Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

I'm not sure if my ex gf suffers from either HPD or NPD or BPD. It seems a lot of what I have read matches up, but I could just be slapping a label on/fitting a square peg into a round hole. I know you can't diagnose but I figured I'd come here to see what people that have experience with these things have to say...

I met A Oct 2016 and immediately felt something I never have and I’ve dated and been with a lot of women. She’s a modern dancer and Pilates instructor. I work in finance on a trading desk. A happens to be my best friends girlfriends sister. I live with my best friend and A lives with her sister. Yes it’s a complicated dynamic.

She had a bf at the time, a month after they broke up A and I slept together for the first time. My roommate didn’t want it to continue and her sister told A she couldn’t date me. Every time we saw each other there was intense chemistry. 5 months later she’s “hooking up” w/ some kid and we end up sleeping together and both admit there’s something between us and want to date. Roommate and gf break up that week and we agree that we can’t see each other. A month later they’re back together so A and I start talking again, see each other, make plans to hang out. Apparently she’s been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. We date for 3 months, very intensely. No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each other’s places 3-4 times a week. I’m under the impression she is crazy in love with me and we’re about to get serious. She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying she’s not ready for a serious relationship and we’re in different places in life and she’s not ready to fall in love (she’s 23 turning 24 at the time I’m 27). I’m destroyed by the break up.

After this the following events take place: We sleep together 2 months later 2 weekends in a row, she flakes on 2 things with me, I find out she’s hooking up with one of my good friends roommates, she brings some kid she apparently hooked up with on that fam trip (we weren’t exclusive at the time though I thought we were about to be) to a friends party where I am (she winds up calling me the next day apologizing), she starts coming around more and we become “friendly” again and this brings us to this past July.

She’s leaving for a 3 week trip, we sleep together the night before she leaves. I think it’s just a one time thing and plan to use the 3 weeks to try and really get over her bc to that point I had not moved on. To my surprise while she’s in Italy she begins texting me and we start talking. She gets back and we start hooking up again pretty much every week for the next 2 months. During this time she’s telling my best friend she’s not ready for a relationship but likes me likes hanging out with me etc. after 2 months of this everything changes and she says she wants to be with me. “You’re special to me, being away from you made me realize I want to be with you, I’ve been an idiot, I’m done being scared, you make me happy, you’re the only one I want and will be exclusive to you and give you my whole heart and when you’re ready you can give me yours (I told her I want to give it a shot also but she’d have to prove herself and get my trust back after everything that had happened)” are things she said.

We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. Quickly she introduces me to her whole family. Talks of future plans like trips and owning a dog together. Everything seems like a fairytale once again. She tells me she loves me first. Eventually I tell her I love her too a few weeks later. We have a few small fights (one medium size one) this time due to some of my trust issues with her so it’s not all perfect but I was working on it and she was doing her best to help as well. I’m under the impression everything is great though, we love each other and that’s only growing stronger, we have a whole future coming to us. She invites me on her families Christmas vacation. I’m ecstatic, the girl I’ve been wanting back this whole time is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. I’d say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night (I tell her not to snap at me), argued with me about 2 more really silly things to the point she was clearly annoyed with me (which was ridiculous because they were about lyrics to a song and the bachelor), something is seriously off so I try to give her space.

2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. She said when ending it:
- She said it all started about 2 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation

Since breaking up with me she slept with my good friends roommate again multiple times even though when breaking up she promised she would stay away from him, other people told her to stay away, and when getting back together we discussed how it was ###$ up and very hurtful. The excuse she used the first time and this time to justify it is that I'm not actually friends with the kid, which is true, but it is still close to home and my friends and I have had to alter plans because of this conflict.

She also took a last second trip to see the guy from her yacht trip to sail around some islands for a few days after having only met him on her family trip and the one night he was visiting our city back in June. She ended up posting pictures on instagram of herself topless with emojis to cover her breast/nipples.

