My girlfriend of 3 years left me

hello everyone im new here,my name is bill im from greece

and im devastated right now (im 24 right now,she is 22)

I met a girl 3 years ago,i was thinking lets just have fun,nothing serious..lets see how things turn out.
It turned out i have found a sweet,kind,loyal girl,we didnt have much in common,but we enjoyed each others company quite a lot,we were trying new things,experiences and stayed together up untill recently where she broke up with me.
Our first real fight was a little after the end of our 1st year,after this fight the relationship changed forever,she wanted to become an actress,i couldnt deal with the fact that she would kiss other guys,even for a play...i just couldnt stand the thought of it,so we fought a ton of times for this reason.
She was having a hard time because of the other acting students,everyone was selfish and she couldnt stand it,and even her own boyfriend was against the acting industry for the reason i told you above.
after 9 months she quit,because of her fights with the other students but also because of me.
after that she hold it against me for so long,she was getting angry so easily because i didnt support her when i should,the relationship turned from '''magical'' to a normal one where fights were a common thing.
a few months later i quit my job,i wasnt happy with it while she was telling me no.
a few weeks later she told me she got out with a guy she was talking with on instagram,she didnt do anything flirty or sexual with him (from her side at least)but it hurted me so much,reason she did this was because of my behavior during her acting career and because i quit my job.
it was so painful to me,it took me weeks even months to forget it,our relationship managed to survive.
We had fights just like every couple,but the happy moments were more ...much more often.
her first trip in a relationship was me
her first time to a ton of places (beach,mountain,parks,cafe,bars)was me
she stayed with me during my military service
she stayed with me during my 2 surgeries
we were sick together,and healthy together...
we got our driving licences when we were together
we got our c2 english degrees while we were together
our computer degree when we were together
her first whole night in the beach was with me
we both adopted 2 cats when we were together
the sex was great,she was willing to do things she never done with another guy,her decision of course
we made plans,plans she first talked about,living together,moving abroad for a better future,having kids together,she was even thinking about baby names ,we wanted to be done with our colleges,get our c2 english degrees,computer degree,german and french degrees and move abroad...thing is the 2 last wishes might never come true.

she used to complain about things like me having a job and practice driving (my father has a car i can borrow)but i was so lazy....why was i so lazy,i used to find excuses all the time,and was doing any of those things
we fought 4 times over those,4 big fights and i told her i would find a job and take the car,learn how to drive and go on dates like a couple instead of using the train.
i was searching for a job,but not like i meant it,i was taking the car for 2-3 times and then i would quit doing it,i dont know why...im an idiot.
but she kept forgiving me,i thought she would NEVER leave me.
but she did...1.5 week ago,we were staying at home for 1.5 month,going out to parks and to pay bills,no dates...nothing...why couldnt i propose something?she kept proposing things and i was saying ''we'll see'',she was emotionally weak at that period,studying too much,sleeping too little,fighting with me,fighting with her best friend,they stopped talking,and i wouldnt even get her to dates.
i remember she kept.....SHE KEPT TELLING ME.....lets go for a drink
lets dress into something for this greek holiday
take the car so we can go on trips together
find a job so we can stop living this miserable life and so we can go on dates and do things more often (she couldnt work herself,because her college takes 9-10 hours of her everyday time)
lets go and watch a boxing fight
lets go to a hotel for our 3 year anniversary
read a book so we can talk about it (i wouldnt even do that...)

i dismissed those things like an idiot,because i didnt realise they were important,up until now
were she broke up with me,but she was telling me for so long and i wouldnt listen

my life is miserable right now,i lost her she was precious to me.

