pwBPD may not have discarded me yet I freaked out

bluemoon20 wrote:And i'm a bit underwaters here. I got some counseling right now but I just don't know how to make the decision in touching base with him again and if this is something I can continue to handle. I'm just very worried about losing myself and I Feel embarrassed at how much I already have.

Please be careful for your sake. There is no shame in not being able to handle it. This being a support forum, we tend to see the cases of people who cannot. Perhaps some can, but BPD takes a toll on everyone involved. One question my therapist asked me is 'Where do you see this going in a year, 5 years, 10 years?' If you are already getting that sense of losing self, I fear for you that it will just get worse if you continue. Many others here have come to the conclusion, I just can't do it.

You know if he is not being treated, odds are the push/pull will just get worse. More tests, more ups and downs, more instances of you and he not talking about the same thing because his version of history doesn't match yours, etc. It can feel like giving up on someone, but what he really needs is objective professional help. Someone who has limited, focused, time with him, and who is not emotionally involved. Problem is, he has to come to the conclusion on his own that he is ready for help. That may not happen until he has hit a real rock bottom point, and even then maybe not.

It really does suck to reach the point of letting go, but he may be doing you a favor by avoiding a relationship. At least he is somewhat aware that he can't handle one right now.

Yeah, i'm trying to be careful and carefully think this through. It's a good question to ask where I see this going in 5, or 10 years. When he's not moody and in a good place, I see so much potential and I see it everlasting. But I don't think I can enter a relationship with him unless he does get professional help, and maybe as you are saying, xdude, he may not be open to that unless he hits rock bottom (not sure if he is there yet or not).

My hope in reaching out was that the apology would sort of help thaw the ice and take responsibility for my own actions, and i'd hope that he only responded to the apology or thoughts about reconnecting if and only when he would be ready or was in a healthier space. Because he was sort of already aware about not being able to a handle a relationship, my hope was if I sent the apology and let him know i'm here when he's ready if he ever wants to talk, and saying i'd be happy to hear from him, that he'd be aware again when he is ready and only reach out then. But the thing is if he isn't, or responds harshly, I'm not so sure i'm prepared for that.

bluemoon20 wrote:...When he's not moody and in a good place, I see so much potential and I see it everlasting...

Not sure if this applies to your situation, but something that applies to many in a relationship with someone with BPD (and the other cluster B types), is the tendency to see the positive 'moody' as the real them, the negative, as the false them. Positive moody can include -

Charming
Impulsive (in a way that is not overly dangerous)
Sexually aggressive (again in a way that is an ego boost)
Expressions of over the top aspirations, sometimes even doing so
Etc.

Problem is the extremes go hand in hand. If they were to get treatment, both extremes would need to go.

From the point of view of the person with the cluster B personality, the enthusiast responses to the positive side can be a mixed bag. They may appreciate the positive responses, but also it can be a reminder of 'you don't love me for all of me, you love me for the show I put on'. For many cluster B types, that goes back to their core ego wound. Not being loved just because, but being loved for what they did, or became, for the parents or caretakers.

I agree, xdude, both extremes need to go. I’ve seen both ends and when he’s impulsive in a “good” way, suggesting lofty plans then flakes out, it’s extremely hurtful. Whereas if he would have been tame the whole time I wouldn’t be as hurt.

An update: I sent the apology to him after no contact for 2 months, and he replied immediately. He called three times and sent me a message after saying how he apologizes too, he asks to call me again so he can apologize too, says he was selfish and bears responsibility too. He says he’d been thinking about me and was hoping I’m doing well and am okay. Then expresses he would love it hear from me,

Well, I was so nervous after I reached out I didn’t check my phone for 3 days so it took me 3 days to call him back. I also had to process this because I didn’t expect to hear from him let alone so soon. I was filled with all these emotions.

When we spoke on the phone however, he was a bit different but it was still okay, he kinda assumed the blow up happened cause I was going through something, he said he gets he must have made it worse but it kinda bothered me when he said “you just didn’t seem yourself, what was going on with you, I wanna understand” it kinda felt like subtle blameshifting, since he went silent in the first place.