Other things that may point to a PD (some of these may be unrelated but trying to provide as much detail as I can):
- Exhibits almost child like personality sometimes
- Don't know if it would qualify as a fan club but in the time that I've known her she's seemed to have cycled through the same few guys a couple of times, probably always has guys in line/guys that are interested that she can hit up
- My friend said everybody falls in love with her then she dumps them
- Makes friends with anyone when out, even if a guy was clearly trying to hit on her she'd welcome the conversation, would sometimes say she's friends or best friends with people she recently met
- Very emotional, would cry pretty easily
- 99% of her instagram stories and posts are of her by herself & selfies, some of them being very seductive "thirst traps"
- After we broke up, posted an few instagram pictures of her topless with emojis covering her nipples/breasts
- Very good friends with her ex she was with for 3 years right before me, and still friends with her other serious past bfs
- No solid group of girl friends, though she is from out of state, she would often complain that the few friends she did have never show up for her, no more than 2 or 3 actual good girl friends, her best friend being her sister
- Her best friend at the time we dated the first time, after we broke up, told me my ex is not a good friend and their relationship eventually dissolved a few months later for unknown reasons
- Has a lot of gay male friends (I believe mostly from art school)
- Had a few lesbian experiences in her past
- Her father had an affair that came to light when she was still young (probably right at the start of HS), her parents stayed together but their relationship was a weird one, no real love
- Had an issue with xanax in HS, drinks the same amount any 25 yr old does, does cocaine maybe a little more often than a typical 25 yr old in our scene, was addicted to cigarettes but quit and became addicted to her Juul then quit that and started smoking cigarettes again
- Told me in HS she wanted to commit suicide, went as far as writing a goodbye letter
- Has had issues with eating/her weight even though she is extremely fit
- Has a tattoo and at one point in college had her nipples pierced, has a bunch of piercings in her ears and a nose ring
- Best sex I've ever had, very free with body, open to trying things, orgasmed pretty easily, masturbated often, lost virginity at 14
- Very magnetic, charismatic, bubbly, outgoing, spontaneous, wild, free personality
- Has stated her emotions are all over the place, very indecisive, latches onto one idea and the next minute another idea, wears heart on her sleeve, acts on emotions
- Supported by parents money (very wealthy)
- Very into fitness, does soul cycle and other work out classes at least once a day on top of dancing all day
- Her sister has said that she tends to exaggerate things
- Conversations revolved around her and her life, she did not reciprocate the same level of interest in my life that I showed to her
- Caught her in a lie or two, nothing about what she was up to/where she was but things in her past, admitted to lying because she was either caught off guard or the lie was by omission, who knows what else she lied about though
- Admitted to having a tough outside appearance but not the case on the inside (insecure?)

I may be missing some things that I'll add if they come to me

Hey man,

It's hard to know what's going on and we are not qualified to diagnose anyone here; all you'll get is guesses and personal experiences. From that point of view.

One thing that stood out though can be discussed by way of analogy. If someone is very wealthy, others may like/want that person for their wealth. Wealthy people may end up aware this is the real motive, and become jaded.

Similarly, it's possible others like her for sex, and on some level she is aware that's the real motive, and so is emotionally distant.

So a really hard question is, you wrote a lot about having sex with her, but is there more to it then that? What do you like/dislike about her as a person if there was no sexual interest?

For whatever it's worth, BPD/HPD/compensatry-NPD are real conditions, but they almost always occur because of psychological abuse in childhood, and all are very hard to correct until/if the person is ready for some big changes (that can take years, or a lifetime too). A key matter for most of these people is they are aware others want something from them. They are hyper-sensitive to it. It's because their parents demanded emotional support from them as children, and no child is emotionally or intellectually prepared to take care of an adult, let alone a parent. Every demand for more from them then tends to result in withdrawal.

xdude wrote:Hey man,

It's hard to know what's going on and we are not qualified to diagnose anyone here; all you'll get is guesses and personal experiences. From that point of view.

