pwBPD may not have discarded me yet I freaked out

I also wonder with BPD, how can he go this long with no contact? Because with posts i've read about these situations,I got the sense a lot of pwBPD find their abandonment and insecurity fears quickly outweigh their reservations and they get in contact within a week or two of not hearing from the person He seems to be able to go longer, so his pattern seems unusual there too.

I'm just very lost. To keep silent myself or what!

bluemoon20 wrote:hey, xdude and xXDarkStarXx, thank you very much for the input and advice.

I actually spoke with my therapist about this yesterday, (who I just started seeing about a month ago). She told me it does indeed seem he has two different personalities, in how one day he accepted and apologized back to me, expressed all this excitement to see me and suggests plans then the next day, suddenly he cancels and flakes out. May be in that moment he indeed was splitting. It was scary because I felt like how can someone one moment really want to see me and the next moment just drop off like that without any concern to my feelings.

And now its been two weeks since I've heard anything. I reached out last week to ask if he was up to talking and left it at that, and he didn't reply. I also wonder as xXDarkStarXx, you are saying, maybe he is used to me reaching when he flakes out, or on some level wants the attention. My therapist was also saying maybe he wants me to reach out so he can feel more in control with his emotions, but it does feel abusive to me and disrespectful.

Then the therapist brought up an idea and I'm really unsure about it. She said I need to stop walking around eggshells, he may be needy and wanting the attention or be in his head too much to even think about how its affecting me in him changing his mind constantly. She suggested sending him a message, kind of calling him out about it, and acknowledging what he just did so he knows, I know and am not accepting of it. She suggested saying something like "hey what's going on? i'm feeling really confused." or even "hey, this feels all too familiar to what happened in the summer, you haven't spoken to me since we last talked, it hurts me, what's going on?" (sounds a little judgey though) She said then that draws the focus back on ME and she said he might not even be aware its hurting me so maybe its good to point it out.

But I almost feel that may make things worse or not be conducive to getting closer again? I fear since it took so long to even talk again, when he came back I was so relieved, and he may really feel confused right now, that expressing my side or talking about a boundary, he might not react well to that. She suggested that something I do in person in depth but how i can briefly send the text. I don't know.

xXDarkStarXx wrote:Either way...Some people get too comfortable treating us certain ways because we show them it is okay by allowing them back into our lives after each offense.

It's possible he got comfortable, he did this in the summer too for a few weeks while going through a career transition, and i'd be the one to reach out, and it's only gotten worse

xXDarkStarXx wrote:So you can wait around for the guy who is open, honest and apologetic to resurface or try to knock the other one who cancels plans, down.

This is tough, waiting it out, makes me anxious, i'm not sure how much longer to wait. How would I knock the guy who cancels plans down? Does that involve calling out the behavior? The fear I have is doing so and him further splitting me.

I'd like to say something about it but not come across as "answer me!" or pressure anyone either. I just don't know what to do here or if saying something will lead him withdraw further if hes already feeling two ways about the situation since we had that blow out 2 months ago if its the best time to point this out while its happening. I just wish he can have a REAL conversation about it without all this silence. its so hurtful for me.

Thanks xdudex -- I just want to help as many people as I can not go through unnecessary issues when it comes to stuff like this.

BlueMoon, you have given more than enough of yourself to this man and to me, it just seems like he likes to be in control of the entire situation. If he remains in control, you will never hang out with him. Not only did he split on you again but now, I believe he is playing a game, whether he recognizes it as that or not. You are too worried about his defense mechanisms but at this point, that is not your problem. He has a mental illness and that's not your fault so his response to your very human reaction to him not being fair to you or to his emotional abuse, is not your problem, either.

I promised a guy I would meet him for News Years last year and I canceled on him the day we were supposed to meet, so I left him hanging out by himself. I promised him again this year that I would meet him before th eyear was over and I ended up canceling my plans this morning by blocking his contact from social media and also my phone. I had rethought it and will either write him explaining why I canceled or I may just be brave and go ahead and meet him regardless of how I feel because I promised a second time. Having an illness requires that we work a little bit harder at it, too instead of using it as a cushion to act like spoiled brats.

It seems as if those of us with BPD act very much the same and I see myself in this man. The difference is I've taken my diagnosis and am trying to help mysef and others with it. Some people get a diagnosis and use it as a weapon or an excuse not to take responsiblity for their actions and to dominate situations.

Your therapist is right. Don't walk on eggshells anymore for this guy. In my opinion, you shouldn't write him at all anymore because whether or not you are direct or soft in your message, you are still giving him attention and he will still feel as though it is okay for him to act like this towards you because you will only reach out and that you are not going anywhere.

I hope this message finds you right but if I were you, I would try to move on from him. Selfishness has blinded him so much that he is treating you like you are despinsable and that's inappropriate because you've been very patient. You deserve someone who will meet you half way and not get into emotionally and mentally abusing you.

The more you reach out, no matter what you say, the more he will have you locked in. I don't know if you believe you can help fix him but just in case you do, you can't and it's not your job to. You seem like a very sweet person who deserves so much more and to put your energy to places that are productive. He is sucking the life out of you.

Even if you were to finally go out on a date with him or hang with him, if this much trouble is in the relationship by him just canceling plans, imagine the types of things you would go through if you two did actually get to hang out and etc?

Dating someone with BPD is not impossible but dating someone with BPD or any issue where they are too comfortable with their issues and don't seem to want to work on changing, will only suck you dry.