pwBPD may not have discarded me yet I freaked out

Or maybe what I wrote out sounds too contrived? "Hey i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I do so enjoy spending time with you. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy do hear from you when you are ready"


The other one I just thought of write now is

"Hey i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I wasn't in a calm place to talk to you properly and i'm sincerely sorry for that. It was immature and dumb. I've so liked hanging out with you and I've enjoyed our conversations. You told me you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready.

Not sure if the last one sounds better. It's more true but it may be too much.

I really don't know. Go with whatever feels right to you, and his reaction is up to him

Oh true, his reaction is up to him for sure.

It is just hard not to overthink this. I wish I can just write something and be happy with it and be okay with it.

Either of those seemed fine, but if he really does have BPD you may find that no matter what you write can be taken in a negative way. For example 'Sorry I hurt you...' could be taken as 'Oh! So you think you can hurt me?'

Partners, friends, family talk about walking on eggshells for a good reason. How he takes it depends on his mood which can vary quite often, so yea, all you can do is write it from the heart and see what happens.

I'm glad you brought how for those with BPD, they may take it negative no matter what, depending on their mood especially. This didn't occur to me before that if I write "When I did xyz, I'm sorry it must have hurt you" He may indeed be like "You think you can hurt me? You think you are capable of it?" If is not in the best mood, that may be his reaction.

There was a time in the past, I told him "i'm sorry I made things worse for you" And he took it the wrong way and wasn't in a good mood, and said "Excuse me? You think you can make things worse? It had nothing to do with you" So I know exactly what you're talking about. How he reacts may also depend a lot on what type of mood he is in, I guess.

In that case, i'm second guessing those two messages I was thinking of. Maybe it's best I go with something simple and friendly as possible, so there is little room for misinterpretations.

xdude, actually since you suggested wisely to speak from the heart here's what came out

"Hey, I'm very sorry for how things turned out the other month. I realized that I reacted badly and said things that I regret out of hurt and immaturity. I don't have much dating experience and my emotions got too much to handle. I just really liked you. I'm truly sorry for my aggressive attempts to talk to you. You told me you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that. I enjoyed our time together I think you're awesome, and I liked our conversations. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. If you're ever open to it, it would be so nice to start over. I'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready, if you ever do want to talk"

Not sure again, if it's too nice haha. It just sort of poured out.

xdude wrote:p.s. I assume you want honest replies. If you still want to keep trying, then yes, an apology focused only on your part cannot hurt, and may help, but if he does have BPD, it may only help so much. People with BPD tend to start their relationships from an 'idealization' point of view. Sort of like starting on the north pole, the only direction to go is south, and same for them. The idealization can only go south. It may not hurt to try, but once the idealization is damaged, sadly, for some with BPD they can't go back to who they were when all was ideal.

Very true xdude.

That seems like a nice olive branch.

Glad you understood about that one sentence, but also be careful bluemoon20, for your sake...

It can take a real toll on anyone constantly having to avoid saying much of what you really want to say, and even if well meant, can turn into a manipulative situation that's not really good for either of you. It's still early in the relationship so you may have quite a reserve of emotional energy to deal with his ups and downs, but you know, burn out happens.

He was at least honest that he had reached a point where he needed some alone time. People with BPD often do, but not all of them know how to say when enough is enough for them. It can come on rather quickly too, so just be forewarned. When he has reached that point he really means it, and is about to emotionally crash.

On a personal level, I believe that some with BPD feel it takes quite a toll on them to be that 'ideal' that their partners want. It's worse then that though. They go into downward spirals, such as thoughts of 'but you only love me for this idealization, what if you saw the rest of my tormented self...' And once down there, they know it's true and can prove it; will prove it sometimes. If you do want to try to make it work, then you need to be prepared for those times, let him have his alone time without any guilt trips, but still let him know you'll be there when he is ready to come back, or wants to talk some in the mean time. You just have to be really honest with you too, is that okay with you?

hey xdude, looking back, in the year and half I known him, a lot of times it happened where he gets overwhelmed over a tiny thing and is just like "we shouldn't see each other anymore!" It was often an argument that most people would just not take seriously. They were small arguments, no matter how much logic or reason I used, he wouldn't empathize. But those times, after i'd given space, he'd come back on his own or he'd say he felt embarrassed for his actions and would start to see my side, like days or weeks later. I didn't realize that the time it could be BPD, but looking back, I realize it may have been BPD behaviors indeed.

This time around, you are right, he did let me know that he wanted to be alone, but the problem is, this was after several weeks of him not saying a word to me and having no idea what happened or where he was. He couldn't understand how shocking it was for me no matter how much I explained it. Due to my own anxiety, I think I over-pursued him because there were many moments I could have said "okay I understand, if you need be i'll be here" Instead, I just sort of pushed and became reactive and upset which kept leading to explosions and then blocking each other. I should have told him "I understand you want to be alone. I will be there if he is ready to talk" then just leave him to it. My mistake, I was I didn't say anything like that. I wanted answers right away, because I was so anxious. Looking back, I realized, if he knew he had the space, things would have been more repairable than they are now.

I think the last apology I wrote out is too much explaining, I may just go with something more simple, as you noted, I don't want to overextend myself in just trying to make things right and end up in a manipulative situation.

You are also right maybe sometimes with BPD, they go into a downward spiral when they see they may not meet some ideal image of what you want, and during this time they need to be left alone. While it was happening, he wasn't verbalizing this, so I just didn't know what to think. I know he'd had a lot of personal stress in his life, and a recent job change. I got the sense that maybe he felt demoted or the job wasn't ideal. He started talking about different careers at one point, and how there is uncertainty in his life as being the reasons. Sometimes I got the sense, he was really image-focused and concerned where he's doing in life. Again this wasn't clear to me. Because initially, when he got the job, he expressed excitement and told me how he would have all this free time. He went from that, to completely dismissive and wanting to be alone in the matter of weeks.

Now it's been a month and a half of no contact. I realize it's important to give space, but I also still feel burned by him and I'm worried things are too damaged, because after the blow up, I wrote that letter airing out my grievances, and even before that, when I sent that one message out of hurt calling him unstable, that's when he was like "what's done is done, I don't see the point in prolonging this or talking anymore" I got really upset, because the day before he was the one who suggested we meet over coffee, then he was telling me "what's done is done" I blocked him, and he blocked me.

Even with the apology, I mean I said so many things in that letter about how he is and how I felt treated, that my have hurt him (because it's kind of true?). I wonder if he would have reflected and processed things by now, or thought about his actions as well, or if he will still be in a bad and dismissive mood. He may not even say anything to my apology.

Assuming he does have BPD...

Some people with BPD can be their own worst critics too, though may not tell you that until later. Some write about the struggle to create and maintain an image of being happy, and stable, but once the bubble is burst going backwards may be impossible.

However the partners, family, and friends do need to be able to set boundaries, and have needs/wants too. So again it doesn't work long term to walk on eggshells. Eventually your needs and wants were bound to come out; eventually you'd have reached limits of your own.

I like to believe that at least some with BPD do or can have empathy for others, maybe even too much at times, but because of their disordered thinking even that can get turned around into that spiraling down depression of loathing themselves, and believing others are intending to betray (or some say abandon) them anyway, so ... they may perform a preemptive strike. Like ripping off one's own bandage, it hurts less to break up before someone breaks up with them. For whatever it's worth some say that people with BPD fear commitment, but whatever the motive, unfortunately the reality is it's a complicated disorder, and even if you had handled it a bit different, you'd likely still have had those push/pull situations arise. You do need to take care of you too