One thing that stood out though can be discussed by way of analogy. If someone is very wealthy, others may like/want that person for their wealth. Wealthy people may end up aware this is the real motive, and become jaded.

Similarly, it's possible others like her for sex, and on some level she is aware that's the real motive, and so is emotionally distant.

So a really hard question is, you wrote a lot about having sex with her, but is there more to it then that? What do you like/dislike about her as a person if there was no sexual interest?

For whatever it's worth, BPD/HPD/compensatry-NPD are real conditions, but they almost always occur because of psychological abuse in childhood, and all are very hard to correct until/if the person is ready for some big changes (that can take years, or a lifetime too). A key matter for most of these people is they are aware others want something from them. They are hyper-sensitive to it. It's because their parents demanded emotional support from them as children, and no child is emotionally or intellectually prepared to take care of an adult, let alone a parent. Every demand for more from them then tends to result in withdrawal.

What I liked about her was her passion for dance and other work, very fun, kind and caring (although a lot of her actions between and after this last relationship shows she cares very little about others), very deep and abstract thinker, she's adventurous and into experiencing new things, into live music and art shows, I could list a million things that I loved about her and our relationship. I did not like that she didn't show as much interest in my life as I did hers more often than not, that she could be inconsiderate in certain circumstances that happened once or twice, examining this whole saga, I do not like that she appears to be so flighty.

It's interesting you mention that people with these personality disorders are hyper-sensitive to others wanting something from them. She had made a comment to me that she's very sensitive to peoples energies and that she feels like people latch on to her happy go lucky bubbly energy and try to take it from her and have it for themselves and she doesn't like that. She said she felt like I was sometimes reliant on her energy and she wasn't ready to share it.

Also right before this vacation, I had just spent the weekend with her and her mom, we had our first real fight, I took her on this big romantic date, she met my family, and the vacation was coming up. Then on vacation I was talking to her about traveling this year together. My therapist said that even though A said that these more serious relationship things didn't scare her, that they likely did subconsciously and caused her to start withdrawing.

i'd say she doesn't really want the commitment and when things get too intense she bails out. i actually don't think there's anything particular deep here. she just seems immature to me.

Yea, and in a way it doesn't matter if it's a PD or if it's just emotionally immaturity. The effect is the same on you.

I do think it's normal enough to want to understand what is behind her behavior. It can make it a bit easier to swallow if it's due to a PD.

For whatever it's worth, I tend to want to see PDs, but that's my personal bias. The notion of people having PDs is semi-recent in history. Psychology is a relatively new field. It could even be argued that the PD labels have become harmful, because they can end up being an excuse for behavior that previously just would have been seen as being immature, cruel, lacking in character, etc. Perhaps we end up doing more harm than good excusing bad behavior because of 'it's due to a PD'.

In the end the main thing is you need to take care of you. If this was a friend of yours, what would you suggest he do?

I'd likely tell my friend that she's messed up, call her some not nice names, tell him he deserves better and he'll find somebody else that doesn't do things like this.

It's tough for me to be objective and give advice from that standpoint because of what I'm feeling and the way I view things because of that.

I guess I looked at her past that I knew well enough and saw she had a few serious relationships (although in HS and college) and thought she was the type of girl that liked being in a relationship and was truly committed once she was in one.

I thought the rest of her behavior was just a young, attractive girl being single in a big city

I was blindsided because even after we broke up the first time, based on what my friend was telling me and us continually hooking up and having this connection every time we saw each other, combined with my knowledge of her past, and her coming on so strong saying things like, “I never stopped thinking about you while we were apart”, “Being away from you made me know I want to be with you”, “You’re different and special to me compared to everybody else”, and then following up with actions showing commitment like introducing me to her family and friends, meeting my family, inviting me on her family vacation, had me thinking she was over the running around phase, felt the same connection I did, and truly wanted to be with me.

