Hyper dependent & hyper attached pattern

Let’s start by saying I ######6 hate the vast majority of the people I meet, I don’t show it of course, I am very good at being friendly and nice since it benefits everyone but I hate people, especially in Greece which is where I live. Because they are full of disgusting brain dead behaviors like close mindness, 0 self awareness, toxic behaviors, outdated beliefs about literally anything and all that on a local culture that has seeped to most people and the fact that I’m a lgbt minority is only making thing sharer for me. Literally the only people I could consider good or healthy are the psychologists I’ve talked too and having to major in psychology should not be the ######6 standard to be an ok person.

I also hate my parents, even now at 26 where I pretend to be ok with my mother I have never ######6 forgotten all the $#%^ she did while I was a child, hurt me physically because I did something she didn’t like, threaten to send me away because of some stupid grades $#%^, forcing me to wear clothes I disliked because muh official ceremonies and $#%^ and always lashing out for her own damn issues, of course she kept using the ‘I do this cus I care’ which she probably does but I don’t give a $#%^, I haven’t forgiven her for anything and never will even when we talk normally some days about stuff because it is convenient for me, it’s funny she literally likes me and respect me now for my abilities but I hate her in reality, only reason I haven’t left is because it benefits me to only pay the electrical bill in our old house instead of having to pay full rent and that somewhere else. Father was the usual distant busy kind who was leaving for ages and pretending to be cold and smart but he was an idiot, something I realized later on.

Onto the main issue, because of the above I obviously rarely connect with people on an emotional level, I can be friendly, make small talk and jokes but almost all people I ve met irl weren’t capable of discussing more lighter topics like psychology, human behavior, feelings etc so there was no way I would reveal myself or how I feel to them and if they don’t know me, they are irrelevant, really easy for me to just leave and forget them.

There have been times I ve gotten attached to people, mostly online really, 4 times in total after 26 years. It is always the same damn thing, we are friends, they show they care for a moment, I start getting ridiculously attached to the point they become the center of my life, I try to spend as much time with them as possible, be there for them at all times, help them with anything and try to make them feel better, but then comes the 2nd part, of me feeling terrible when they are offline unless we ve talked a lot the previous day, and usually the more time passes the more it hurts, the more worried I get of anything happening that would make me lose them, and then when they are on or they are busy the more I feel they don’t really care, and that makes me feel like $#%^ and I say that but it never ends, and as I repeat this behavior of feeling terrible and talking about it I become annoying and they obviously get tired of this bs and feel more distant which only worsens my issue.

First 3 attachments weren’t really great people, like I could see they had many bad aspects but I kinda excused them even though I shouldn’t, now I am dealing with the 4th attachment, a person I knew for years and cared s lot about, and I had to go through a few hard stuff lately so he tried to help me which made me feel he cares which lead to this hyper attachment again.
The positive this time is that this person has gone through a lot so I can literally discuss anything with him including my feelings but lately, even though he said multiple times he would say something if he was annoyed I keep having the feeling he just doesn’t care, he said he isn’t so great with dealing with that stuff and that is why he doesn’t have much to say but I just can’t stop thinking that he doesn’t care and this is just another ###$ up attachment situation. I do extreme things like being there at anytime including the middle of the night, I want to talk so much with him sometimes I wake up to false notification sounds from my iPad that my mind makes up because I want him to say something that much, he cares but he isn’t like me, nowhere near as hyper dependent or needy which is normal, you can’t expect people to do the ridiculous things I do when I’m attached but still, I feel so terrible.

Honestly I’m getting tired, tbh I didn’t want much from life tbh, I’m good at my job, have money, people like me and call me smart but at the end of the day I just want to have a strong attachment to someone that also has the same for me so he would care and love me which probably isn’t reallt possible considering the way I am, but I literally want nothing ######6 else from this meh existence.

I mean it’s been 26 years and there have been only 4 people I was able to be attached to, 3 first were terrible, this one is just causing me pain again because my brain is retarded but don’t want to lose it because I have nothing else. Tbh I ve been feeling pretty terrible and only reason I haven’t done something is because I know it would most likely hurt him since he had to deal with that before and every time I’m attached that person’s needs or feelings become a priority.

And honestly anyone who would suggest dating can ###$ off, it doesn’t work, you can’t get attached to a person unless you know them for a long time and there isn’t a ‘maybe I ll date them in the future’ thought going in the background because that influences everything.

Hey 2muchsigh,

It's the curse of being an outside the norm type. You probably will have less relationships, but hopefully those you have are valuable.

The tricky part for all outside the norm types is the hard question, am I missing out on something by not being a bit more flexible? In the end it's only you who will lose (or benefit) from avoiding the norm. Follow your heart of course.