Forming Relationships

Recently I have been trying online dating sites and try and put myself out there, even asked someone out for a coffee at a bus stop after we had been talking a bit.
Long story short I haven't had much success at all, I know I am not the best conversationalist especially over text and I would consider myself kind of ugly.

Just wondering have others on here with depression/anxiety managed to get into a relationship? If so does anyone have any pointers, specifically where/how did you meet them? How long did it take for you to mention you struggled with mental illness? and also when would be an appropriate time to mention about self harm scars? Where you worried you wouldn't be able to connect with people and would just feel like you were faking feelings in a relationship?

Just tired of never being in a relationship still at 25, it was especially grating at my last depression support group as a few people where talking about recent breakups they experienced and honestly I was jealous, I know I shouldn't be but I was just thinking at least they managed to even be in a relationship in the first place.

Well in my humble opinion it's vital to take really good care of one's self, doing wholesome outdoor activities if possible and not seeking a relationship to bring healing. The worries you mentioned do sound like more of a symptom than a reality. By making friends first, you may find you develop some sort of care for them and vice versa. Be very kind to yourself of course when mood interferes with the caring. But do notice your innate capacity for care and concern. You may be underestimating yourself!

The prevailing opinion re. mentioning mental illness is that it's trust-building to say something about it before it causes an obvious disruption. A simple example: a person who has anxiety attacks might mention this before it occurs rather than after. This might be combined with a comment re. what you do to take care of yourself.

For example saying "I run 20 minutes a day and it helps me feel centered and calms my anxiety symptoms". A sentence like that delivers both of those messages.

shimtie wrote:By making friends first

This right here is the problem of many relationships. I need to elaborate on this one.

Does a friend matter "less" then someone you're in a relationship with?

If not then why do you not do things with friends yet do things with a lover?

This in turns leads to multiple other topics. Like "Do you make an effort to get to know me sooner or later". And labels like "love" can have their own complications. When someone is there for you to THAT degree, which is proof and evidence and what lies in the label, then that is the situation. Even if one wants to avoid the "love" label.

This in turn leads to topics like "You're there for them even if you consider them a friend". And at THIS point you yourself, as a "lover" must consider the possibility that your partners "friends" might matter just as much. though wherever they DO matter just as much can be another matter. Restrictions and lack thereof for example.

To get back to my original point, there's "getting to know people" and "People that are fully there and well known". Often "friends" are in the former or otherwise "Remain lower ranked then a lover". To that I ask why should I matter less when I make every effort to be there?

To add some context people can be hard on themselves for not being there back (eg: they hold back). At that point I see only one of two options. Either make the same amount of effort back (thus making it fair) or cut off contact because you can't handle it. The later has been offered yet was not an option. Because when you already know each other you want to hold onto each other. Which brings in the question of others.

This leads to its own topics but I'll stop there.

As for "outdoors" and "reality" you know not of what you speak. Many people are in happy and healthy online relationships (real ones). Though you can't do this on dating sites and a few lines of text. Needs either a proper chat app or something like Second Life. Keep in mind I am aware of the "fake relationships" (or otherwise online only ones). Regardless people in the physical world love being indoors as well. It's about what you DO together. Being "out and about without being around the lover" isn't engaging for both of you. That's you being out and about without them if it's an online, long distance relationship. Wherever being out and about matters much depends on who you ask. Just be sure there's a better reason then "just because". Often people put friends over lovers without meaning too. If that is a choice or a known situation then fair enough. It is the lack of awareness where danger can stem from.

In closing, all that relationship logic applies long before knowing someone well and being close to them. Things like communication and pushing for reasons about why people are there for you or not. More often then not people DON'T do this in the "friend" phase. Hence why I call the "friend" label bit of a problem. What exactly IS a friend? What exactly IS a lover? The last person that tried to friendzone me I ended up in a loving relationship with. Which is a good thing. But must people try to hide behind labels and use them as excuses when action and reaction proves people to be liars which makes us all feel bad? Happy endings but through hypocrisy?

Love has a funny sense of logic.