But eventually he said he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship and that’s why he went silent and apologized and said he knows it was a mistake and how all we can do is learn from it and do better. He said how he wants to see me and meet up. I asked what he wants and he said he wants to go on dates and see what happens, slowly and he asked what I want. I repeated the same.

He asked when we can meet up I explained I had exams for a week so probably after that. We decided a week later then it seemed far away and he suggested the next day to visit me. I said okay, he told me and encouraged me to txt him after our call was ending AND tomorrow to firm up plans. (Not sure for reassurance or something). I told him I had class that tonight and could just txt him tomorrow. I felt really on guard here about reaching out since I still felt hurt from overpursing and not giving him space when the blow out happened.

When I confirmed plans the next day, at first confirmed the time then it got late and he wasn’t there and he canceled last minute when I asked if he’s on his way. He said he wasn’t feeling well and just woke up from a nap and tired from working 6 days and asked if we can meet next week instead. I asked to call and repeated that. I ended up giving silence cause I was so hurt I was looking forward to seeing him and I just said “okay”
Maybe that was bad I did that. He asked if he can call me later I naturally gave another silence and said that’s fine and said I wish I knew earlier he wasn’t coming. He apologized and said he’d txt me later. He never did.

A week as gone by and no word. I sent a casual txt cause I felt maybe he was feeling like he overpursed with calling three times sending a message and suggesting to meet, and now he’s pulling back? Just like how I felt like that when I sent the apology yet took 3 days to reply. He didn’t reply to the casual txt and the whole week passed by he never rescheduled. Last night I sent one last txt if he’s up to talking this weekend and nothing.

I feel really shocked and confused here. About why he would apologize, say his head is cleared now and wants to see me, and call those times and talk about seeing me this week yet he never replied and pulled way back. It makes me wonder was this is a set up or something or some cruel joke or is he confused again about a relationship. It’s just been shocking him being really excited then drops off as if he changed his mind. I have no clue what is going on in his head. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Or since we got back in contact I wonder if he’s testing me or something.

If he has BPD or a related disorder, this is has been a common thread on this forum. It is very confusing.

I think it goes back to people with these disorders tend to do better when they are emotionally at a distance. This is also why it can be hard to see the disorder initially. So he may very well have been feeling an interest in meeting up again after having been distance for so long, but as the prospect of meeting up started to sink in, it re-triggered all those previous strong emotions that have him wanting to flee.

I think this fear of getting too close may be it too. I noticed even before this anyone we get too close or had a serious conversation, he’d back up a bit.

And I guess after being I touch after so long maybe in that moment when he was talking he did feel those things and want to meet up and thought his head was clear now just as he said, but those feelings of what happened in the last triggered him and he started to freak out. Or he felt he overpursed by suggesting to meet and calling 3 times right after he got my apology so soon and feels embarrassed?

I wonder where that leaves me. After he went silent i sent a message asking if he’s up to talking this weekend (disregarding mentioning at plans), and he didn’t even reply to that and the weekend and the whole week last. I feel a bit stood up and set up. I’m not sure he realizes or not how this was a bit shocking to me and do I try calling once in a few days or after space would he just more likely to reach out on his own, and of course he may not at all...I’m just very confused. He sounded so certain he was going to meet up or least start talking regularly again. I mean for me it’s just pretty hurtful and leaves me hanging. Do I just accept this? I don’t know.

Not sure if this is going to help...

One of the things people write about here is relationships with people with NPD (a variant cluster B disorder). They get back with their NPD ex for a day or two, who acts like everything is at was, and then end up severely hurt again.

So I do think in a way if he has realized he can't go backwards and meet again, he has at least spared you that painful whirlwind. I know you are hoping he can talk about it, but probably he cannot if he has BPD. From his point of view all he knows is he is overwhelmed, and talking about it would further overwhelm him.

Thing is he may realize you feel stood up, but that's just another reason for him to disappear. He may feel guilt, remorse, or shame for doing so, but every emotion overwhelms the person with BPD and so facing that will be too much too. If he has BPD even thinking about that could send him spiraling down into more self-loathing.

bluemoon20, I know you had written you see a lot of potential. No doubt he is sensitive, and that can be attractive, but that's part of the issue for people with BPD. They lack the defense mechanisms, and core self-esteem framework to deal with what others do without thinking about it. People with BPD do end up hurting others though I doubt it is the intent for most of them.