The entire time we were together she seemed completely in love with me, was super attentive, affectionate, caring. Always smiling, laughing, lighting up around me. Wanting to hang out or go out and do things. Telling me her life secrets, coming to me for support. Telling me how much she loves me. She never waivered, showed any hesitation or even hinted at anything being wrong until the last 2 days we were together.

Maybe I’m just naive and believed that I was different to her and things would be different with me. That this connection I thought we had was unique. I think a lot had to do with my knowledge that she had serious relationships in her past and seemed like the type of girl that took committed relationships seriously

I’m also having a very tough time reconciling the person that I thought I knew and had a relationship with, compared to the person she has shown me that she might truly be.

I’m not sure if she isn’t a nice/considerate person or if these things that she has done are one-offs and due to her being a young single girl.

I know this is messed up but I can’t stop making this about me. I often think and question, “why wasn’t I and/or the relationship enough to make this girl want to be with me in the way I wanted to be with her?”

Hey m16,

One thing then that does stand out from what you wrote is all that 'love bombing' she displayed. As others have written too, that can be a red-flag, a sign that there is something more seriously wrong like a PD.

I think (again from reading here and personal experience), those who have been with someone who has HPD/NPD/BPD as your title suggests, who have been through that love bombing, can relate to what you are going through. It's very hard to emotionally (or intellectually) reconcile how can this person say they love me so, and yet also so easily dump me for new attention, approval, affection, etc. Or just getting dumped on a whim, over something trivial?

Understood then why you are struggling to make sense of it, and also understood about your last comment -

m16 wrote:...I know this is messed up but I can’t stop making this about me. I often think and question, “why wasn’t I and/or the relationship enough to make this girl want to be with me in the way I wanted to be with her?”

You are human, and seem to be a good guy, who got involved with someone who mistreated you. While you are thinking in terms of 'what I could be doing that is better?', it's very possible she thinks in terms of her own wants/needs, doesn't question self much if at all, etc. Sadly that happens. Somehow the most empathetic people can end up choosing someone who lacks that empathy. Oh that doesn't mean she didn't feel as she said in the moment, but just that it's a common story if it's BPD/HPD/NPD... all of that emotional attachment followed by being treated as if you are a worst enemy, or at least nobody of value.

Sadly if she does have a PD, emotional extremes can go hand in hand. It can be hard to face that the positive emotional displays were as shallow as the being dumped on a whim moments. I suppose that's true of the emotionally immature as well, and it can be hard to know what is true. For people with PDs that immaturity can go on for much of their adult lives. In theory the emotionally immature change and grow out of that. PD's are better diagnosed later in life because it can be hard to sort out is this a temporary thing, or a life long pattern.

Sorry I don't have much to offer other than a bit of empathy for your situation. I do think the advice you'd offer a friend is right on though But I know that is much easier written than done when you are still struggling with feeling emotionally attached and trying to sort out what happened?

you're never going to know exactly what was going on in her head. all i'll say is that taken at face value you were being sincere and she wasn't. we can all get duped. it's part of being willing to trust others. try not to let it make you feel too bitter. holding onto that trust in others is important. and there will be others, if you're open to those opportunities.

shock_the_monkey wrote:you're never going to know exactly what was going on in her head. all i'll say is that taken at face value you were being sincere and she wasn't.

Agree this is a valid point of view, and from that point of view (vs poor her)... I know it's not going to help you feel better, but you do seem to be a good guy who got involved with someone who is self-absorbed.

Sucks man.

Please feel free to write here if it helps in any way. Know this is hard on you.

All of us guys have heard that story about men being made of snails, slugs and puppy dog tails; women are made of everything nice, etc. It's not true. Oh there are plenty of really amazing women and guys too, but selfishness, cruelty, hurting others knows no gender. You may have just met someone who lacks empathy (that sucks too).

I did want to pass on a thought from a former member here, perhaps it will help you feel better... he said he put himself second always, but he learned to think of a scale, and on that scale, to place himself at 51%. He meant he didn't want to become an ass where others don't matter at all, but he matters too (as do you), and the 1 percent was to correct for he had always put others first. You do matter, and your feelings are every bit as real and intense as hers.