1 week before we break up she was so happy with me,she had her problems but we were having so much fun and she was telling me how happy she was,she was coming at my place to stay the night more often,and telling me she wanted to stay together soon.
a week after that,i told her i'll read the book untill Wednesday,i was going to read it all at once wednesday night i thought it was 20 chapter so i was thinking no big deal,i scrolled down that night and they were 22 more chapters i didnt know about.i told her i couldnt make it because of that and she got so dissapointed,she avoided me for the rest of the week,i was asking her are you okay?she told me she was just tired,friday night she told me she needs space,to work on herself.
i paniced,i begged and promised to change for the next 2-3 days she was ignoring me,at tuesday we spoke in person,she told me she cant trust me anymore for our future,i always ignore my responsibilities and dont act like a man of my age.she told me she needs more space and broke up with me.for the next days i was trying to win her back with pictures and words...
she told me that i was making her angrier and called it ''emotional abuse''she also said that even i do these things now its too late,something has changed for her.i left her alone for 4 days
and came back a changed person,i had 6 job interviews,took the car for 2 hours a day and became pretty good with it,and offered to drive her to her college (87 km drive)and then i can buy us some drinks and talk about the book that i read.
''i'll think about it'' she replied,of course she wouldnt accept but she wouldnt say it.
the same day,i was emotionally unstable,i was getting ideas that it might be someone else,i was waiting for her in front of her house,saw her going out,called her...didnt answer.sent her a message on instagram to stop ignoring me,and she replied ''what's up?'' i want to talk to you i replied and then she said ''we're done can you realise that?''
and i waited there for 4.5 hours until she came back,a guy brought her home with his car
she told me a couple of times that this guy drives the whole squad to their places,and that the only think i care about is if someone steals her from me instead of the things that actually matter.
i told her im sorry for everything i've done,named each one of my mistakes and promised to change,no just words this time,i even brought my car with me to drive her around so she can see im actually doing things for this relationship.
she told me that everything reminds her of me and that she misses me but she believes that we should stay apart for some time,and work on ourselves,she said she wanted to work on her insecuries,and that ever since she was young she was always in a relationship and that she wants to experience how it's like to be alone.
she also said how proud she is of me,because im doing all those things in only 4 days.
but her decision wouldnt change...i stopped preassuring her and asked her if she wants to go for a drive.during our driving she was looking at me,so proud telling me how happy she is for me,but still...her decision wouldnt change.
we sat in the car talking,i suddently grabbed her and kissed her,she didnt resist,she seemed to like it.
''come in the back sit'' i asked,she didnt resist either,we had the most passionate sex we ever had.
after that we cuddled telling each other the things we miss about each other,but even then,...her decision wouldnt change
im afraid this guy might take her from me,all the things she ever complained about me not having,he has them...all
he is hard working,with ambitions.
she said nothing goes on bewteen them,i believe her...she was always kind and honest with me,but i think he is going to try and take her from me.
after 5 hours of talking,cuddling and kissing,i drived her to my place,and told her ''i want to walk you home just like the old times'' instead of using the car.
and so i did,walk her home (4 blocks away)while holding hands,i left her at her place,told her how much i love her,kissed her hugged her and said goodnight.
the next morning i found out i got blocked on instagram.
she believes that we didnt push each other to grow
she said i dont know,we might be together in the future or not,i really dont know,i just need alone time to think.

and this is the 2nd day of no contact at all,and im scared that i've already lost her

please give me your opinion on this matter,is it over?

Hey man,

You seem like a good guy who has prioritized her feelings over your own. Here is the thing that will happen if you stop treating her feelings as special...

She may hate you, for not putting yourself second.
She may admire you, for standing up for yourself.
She might stop thinking of you, because you stood up for you.
And some other combinations are possible too.


Whatever she does is secondary to you need to take care of you. Also she may not like it now, but one day will. Some people also 'test' they want to know, do you have the strength to fight back, and there are evolutionary reasons why they do that.

xdude wrote:Hey man,

You seem like a good guy who has prioritized her feelings over your own. Here is the thing that will happen if you stop treating her feelings as special...

She may hate you, for not putting yourself second.
She may admire you, for standing up for yourself.
She might stop thinking of you, because you stood up for you.
And some other combinations are possible too.


Whatever she does is secondary to you need to take care of you. Also she may not like it now, but one day will. Some people also 'test' they want to know, do you have the strength to fight back, and there are evolutionary reasons why they do that.

today is the 3rd day of contact
what do you suggest?just wait until she contacts?because everytime i tried to reach out i failed miserably
yeah we had sex,she came in my car and she said things she misses about it,but is there any of those things a ''good sign'' ? i dont know...

Sorry man, I didn't and still don't have any great answer for you. I think you need to put yourself first, or equal plus 1 percent in your favor of what you want. She is putting herself first, so the only workable action/reaction is for you to do the same.

Problem is I know that's just a bunch of words, and much easier written then done for someone who is use to putting themselves second. What I would add to that is if you can figure out why you are doing that, that's step #1 in changing.

p.s. I wanted to add, when it comes to some, being more supportive can backfire. It can 'empower' them to mistreat others who care. A mindset of 'I got what I wanted out of you, now I feel good, and can get more/better!'

I am a big believer in adjusting our reactions and actions to match the personality types we are interacting with. If she is more the giver/empathetic type that's one thing, but if she is more the taker/self-involved type, that's another and requires a different approach. My gut feeling is you are more the giver/empathetic type, and so probably deeply believe more giving and empathy will change her. Sadly, I've never (or at least extremely rarely) found that works.