On the plus side you now better understand that you can't help him, even if you mean well. He needs a professional when he is ready for it.

A little secret...

The best way to maintain a stable relationship with someone with BPD is to let go and not show them as much attention. Once he starts acting up and doing the push/pull thing and not forgiving you then leave him alone.

He's not perfect, either but he is so selfishly caught up in his own hurt feeling that he cannot fathom you are hurt, too. I have Bpd and I act just like your ex with men.

Working on relationships goes both ways and although BPD is hard to deal with for us that have it it's still not an excuse not to try or for us to be toxic and abusive.

He also seems to be splitting on you. While he was an a better mood, he apologized and may have admitted all these things and made plans but then the other personality kicked in and he changed his mind.

I have a theory that those of us with BPD have split personalities, too...and so it seems he truly feels 2 different ways about the situation. So you can wait around for the guy who is open, honest and apologetic to resurface or try to knock the other one who cancels plans, down.

Either way...Some people get too comfortable treating us certain ways because we show them it is okay by allowing them back into our lives after each offense.

Sometimes, we must act as a mirror so that the person will be shown exactly how they are looking in a realationship as well.

It's okay to have compassion but this seems abusive and self-righteous. I wish you and him nothing but the best but tough love at times is the best route.

xXDarkStarXx,

That was extremely useful advice and great insights into the BPD side

hey, xdude and xXDarkStarXx, thank you very much for the input and advice.

I actually spoke with my therapist about this yesterday, (who I just started seeing about a month ago). She told me it does indeed seem he has two different personalities, in how one day he accepted and apologized back to me, expressed all this excitement to see me and suggests plans then the next day, suddenly he cancels and flakes out. May be in that moment he indeed was splitting. It was scary because I felt like how can someone one moment really want to see me and the next moment just drop off like that without any concern to my feelings.

And now its been two weeks since I've heard anything. I reached out last week to ask if he was up to talking and left it at that, and he didn't reply. I also wonder as xXDarkStarXx, you are saying, maybe he is used to me reaching when he flakes out, or on some level wants the attention. My therapist was also saying maybe he wants me to reach out so he can feel more in control with his emotions, but it does feel abusive to me and disrespectful.

Then the therapist brought up an idea and I'm really unsure about it. She said I need to stop walking around eggshells, he may be needy and wanting the attention or be in his head too much to even think about how its affecting me in him changing his mind constantly. She suggested sending him a message, kind of calling him out about it, and acknowledging what he just did so he knows, I know and am not accepting of it. She suggested saying something like "hey what's going on? i'm feeling really confused." or even "hey, this feels all too familiar to what happened in the summer, you haven't spoken to me since we last talked, it hurts me, what's going on?" (sounds a little judgey though) She said then that draws the focus back on ME and she said he might not even be aware its hurting me so maybe its good to point it out.

But I almost feel that may make things worse or not be conducive to getting closer again? I fear since it took so long to even talk again, when he came back I was so relieved, and he may really feel confused right now, that expressing my side or talking about a boundary, he might not react well to that. She suggested that something I do in person in depth but how i can briefly send the text. I don't know.

xXDarkStarXx wrote:Either way...Some people get too comfortable treating us certain ways because we show them it is okay by allowing them back into our lives after each offense.

It's possible he got comfortable, he did this in the summer too for a few weeks while going through a career transition, and i'd be the one to reach out, and it's only gotten worse

xXDarkStarXx wrote:So you can wait around for the guy who is open, honest and apologetic to resurface or try to knock the other one who cancels plans, down.

This is tough, waiting it out, makes me anxious, i'm not sure how much longer to wait. How would I knock the guy who cancels plans down? Does that involve calling out the behavior? The fear I have is doing so and him further splitting me.

I'd like to say something about it but not come across as "answer me!" or pressure anyone either. I just don't know what to do here or if saying something will lead him withdraw further if hes already feeling two ways about the situation since we had that blow out 2 months ago if its the best time to point this out while its happening. I just wish he can have a REAL conversation about it without all this silence. its so hurtful for me.