Best,
xdude

I'm fairly surprised nobody felt that she is on the spectrum for some sort of PD. Maybe I'm trying to force a square peg into a round hole, but from everything I have read, it seems like she exhibits some traits of a PD.

The love bombing, the intense feeling and changing of emotions, the promiscuity, attractiveness, the cheating (and rationalizing it), the handful of guys she seems to continue cycling through, the nude instagram post, the past drug issues, amazing sex, the lack of girl friends, there are more things but it's hard to remember. But any time I read something about narcissists, BPD, Histrionics, I find myself going wow this is SO much like what I've experienced. It feels like there have been too many points that I have felt that, from various sources, for it not to be applicable. But at the same time, everybody on this board knows more and has experienced and read more than I ever could and maybe I'm just looking to slap a label on this to feel even a shred of relief.

I’ve been missing her so much. It kills me that we’re just not in each other’s lives. I no longer know what she’s doing, what’s going on in her life, I’m not the person she’s thinking about when she wakes up, or making her smile. I haven’t seen her gorgeous eyes or heard her laugh. I hate that she’s looked at somebody else like she did me, that somebody else is making her feel things she felt for me. That she’s doing and saying the same things.

I can’t help but to think of all the memories and experiences we should have had the last few months and all the things I had imagined us doing in the future. None of which have or will ever happen.

I think the biggest problem is I idealize her still. I know she did a few things that would indicate she’s not a good person or a person I should not want to be with but all the happy memories, the times she seemed so in love and crazy about me, all the smiles, giggles, affection, vulnerable, amazing moments outweigh the bad in my mind and heart.

I was so ****ing happy that she came back the way she did. I thought I really was special to her. It’s gut wrenching that she didn’t love me the way that I loved her and I just don’t know why not. How could I have been feeling and experiencing things so vastly different than she was?

No matter what I ask the universe, why wasn't I/our relationship enough for her to be as in love as she needed to be to stay with me like I was in love with her?

If she had these feelings for me all along, never stopped thinking about me all this time, never falls in love but loved me, all these things she claimed, how could she just discard me and our relationship so easily?

Thought things were starting to feel better but I can’t stop thinking about her and missing her.

We’re supposed to be together and in love and happy right now.

But this weekend she showed up to my friends birthday that she was told not to come to and I drunkenly and very stupidly confronted her. Wound up calling her some horrible names in front of all of my friends, made her cry but ultimately embarrassed myself. She told me she hates me and blocked my number. Feeling really #######5 about myself and what I've done. I know that this was over already anyways but for whatever reason this feels like an extra nail in the coffin and it's continuing to break my heart.

Feeling really ****ty about myself and what I've done. I'm an idiot. All the happy memories are now tainted and ruined to her.

But there is also a part of me that has had the thought, she DID a number of really truly messed up things to me (a couple that I did not detail in any of my posts), I SAID a couple of very mean words to her in front of people, I shouldn't feel like such a horrible human being. But here I am still feeling bad about myself and still sad about the losing this girl and this relationship and now adding this on top of it. I don't know why I can't get it to click that she is somebody I should want nothing to do with. Why I can't actually hate her or even be angry at her.

I mostly feel stupid and embarrassed though. Regardless of what has happened between us, I should have been the bigger person and not said a word to her. I know what I did was ultimately the wrong thing to do. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much and remind myself that these have been my friends for almost 20 years, they all talked about it yesterday and maybe will today and then that'll be it, they're still my friends and love me.
I will continue to be the good person I know that I am and not make a mistake like this again.

I am sad that we probably would have been able to be friends down the road but now I don't think so. She was a very important person and part of my life (despite the messed up things that happened) and now I did this... I woke up holding a pillow and my immediate thought was a flash in my mind of holding her and kissing her shoulder like I used to and how much I miss her. Wow, I'm really messed up. I don't know how I got here...