Should I even send this?

Hey, all.

M/30, here, thanks so much for any advice you've got. I've been losing sleep over this for quite some time. Don't worry if it's not what you think I want to hear; I'm open minded, so any answers, even ones I hadn't considered, are good.
Maybe especially those, hah.

She (28/F) and I were friends for about seven years, had just started dating, and I was absolutely head over heels. Everything was seeming to go great, for both of us; we had good chemistry, good intimacy, pretty much everything. But when I was visiting her, about halfway through our visit - some stuff came up, and my parents wanted me to come home. That started hanging over me the entirety of the visit, and I know she felt like I was pulling away (and I was, but not because I'd lost interest - it was hard to be focused with that hanging over my head.)

I canceled the visit, not as early as they'd like, got back home; she was devastated and I couldn't explain why I was leaving because, frankly, I didn't know the whole story. We were both crying, and I remember her asking 'why are you crying' which hurt more than anything else. Got back home, it seemed like everything was fine and I felt even worse.

Then my old man had two consecutive ammonia build-ups and a nasty fall. And then my parents realised they needed to move, but there wasn't anyone to do it but me. And everyone around me who'd said they cared - well, you know how it is. Nobody does, right? Ahahaha!..

I lived, but I turned off my phone, I just had to focus on getting through it. And I did, and I carried them through it too. I think it was the 'right' decision, I guess. I have to live with it, either way.

But the thing is - she and my other good friend (whom also assumed I'd just told him nonverbally to screw off), they'd both known me long enough to know that when I get overwhelmed, I just need to focus on taking care of the most important thing.

Three months later, around the election of 2015, I tried to reach out via e-mail. I think the tone was too light, but I was kinda giddy that I was alive; anyway, she basically responded with 'don't ever contact me again.' I responded with one word, Understood, and she - kinda flew off the handle, telling me she could block me, or something - I don't recall, and deleted the e-mail.

Before anyone suggests anything - I don't blame her at all. I mean; in her position? I might feel the same way. Regardless of how long the two of them had known me (her, seven years, him, eleven?), just going radio silent hurts. But - I do wish I could at least explain why I did it, give her some closure...

But that might be me, being selfish, so I've ignored it, until now.
The recent seating of a controversial judge may have really gotten her down and I want to do something.

I was thinking of something like...

Title: Thinking about you

With two paragraphs. The first one being 'I've been rewriting this a lot, the world's been awful, and since I don't know if it's gonna get any better, I wanted to write you now - not putting it off. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for not being able to trust and open up to you during my dad's illness and all the rest of that. Maybe things would have been different if I could, but for what it's worth, I couldn't open to - or trust - anyone.
But that's not the point of this letter.

I just want to write you to tell you that you matter and you're important; not that I'm trying to walk back into your life, or be friends, but that I do think of you - and miss you. And I truly hope things are better for you, wherever you are in life, now. You're an incredible person, and I still wish you the very best.

(Maybe a line that she can feel free to junk the mail if she doesn't want to respond? The thing I want to do least is cause her more discomfort or just open up old wounds.)

I would appreciate any feedback or advice. Thank you so much.

Oh - And I'm in a mostly pretty good place, now. Incredibly glum about the world and my place in it, but - pulling through, by and large. It's the 'dang, people suck and I wish I could do more' kind of sad, not the 'curls into a small ball and desperately needs a cup of cocoa' kind of sad.

Hey pieceonearth,

If I understood the situation correctly, you and her had gotten close, but then at some point your parents needed your help, and that resulted in a situation where you needed to go home to help them at the expense of your visit with her.

Understood you may not have explained yourself as well as you could have at the time, but also its understandable that a call like that from your parents could leave anyone emotionally shaken.

I admit though I have a 90 degree thought to throw out -

Sure it makes sense to want to provide her with some closure (if that is what she wants), but it's also bothersome if she has not made any effort to try and see your side. Things go wrong in life, and if you two were together long enough, eventually both of you will need each other's support. Sounds like this was your first big test, or at least the test of that in which it was you who needed the support, and you didn't get it.

As for sending that letter, really we would be guessing how she will take it. You know her best. If you do so, do it for you too, because it feels like the right thing to do.

Thanks, xdude.

I've mulled over similar thoughts to your post for awhile. I don't wanna be doing this for my sake, or if it ends up just revisiting old wounds for her. And I realise how it might not make sense for me to reach out after so long; and your point that she didn't really try to hear my side of things, even if I did a poor job of explaining - that's right too.

Mostly, in the end - I just wish I could be there for everyone, you know?
Failing that, I'd like to try to be there for the people I know, but that's a bit much, sometimes. Ahaha!..
Anyway, thanks for the response. Gave me plenty to think about.
All the best to you and yours, xdude, my dude!

pieceonearth wrote:Mostly, in the end - I just wish I could be there for everyone, you know?

I do think this was telling. Some of us have this unrealistic expectation of ourselves, and though we mean well, we can end up hurting ourselves and others trying to live up to it.

If you do send it, I would focus on apologizing for why you went silent. Just be honest, what you were feeling, etc. From her point of view, that's almost assuredly what she couldn't understand. Relationships have a cadence. It doesn't take much to break that chain and a long period of not communicating almost always will. She may be thinking you are a flake, and just ran off on a whim, so to protect herself, shut-down her feelings for you. That's understandable too.