Best friend break up. I really need some fresh thoughts/idea

The past year has really been a total mess for me. Panic attacks, severe depression, medication did not help, had to quit my job, anxiety has killed my already low appetite and I have trouble eating(as I am too skinny and eating seems like a do or die thing for me at the moment). I really had to do something. So I started off with a new therapist and decided to tell him everything. All the bad thoughts I kept having throughout all these years, that led to me being such a miserable person. One major issue that came up, is that I was just exhausted of being friends with my best friend any more. We used to share everything and loved hanging out with her, we were like family to each other. But somewhere along the way, my only purpose of living was to help her with her life and make her feel happy. I started saying "yes" to things I really did not want to do. Call her boyfriend when they were fighting, so that he would come back to her. Even being yelled at, if I was not saying the right things, or if I couldn't make him change his mind. Psychologically bullying me and ignoring me whenever I said no to something without using my depression as an excuse. Sometimes that was not even enough. I just had to say "yes" to whatever she suggested and pretend to enjoy it(sometimes I truly did, but that's a small proportion compared to the times I forced myself to go out). I was also the go-to guy for all her errands. No matter the time or place, I had to be there for her, otherwise I had to be "punished" for not helping her out. I always got the "you're the best guy in the world" as a reward, but if that guy is really not yourself, it's not enough. And it never should have been. I also started to feel guilty whenever I had fun without her. "Why didn't you tell me to come with you? Why did you choose to go out with these guys and not me?". It doesn't take many of those, given the dynamic of our relationship, to really make me supress my true self. I grew up with the false feeling that you only exist to help others(family issues is another chapter of my life, but let's not make it the longest post on reddit), no matter what they ask from you. Whatever it takes, if you really love them. Nobody asked me if I loved myself along the way. I hate the person I have become, mentally and physically. But I have decided to give myself another chance. So I told her that we can't be friends anymore. I blaimed myself and said that I am so anxious around her that I can't be my true self, and that she has not done something in particular to make me feel this way. I did not want her to know the truth. We would either lose time fighting, or she would tell me that she was going to change, which I know she will never do. And even if she did, I know deep down that I cannot go back to being casual friends with her. And she does not want that eithes, she wants to see me better so that we can be as close as we are now. So it had to stop. She has been really nice to me after our first talk, letting me know that she loves me deeply and that she wants to be there for me. But she cannot help me. And that is the last thing I told her. That she needs to stop thinking about how she could help me, as I don't think she can. I have also decided to let go of our common friends, as she thinks the problem applies to all of them and I don't want her to come back and ask "why just me?". I don't want to hurt her no more and I am not the person that is going to make her reconsider her personality. She feels great and confident about her relationships and the person she is, and I love her too much to ruin it for her. But I loved her in a sick way, so right now I want nothing to do with her. Bottom line is, was I right? Should I have done something differently? But most importantly, what are the next steps? How can I move on with my life(23 years old) and never think of her again? How can I find my true self and let him enjoy life without ever talking to her again?

Hey dprssd24,

dprssd24 wrote:... I grew up with the false feeling that you only exist to help others(family issues is another chapter of my life, but let's not make it the longest post on reddit), no matter what they ask from you. Whatever it takes, if you really love them. Nobody asked me if I loved myself along the way. I hate the person I have become, mentally and physically. But I have decided to give myself another chance. ...

I think you are being brave and insightful to realize this truth now, early in life, and if that means you need to step away from relationships and triggers for a while, you are doing what is right for you, plus also what is right for others (the resentment would just come out later anyway).

I don't have any simple answers but good to read you are in therapy. You know it's really hard to change our lifelong habits and thinking. It's going to take time, but so good to read that you are on the right track. Your feelings, wants, and needs matter equally. Others are not more important than yours. It's a healthy thing to learn, and you've already taken the hardest step, realizing you need to make this change so you can be happy too.