Ouch.

That's a headspace I refuse to go to- and yes, being OCD, the thought crosses my mind, and I worry if I am ashamed.

Whenever I get that tickle in my brain, about my partner, I suck it up. I shove that thought down, and suck it up, and be unashamed. Because my partner deserves better from me. That's a mindset, I don't ever want to be in. You're gonna have to get over that, that's just wrong. I don't mean to be harsh, but yeah. You need to get past that. We're all subject to entropy. We run down, we fall apart. We lose our looks, we lose our youth, we lose everything in the end. Except how we're remembered.

I don't want to be remembered that way, and I don't think you do, either.

Being OCD, we can't always keep from noticing the thoughts we have. But we can keep from acting on them, and be defined by our actions. I have harm OCD- I would be a terrible person, if I were to be defined by my harm thoughts. But it's my actions that count. It's your actions, that count. Sometimes, when we're tortured with unwelcome thoughts, how we actually behave, is all we have, to keep us from going crazy.

Hi again !! ...

Thank you very much for your response ...

You are correct ...

I do understand that all of those labels are simply OCD - this is just very hard for me to not focus on the relationship - this by far is the part of OCD that harms me the most ...

I do agree - I never would carry out my thoughts ... Never ...

I just have guilty feelings like you would not believe ...

I must remember my wife in the way that she is - not what has changed over time ...


I really would appreciate if you continued to "talk" with me ...

I need to feel better - and I do just a little with your first response ...


Thanks again !!

I've always struggled with worries my feelings are genuine enough. Do I love them? Do I resent them? I feel as if my imagination always goes to other people. I feel similarly horrid, for my own thoughts. I don't know what the answer is, other than to remember the promises, that I've made- and to remember they have to put up, with an awful lot from me- it's not like I'm a real catch. And to remember, also, that I would have these same thoughts, and worries, and fears, and doubts, if I were with anyone.

I often accuse myself of not really being able to love anyone, other than myself. If that is true, then it's incumbent upon me, to at least fake it. My sense of loyalty, trumps my thoughts.

Hello ...

Thank you for your response ...

Do you think that I do not need to blame myself ?? - that it is rOCD / OCD - that it is not my fault ...

I do not love myself at all - mainly because of my thoughts that happen day and night ...

I will definitely keep all of my promises that I have made since the times when we were dating until the marriage and also afterward ...

I believe that my thoughts would happen no matter who I have as a partner (wife) ...

What do you think ?? ...

I would really appreciate hearing from you again - I thank you so much !! ...

Well... I blame myself, a lot- who else can I blame?

I do have to temper that, with knowing that there may be reasons, for the thoughts I think, that can at least explain having them. And that I'm not simply a bad person- that it's more complicated than that.

And I take solace in that I can't be defined by my thoughts. Only I know what I think, unless I should put it, into word or deed.

I've had a similar issue, though unrelated to any "pressure" about image, except for the one we are bombarded with by society about physical appearance. I went the opposite route, I brought it up whenever it came to mind and talked about it, I felt bad about it but it seemed worse to keep it in, felt like I was giving it more power that way.

I don't think it's OCD though per se, I think it's just an unpleasant reality trying to be denied. Physical appearance matters or CAN matter in a very strong way, even if proven to not matter. I've had girlfriends that would be considered pretty cute as well as average ones and overweight ones etc. etc.
I decided to try a little experiment with one of the "hot" ones just to try and figure the "looks" things out. At the end of the day it comes down to sex/physical contact or else what do looks really matter? We believe or are convinced it will make sex/intimacy better and for many that illusion will be proven true because they quite literally make it true under the same principle that works with a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not so easily convinced so during my experiment which basically involved paying particular attention during sex to the feelings and thoughts and everything to see how it differed. I didn't try this in the beginning because there would be obvious false positive results because of the "newness" factor so it wasn't until any novelty had worn off. Well bottom line, I struggled to find a difference in feeling, I tried and tried and all I could come up with was that it's all the same flesh and body and movements with different variations. But the mind was so stupid that it continued to want to believe something against the evidence. I could only account for this with some form of conditioning or brain washing that happens which is very powerful. But not powerful enough to not ignore, which is what I did and do but the "thoughts" can creep up but it gets easier with practice and even more easier if you've had bad experiences with "attractive" partners. I've also experienced less attractive girls being much more satisfying sexually/intimately than the so called attractive ones. How do we account for that? I guess pheremones and "chemicals" explains that. So that's one explanation.

The other is that you might have other unresolved issues or thoughts which are being presented as your "OCD" If you are content with your partner in life, sexually, intimately etc. the outside world/opinions shouldn't effect you and if they do I doubt the issue is "weight" or anything so silly.
Or even more simple, you just might not have a preference for a particular body type but feel bad about it because you know it's not your fault you don't prefer one look over another but also know it's most certainly not your partners fault. You can't make that go away if it really is just a preference and you either deal with it or you don't, depending how important one thing is versus the other. But if it's something you were brought up with and conditioned for, you can certainly reverse that but it will take work and not talking about it won't help in any way towards that objective.