pwBPD may not have discarded me yet I freaked out

You are right, the push/pull could have happened regardless of how I handled things. After weeks of silence, once I caught up to him, it was like there was nothing I could say for him to be open with me, everything was triggering at that point. The only thing I could have done is given it space but I didn't understand what was going on.

It also could be, as some BPD do, leave you before you can leave them, to avoid hurt. It was just so complicated and confusing it's hard to know if that was the case. When I caught up with him, it's almost as if he didn't realize how long it had been, (a month), and he was acting like he would have gotten back to me but how I was being too pushy, yelling "you called ME 5 times, if you call once, i will get back to you, your call and txt shut me down, to be honest!" He wasn't being logical because, those call was only two times, and my messages were in a span of a month of wondering where he was. He wasn't being empathetic at all. Something was definitely going on with him internally.

Or maybe it's how they say, once a person with bPD gets close to some, that person becomes a trigger. Once they get close, they can't handle it. But I hear about people having 5plus year marriages with those who have bPD with many break ups in between. I only had known him for a year and a half and we barely got into the relationship, that's why I wondered if it was really the end, and if the ideal image had been destroyed already that it will be never the same, when we were still pretty early in the stages. That's why I wondered, if I send that apology, if he happens to be in a better mood at some point, if we can go back or just start over (with better coping). I just have concerns about getting caught up in instability and dealing with more blowups and him taking the apology as "she has no boundaries" and losing myself all over again. But, i'd like to think there is still a chance to talk this through at some point, I just want to be realistic about it.

I'm starting to get nervous about sending an apology. I wonder if it's pointless at this point? The blow up was bad and he said abruptly he didn't want to talk anymore after he got that upset message from me, but he was the one who created the unexplained distance in the first place. I guess i'm worried that the apology and hearing from me may overwhelm him. I wonder how likely it is he will have a bad reaction to it. I just don't know if those with BPD eventually cool off and consider what they did wrong too after processing everything, or likely at this point i'm all bad to him.

Just from my own limited personal experiences, people with BPD may be, or become, aware of their part in a situation, but since that tends to trigger deep self-loathing in them, they will tend to run from those thoughts. Could be they rewrite history of what happened, or just put it out of their mind. If it's a relationship, dropping the relationship is another way to put it out of mind.

Again I have no idea how he will react to a non-threatening apology, but don't hold out hope that he is going to want to go backwards and relive (i.e., discuss) the past how you got here. Maybe, that can happen, but if you wish to continue trying, it's going to be up to him to choose what happens next.

Maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is difficult. Even if they are being treated and aware they have BPD, it's not something every partner can handle. The partner may need their own support system to cope with the blow-ups, meltdowns, etc.

True, people with BPD may avoid thoughts about their part in the situation due not wanting to be triggered by deep self loathing. I can see that. It’s also possible he dropped the relationship to avoid destructive or painful thoughts.

Maintaining a relationship would be difficult indeed. It was so confusing for me because weeks before the outburst/meltdown, he was the one harping on me about dating and when I suggested we meet at a coffeeshop instead of dinner to catch up m, he said he felt like I was making us go backwards in suggesting something simple as coffee. He took it as a demotion saying “coffee? I don’t wanna go to coffeeshops forever I wanna date! Can I ask why coffee? I thought you wanted to date?” I was surprised he made a big deal or if something so tiny that had nothing to do with how I felt about him. Then weeks later he drops off and then has a huge outburst, talking about he’s not wanting to be with anyone and started stonewalling me. When weeks ago he said how much he wanted to date. And me overpursuing only made it worse. I wondered when those with BPD actually mean what they say when they change their mind about a relationship every other week? Or if they do that just to manage their emotions and partners aren’t supposed to take to serious? I took it so serious and had a meltdown myself. I just didnt know how to handle it.

I was going to go ahead and send the apology. I guess I can’t really know what to expect and it’s up to him. But my other hesistaiton was whether the apology will overwhelm him. It’s been 6 weeks since any contact and a month since I sent that letter, so I was hoping he’d be more cooled off. Though I’m nervous about how reactive he may be. My hope was he’d just take some time and think about it and reach out when or if he’s ready. But maybe I should be thinking about possibly how he will take this or react before sending it out.

I think your example is a good one of how it tends to go when a partner has BPD. For whatever it's worth though it's not really a conscious choice for them. Their implicit self-esteem is damaged, so something that you may view as not a big deal, they will perceive as another wound. So in this case it looks like he perceived it as being 'demoted' as you wrote to first date/meeting status.

It's probably impossible to avoid triggering someone with BPD forever, but if you do wish to maintain a relationship then yea, you'll have to get know those triggers. Even if so, it's going to happen again and again. Things could get somewhat better if he was self-aware, and in treatment, but even then, ups and downs are going to happen.

I think an apology is fine no matter what happens, but again the long term question is about you. Will you be okay?

You are right with the coffee example, how something that seems no big deal for us can end up being a trigger for those with BPD. I think it may really come down to knowing this will happen again and again and accepting it and getting to know what their triggers are.

