HPD partner and struggling

Hi all,


This is going to be a long read, my apologies (it's not easy to describe 20 years of history briefly).

First off, a little background story about myself and my partner. I'm male and in my 40ies. Have not yet been officially diagnosed (in the middle of that), but probably have an autism spectrum disorder (Aspergers). I met my wife about 20 years ago (she was 16 at the time) and couldn't be happier at that time: she was gorgeous (way out of my league), spontaneous, funny, outgoing, bubbly, intelligent, all I ever wanted from a future wife. I never got what she saw in me, although I always figured that opposites attract (I'm calm, sensible, rational, ...).

The start was rocky, to say the least: in the first year she seemed to be on the verge of cheating on me multiple times (it never came to that, but she told me a lot of stories of guys which she perhaps had feelings for). I struggled through that, thinking to myself that it was simply the young age (experimental phase?). Fast-forward a couple of years: she got her first job. On the job, she met a coworker with whom she "clicked" and after a while, she admitted that she had kissed him. Strike one, but as I thought "it was simply a kiss", I let it slide. I - of course - begged her to never do that to me again, but we moved on.

Another few years down the road (which had it's ups and downs, but which relationship doesn't have, right?) and a first hard blow was dealt: she had found an actual lover (a much older business man), cheated me with him (had sex with him regularly over a long period). I found out and confronted her with this. Her decision at that time was to leave me. Not for that business man (as she had it with him after I found out), but nonetheless. I begged her to stay and succeeded. We took a long vacation, grew back towards each other and all seemed well again. During that tumultuous time, she got pregnant. As she had had sex with both the lover and myself, it wasn't clear who the father was, so we took a paternity test. That showed that I was the father, so all was well (although the period of uncertainty took a huge toll on her.

Queue the "mother phase": the next ten years she was (seemed) to be a devoted mother. Not so much a partner for me, as she seemed to focus all her energy and attention on our child. I discussed this multiple times with her, how we should keep working on being a great couple first and then excellent parents second, but she never saw it that way. So the ups and downs continued throughout. Again, I did not think much of this, but it did have an affect on me, no doubt fueled by my disorder. I became even more distant and probably did some big "no-no's" when it comes to "handling" people with HPD: I did not give many compliments, I almost never told her I loved her (although in my opinion I did show it, but that's up for debate, so I've learned now) and more or less turned in myself.

A couple of months ago, during one of our "up" periods (so I really did not see this coming!), she broke down completely. Started weeping regularly, without being able to tell me why. I tried to comfort and guide her, tried to up my game a notch and organize pleasant things, hug her more, I wanted to be the dependable rock to help her overcome whatever was happening to her (I first thought it was a midlife crisis of some sort). But nothing seemed to help and it went downhill fast: she (now almost in her fourties) became a reckless "party animal". Going out by herself, drinking vasts amount of alcohol and - what shocked me the most - became very distant towards our (now teenage) child. Especially that last part was a writing on the wall: the once so devoted mother was now the opposite. I still tried to be supportive and let her do all the above things, even if it did hurt me. But for my rational brain, it was something she perhaps needed to go through, to get it out of her system.

At that time, she suggested she wanted some "alone time", which I obliged to. I moved out of the house temporarily (because I didn't want her to move out, I wanted her to feel at home), hoping she would eventually miss me and come to her senses. The exact opposite happened: after not much more than a week, she wanted to talk. She wanted to leave me, for good. My world crumbled. The initial explanation was that she could not live with me any longer, that my ASD was too much for her: she lacked love, warmth and she felt as if I had abused her emotionally. I did not want to lose her (she really is the love of my life) so I begged again: I was going to do ANYTHING to make this right. At first she refused, but when I said I was going to end my life (yes, I know, that's pretty pathetic of me and I immediately regretted saying it), she succumbed.

I did what I promised: I turned my life around. I gave her lots of attention, did all of the household, even went to see a psychiatrist and get the ASD diagnosis on the road, along with an "autism coach". I really thought that I was at fault here and wanted to make things right.

This went on for about 2 months, but her mood did not seem to improve much. Some days she said that it was going to be all right and that she loved me. Other days it was the complete opposite: fearful of the future and no feelings for me at all. I was baffled, what could I possibly do more? Until a few days ago... She broke down again and wanted to come clean... The following confessions were made: she cheated on me (intercourse) a total of four times. Remember that kiss with the coworker all those years back? Yeah, that wasn't just a kiss. She repeated this on another job as well: another coworker. And last - but not least - during the period where she was being the party animal a few months back, she had an affair while going out. In the toilets. Because she thought that was what she deserved. All of these were unsafe. Next to that, she also "made out" with at least a dozen of other guys, including mutual friends of ours. I sat there in utter disbelief. Who was this woman talking to me? I did not recognize her at all... She told me she had trouble saying "no". I mean, I can't blame a stranger for trying (as I said: she is gorgeous and funny and ...), but as this is something which happens alot (she attracts a lot of men), I need to be able to trust her...

The silver lining here is that after she confessed everything, she felt a weight lifted of her shoulders. I could visibly see that this was needed to get a fresh start. She felt great. But I am in pieces. I desperately want this relationship to succeed, I want to believe that she will turn it around. But will she be able to? And how should I - both short and long term - handle/guide her? So that she doesn't stray off the path again? She is seeking professional help, but there are long waiting lists. So any advice or perspective from people who were more or less in the same boat (both ends welcomed!) is highly appreciated.

Hey adiau,

I think it's very hard on most people when a SO, especially a romantic partner, has HPD. The compulsive need for attention drives those with HPD, and the reality is that most people expect monogamy (emotional and physical) of a romantic partner including... those with HPD. Most take it every bit as personally if a partner cheats on them (again, emotionally or physically), but because of the disorder, the compulsion for an attention fix in the now tends to override that those fixes can cause long term damage to their romantic relationships.

The hard thing is I really doubt there is anything you can say or do that will change her behavior long term. That's up to her, and whether or not she is able to make that change, sadly, I kind of doubt it. Some believe that the HPD symptoms tend to improve once the person has reached an aged point where attention over appearance is less effective (you mentioned she is gorgeous), or maybe that is also due to a change in hormones, but even then, it might be replaced with a different kind of attention seeking (e.g., illnesses, joining fringe belief groups/systems, etc.)

The main thing is figuring out what you can, and cannot, live with.