But I’m like how can you tell what they say is real or not and not be offended. During the blow up he wouldn’t even say what was bothering him but said how he didn’t want to be with anyone right now, how he’s busy with figuring out career and doesn’t want to invest if he may move for careers in ONE year! He said that after I overpursed. I felt offended cause he’s the one who brought up a relationship and adds things on the scale and then he takes them away quickly that I cant keep up. Am I crazy or does it not make sense for him to say he doenst want to invest as if nothing happened between us, when you would think he already invested, to bring up a relationship in the first place and talking to me almost daily for a year. He acted like suddenly he doenst want to invest and didn’t make sense. I mean not sure he was gaslighting me or if it was part of an episode since he seemed to be rewriting history.

I think I will go with the apology as it can’t hurt I guess and least takes responsibility for my own actions but for your question will I be okay, I think I’m scared of getting back in touch since this thing is so unpredictable and understanding how he can go back and forth and not take it personally. But I’ve been working on boundaries and focusing on myself and understanding things. I’m just nervous. I wonder if I can just send the apology and Work though this as things come or if it will just be a deadend.

bluemoon20 wrote:But I’m like how can you tell what they say is real or not and not be offended. During the blow up he wouldn’t even say what was bothering him but said how he didn’t want to be with anyone right now, how he’s busy with figuring out career and doesn’t want to invest if he may move for careers in ONE year! He said that after I overpursed. I felt offended cause he’s the one who brought up a relationship and adds things on the scale and then he takes them away quickly that I cant keep up. Am I crazy or does it not make sense for him to say he doenst want to invest as if nothing happened between us, when you would think he already invested, to bring up a relationship in the first place and talking to me almost daily for a year. He acted like suddenly he doenst want to invest and didn’t make sense. I mean not sure he was gaslighting me or if it was part of an episode since he seemed to be rewriting history.

Yes, for others it is almost impossible to try and separate out 'this is real', and 'this is just the BPD talking', maybe because others shouldn't do that. We react based on what others say/do, so normal to react to all of it. It can even be hard for a neutral professional to cope with, but at least they are coming at it from a point of view of emotional detachment. Some also say you shouldn't try to separate because it's really all them.

This particular example, well, as previously mentioned, that seems to be common with BPD. Both wanting a close relationship, and being triggered to run when/if a relationship matures to the point of there being an emotional investment. For people with BPD both can be true, and they may flip flop between those emotions. They are really felt in the moment felt.

In my previous example, being so attached and then weeks later, not wanting the relationship indeed falls into the push/pull. Even though they can change constantly, for those with BPD, those feelings are really felt in those moments, make sense, as you are saying. But even if those feelings were real, I wonder why not acknowledge them. It's almost as if he acted like we never had a relationship, and I wonder once they feel rejected, or whatever other reason, they don't see the point in making that connection. To me I was left with a lot of confusion, wanting to be like "you don't want to date anybody right now...um well I thought we were already dating" Like, he wouldn't connect the past with the present and changed the scenario based on his feelings in that moment. I wondered if he realized he was doing that to avoid responsibility or he didn't even realize it. Even if his feelings were real all those times, he could have made those connections that we had something all along but everything he was saying felt so fragmented.

bluemoon20,

I know you are struggling and seeking answers. If he does have BPD then really (double really), it wouldn't have mattered what you did or didn't do. I know there is not much solace in reading that.

Just from my personal experiences, yes people with BPD may rewrite history if that's what it takes for them to live with the past. I know you want to understand why, but without having BPD yourself it won't make sense. He really is overwhelmed by his own emotions. He may seem to have been a caring empathetic interesting guy etc., but he is also everything else you've seen too, not the idealization you may have met.

What you can do is protect yourself from being emotionally hurt again and again, and if has been hard now, it will only get worse should you become more deeply involved. I know that's not the answer you want, but you losing your mental health won't make him better. What he really needs is professional help, and even a professional can only do so much.

xdude, thanks for that insight, I agree, although he appeared to be caring and empathetic, I also started to see another side that affected me deeply...him getting more selfish the moment he feels rejected the closer he gets with you, and this coming out in focusing on his own needs, and trying to get me to follow along or having outbursts out of nowhere. It was just getting worse and worse and he wouldn't talk about anything until he just disappeared. So i'm left with all this hurt.

I feel okay with the apology but I haven't been ready to send it because i'm scared of how to be okay if he isn't okay and I don't want to get hurt again and again as you noted. I feel like the moment I send an apology for things I said to him, that's the moment anything can happen. It may be a huge help if he got professional help but I have talked about that with him and i'm not sure how open he'd be.

I kept thinking with more space and time, i'd feel better and be able to handle the weight of this. But it's been a month and a half since no contact and i'm realizing more things that making me feel quite unsettled. That he used to do this and that. And i'm a bit underwaters here. I got some counseling right now but I just don't know how to make the decision in touching base with him again and if this is something I can continue to handle. I'm just very worried about losing myself and I Feel embarrassed at how much I already have.